Well it finally happened.
My room mate (son's father) is leaving because he 'can't handel living with me' mean while his issues are:
- depression
- insomnia
- low self esteme (because he's not the 'man' of the house, and my son won't call him 'Daddy')
- in ability to maintain a job (not even going to work bc he's sleeping all the time)
- he's a slovenly pig (I clean the house and he trashes it despite my telling him not to, I've even packed up all the dishes because he refuses to was up after himself)

He said it's all my fault. That I don't care about him and I treat him like sh*t. That I'm always raging and he can't even talk to me. He said he's affraid to eat the food because he thinks I'm gonna poisin him (I said I'd more likey stab you than poisin you- my rage is lowd and in your face- not silent [I know that, he said, I can see that. I see it all the time when my son's not here] but basically he's affraid of me). He said he isn't making enough money here, and that our house is a mess.

I told him that the house is a mess because I absolutely refuse to clean up his sh*t one more time. I'm not his wife or his mother. I'm not gonna cook for him, clean for him, or kiss his insecure @ss when he does nothing for me.

It's this whole machismo Latin male BS. When we were together (years ago) he was the focus of my world and I'd have done anything for him. I'd have died for him at that time and we were very much love. As is typical for me, I placed him on a pedestal, and worshiped him in my love for him.

Now, I don't love him- that dynamic has changed. Not because I've changed; but because he is not the object of my affection, and therefore I have nothing for him and he's my equal (not superioir) if not lesser.

That's pretty standard for me actually. The men I love are everything to me when we're together, and nothing to me when we're not.

So this shift in 'his' role and my idealization of him was probably a big slap in the face. I'm sure he expected our relationship to be everything it once was, and for him to step into this 'family' (me and my son) and take the lead as father and provider.

That didn't happen. He barely knows his son (gone for 8 years with no contact- until October of 2009) and their relationship is developing, but not parental in any way. If he tells my son to do something, my son will ask me if he has to or should. That bothers Alex a lot. My son favors me to him, and that bothers him a lot. The 2 of them are supposed to be sharing a bed room, and my son sleeps with me in my room- that bothers him a lot.

My son and I are VERY CLOSE- he is my life and reason for living. We understand each other and we have the most undying love for each other- it's like nothing I've known before in my life. Because we are such bonded friends, companions along with the classic mother/child relationship- it's all the harder for Alex who is essentially an outsider trying to come into our family unit. We TRIED to include him 'our world' and have begged him (my son begged) to come with us on our outings and join us in our games and movies; but he refuses. I think it may hurt Alex to see me and my son so close and him sitting on the side lines. Itold him if he wanted to be a part of the family, he had to family things with us and then my sone would look at him differently because he in fact being a part of our world.

Alex can't suck it up though.. He can't swallow his pride and be a part of the family if he's not the head of it. Is that a Latino thing, or just general pigheadedness- I'm not sure. Whatever it is- it's pretty much what screwed him in the end. I have no respect for someone who has no respect for me.

He's constantly trying to make me see his ways, his views, his opinions, and anything I don't disagree with is apparently my 'lunacy' kicking in ...

[ Continued ]

Oh for the love of ######6 God

Stupid ass room mate, (son's father) drama enfused piece of crap is trying to get me to agree with him and it's not gonna fukcing work!

He wants me to give all the desicions of our 'family' (Dude has only been living me and my son since December and my kid still calls him by his first name because he's so NOT a father) over to him. He wants to move in a YEAR from now, somehwere else, which is still undetermined, for a job he doesn't know even exists there because there's no work here? He has had 8 jobs since moving here and barely GOES to these jobs because he's in bed all day.

So his frustrations are 'my fault' (according to him) and all the issues he's had since I broke him 10 years ago are all my fault (according to him) and it's now to the point where he's gonna move out and leave me and my son AGAIN and blame the whole thing on me.

Why?
Because I didn't say 'yes' to moving a year from now- where I dodn't even know where I'll be in my own fkn life; but he wants my opinion.

My opinion to HIM= me agreeing with him. If I don't agree with him- I'm carzy. I'm fkd up so anything I say is illogical (in his opinion) and unless I concied to his wishes and dreams- I'm being a bithc!
WTF is THAT????

Seriously!

