I realize that my life has never amounted to much, and it never will, because there is a human factor there that's just missing. I'm stupid and petty and I spend so much of my time faking being a real human being yet my inner world is so devoid of purpose or cause or any kind of deeper meaning, or any specialness. I can't maintain a single contact in the long-term because the truth is that a connection will never be forged. I look at this world and all I see is an empty thing that will die someday and will never have mattered. And my surface life is just a stupid exercise in pointless contrarianism, because the truth is I resent life for being what it is, and I'm angry at existence itself, because its impermanence leaves it no objective value, which is the only kind I can appreciate, and I resent that I can't experience what other people experience, and I can't connect or meaningfully even communicate with them because my interpersonal world is that of a machine. I'm so fundamentally different from them that I can't even have a real discussion with them, I HAVE to pretend that I feel what they feel, and I so want to not pretend, but even if they understood, I would have no way to appreciate their understanding, I am that alone.

I'm not a cruel person, I see no reason to be, I have no reason to act like a spoiled child throwing toys around. Because I see the real problem, which is that even the worst cruelty, or the highest benevolence can't create something that isn't there. There is no narcissism that can save me from the non-existence of what I am. There is no slight or praise that ultimately reaches that core.

I used to think I was sort of a transcendent existence, because I saw life for what it is, and I was not attached to any material thing, and to me, all people were equal, and I could forgive anyone for anything, but that was only because I didn't care, because I'm not transcendent, I'm not even human, I'm less, I'm just a banality.

I'll never have my own purpose, or if I do, it will never escape my head, I'll just forever be piggybacking on someone else's gestalt. I'm so envious of the kind of people who feel such rich meaning from life. It's unfair that they were given that and there's nothing that can be done.

And the most miserable thing is that I can realize all this, but it will never change the way I behave. I'll always give in to game playing and manipulation and framing and posturing because at the end of the day, they're all I have.

i've been depressed for only 2 years and recently, i'm feeling the very same. i don't even have the nerve to hurt myself. i plotted on suicides several times but didn't work out because I'm afraid of dying in pain. Reading your post soothes me because someone is feeling like me too, but at the same time makes me depressed because this seems to be an endless battle. A sad ending movie.

I wish I'd been here a year ago. We might have had some good discussions. I understand you.