I've been waiting all week for the blues to lift and to enjoy the small stuff in life, which is an attitude I have the majority of the time. Instead it's been Introspection Central with no answers, just insoluble questions, centring around the theme of my last post. If I can't trust myself to make sensible life decisions based on self-knowledge, what then?

At the moment, I am not working. I saved up and bought myself a grace period. Perhaps I need to work? I thought it was a significant source of stress and enforced boredom. But what if I'm more bored now and that's why I'm Ouroborosing my own brain? How could I be bored when I have all the books and internet in the world? Maybe I need the unpredictability of people. I thought I didn't like having people around! I thought I found them tiring and that they sapped my will to live! Have I have so over-simplified that analysis that I made it fundamentally useless? Or is it flat out wrong? I wonder if I lack challenge. But how can I be challenged in a way that doesn't provoke massive stress? A low-stress balance, but that's not how it works. I need to deal better with stress as an inevitable part of a change. But I can't see my way to a positive challenge at the moment. Only the way to enforced boredom and stress and I am not going that way.

A few years ago, I went to a career counsellor. I filled in lots of questionnaires, talked about my CV so far and what I liked to do. At the end of the session, she said: "well I think you'd be a really good career counsellor." My urge to be camouflaged bites me in the ass on a regular basis.

I rewatched a few episodes of Sherlock last week. I watch minimal TV as I find it sets off daydreaming too often. Sherlock does that too, but at least there's not many episodes to be sucked in by. It has still triggered a lot of fantasy since then. And I have a new worry. What if this isn't my boredom at all? What if this is the boredom of a relatively unpleasant and entirely fictional character?

Clearly the answer is to read something very wholesome and energetic. TV and film is too unpredictable in its input and effect, but a book might work. What should I prescribe myself?


And as an aside, if this is true and not just another example of my lack of self-knowledge, what kind of stupidly malleable personality is that? I thought I erred on the side of inflexibility if anything. That's what I've been told more than once. Was I told by inflexible people? Funny thought. I am sick of this thinking.