Since begining treatment and stoping myself from the doing the things I want to do, everyone thinks I'm NUTS!

I'm getting really fkn sick of this and people keep pushing the buttons, probing me for THIER NEEDS and not respecting any of MINE- this is sh*t! This is such sh*T that I can hardly fkn bare it anymore.
GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..............


Words can't describe my anger at this guy right now.

Why the hell does he think that if I don't agree with him- I'm being unreasonable?
How am I supposed to make a commitment for a year from now, when I have no idea what my life is gonna be like at that point?

Jezus Christ!!!!

I am livid! Absofu(kinglutely livid and disgusted by this whole damn thing.
WOW!

I told him specifically that I was a mess before he moved here. That I needed him to help with the rent and taking care of the kid because I'm unstable, in therapy and I'm going to be getting MUCH WORSE as I go through treatement. I told him this wasn't gonna picnick and he thought he could just wisk in here, my son would call him Daddy, he'd have instant respect from both us (after being completely abcent for 8 years) and we would be a 'family' PFT! Up your @ss and around the corner- we're NOT a family and you're not incharge

I run this ship and if you don't ######6 like it- GET THE FU(K OUT!!!!!!!!

I started out nicely telling him, "I can't make a promise for a year from now, when I have no idea where my life is gonna be."
He puked some word vomit, and then I said NICELY, "If this is something you want to do, then work towards it and we can look at it more seriously when it's closer to that time."

He didn't like that and it set him in a blockheaded stance of reasonable inpenetrability, and he was no longer listing to anything I said.

I tried very hard to remain calm, but finally said, "What do you want from me here? What are looking for in this right now? What do you want me to do Buddy?"
He said he just wanted my opinion- well that was a crock right there
He didn't want my OPINION- he wanted me to agree with him, and anything less than that wasn't...

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I saw my shrink today and what we discussed were some of the recent issues I've been having with anger, aggression, violence, sadism, and how I was just recently triggered beyond the 'outside object' and wanted to turn it on my self, with a fork

Apparently I'm supposed to allow for anger because it leads me to violence.
I have to replace that with something (he told me to talk to Beth about what goes there instead) but anger isn't allowed because it takes me to a brutally warped, sadistic place.

He's given me seraquil to help with some of the psychotic stuff, and help take the edge off for me. I hate meds, but i'll take it if it will help. Things have unfortunately been getting more and more extreme without me placing all this stuff somewhere else...

I go through phases, like all of my life and mentality, where certain things overwhelm me and take control of my drives. I'm very inconsitant like that- always have been.... So I'm violent right now and it sucks. We talked about my past violence, the stuff I talked to Beth about recently, and he sees that this isn't a 'new' thing for me, it's just come back with a vengence- shifted to the forefront of my emotional make up and waiting to break out at any given moment.

I don't like it.
I don't want to be this way, and because I am this way; but don't want to be this way- it makes it worse because I'm mad at them (whoever is p*ssing meoff at the time) and mad at myself for being mad and wanting to hurt them & it's WORSE! It's WAY WORSE!!!

The seriquil is supposed to help though...
Let's hope it does!

FML
Time 4 a nap- my head hurts

Holy Fu(king sh*t balls!!!

I hate when things get so damn overwhelming like this. It's not even anything Major- just the stupid little stresses all compiling to make me on an on edge fu(kin mess, ready to explode

What's goin on?

The dog is driving me NUTS!
- He's panting, p*ssing and sh*ting everywhere.
- He's constantly barking and howelling (he's got beagle in him), he's chewing up everything in the house.
- He's bugging, hurting harassing, barking at, and jumping on my daughter- so I have her whinning, yelling and crying to deal with on top of the dog himself!

My daughter is visiting me right now & She gets on my nevers A LOT!
- She's whinning, needy, snotty, and has NO RESPECT for my personal space.
- She thinks hurting me emotionally and physically is fun, kicked me at the pool yesterday bc she didn't get her way.
- She doesn't back off and give me the time I need to calm down.
- She's accident prone and constantly hurting herself; having these HUGE crying fits because she does.
- She's a great kid and I DO love her; but these negatives have just been adding to the other crap, and right now I see her more 'black' than white, because of my warped mind- that creates guilt and shame inside me for doing that (as her MOTHER) and makes it all the more damaging and stressfull for me
- Because of my splitting her I am reminded of when I asked my husband to take her because I couldn't handle living with her. I am reminded of the times when she said she doesn't love me and all the other nasty things she says and does to me, even now. I feel like a terrible mother because my daughter treats me this way, because I split her because she treats me this way, and adds so much negative emo- it makes me hate myself all the more.

My Room Mate (son's father) is driving up the wall!!!
- He does nothing around the house (small things on occasion, but nothing constant or anything that NEEDS to be done- just random crap) and he leaves all the dishes in the house for a week or more. I don't do the dishes because they're not my dishes. I didn't make them and he's supposed to wash his own stuff after he uses it; but he doesn't. I've already packed up most of the plates, bowles and utensiles because I was so sick and tierd of cleaning his mess, and we use disposable stuff for the most part now. But all the freeking pots and pans, cooking apparel and any dishes I'd not packed for serving and/or storage- trashed in the sink and festering in ranced water. Getting rusted, molded, water damaged and just outright destroyed. My stuff is EXPENSIVE: I have caphelon knives, Lagostina cook wear and Pampered Chef & Paderno pieces as well. He's DESTROYING IT and I've tried several times to tell/yell and threaten him to take proper care of my stuff or i'll pack it all up and we'll have NOTHING in the kitchen at all He's made bamboo cutting boards come apart, stainless steel stain, more bamboo mold and don't even get me started on the NON stick which is now cooked in stuck on stains
- He owes me money that he not only refuses to pay; but also refuses to admit he SHOULD pay, when I'm not even asking for the money I gave him- just the LOANS!
- He eats all the fricken food in the house, doen't ever BUY much of anything, and he's so over consuming that there's nothing decent left me and the kids to eat when I...

[ Continued ]

I can't just believe how I got completely used to being treated poorly by my recent XBF
It of course didn't start out that way. In the beginning he was great, caring, attentive, endulgent and devious (just the way I like em ) but it didn't take long for that to change and for me to become conditioned to HIS way of treating me/or mistreating me as the case may be

I knew something wasn't right because he didn't treat me the same way other guys always had through out my life. He didn't fawn on me and worship me completely. He didn't place me on a pedastile and treat me like a princess the way all the others had done before him. I didn't understand that, and I called him on several DOZEN times over the years.

He said he wanted me to be a strong independant woman, not a spoiled little brat.
He said that his work and his life kept him busy, too busy for me a lot of the time.
he said that if he was worth waiting for than I would wait, if I didn't think he was worth it- the door was there and I could leave anytime...
He did and said so many different things to me over the years that I stoped fighting it and just accepted it; thought that I was supposed to wait all the time, sacrifice myself all the time, and bend to his needs all the time- put my own aside.

I didn't understand that he could and would never make time for me- I had to beg for it constantly, and it was never enough. He said I was too needy, and maybe to a degree that's true- I am needy, but he didn't even try to meet my needs towards the end anymore. I had become a nag, and an annyoance- a literal pain in the A$$ and he didn't like it, nore did I...

It's been so long since anyone has treated me well, I had forgotten what it was like.

I went to a party and yeah all of the guys showered me with attention and praise, but there was one guy who really stook out. He was into me right away and kept revisiting me through the night. Not in a preditory way, nore possesively- he was just making sure he could be kind to me as much as possible it seemed and it was nice.

I grabed contact info off a few guys that night, but I only contacted the one so far- the nice guy (one of them; but Mr. Supa Nice) and we texed a few times over the week. We wanted to meet again soon but he has plans this weekend, and I'm supposed to be busy next weekend, so it looked like it would be a while before we would see each other again.

he recently texed me back to say that he's trying to get out of his Saturday plans this weekend just to spend time with me what? You're kidding me? Dude is gonna revamp his weekend just to see me again
Do you know HOW LONG it's been since anyone has that kind of thing for me???
AGES!!!

Why? Not because I don't deserve it, but because I had become accustomed to thinking I wasn't important enough for my prior BF to do these things for me- ergo, I thought I wasn't WORTH IT

This may not seem like a big deal to anyone reading this, but it was to me when he said it. Not because I couldn't believe someone would do that- I would do that for someone in...

[ Continued ]