hi everyone,
i dont know if anyone bothers reading this but i feel like sharing whats going on so i'm just going to mindlessly start typing... i started a vlog on youtube ages ago but my laptop broke so i havent been able to put out more than one video yet, which is a real shame because i really wanted to use it as a way of recording all my mood shifts and stuff. I find it so hard to remember things properly its really annoying, and the psychs ALWAYS ask you to describe stuff from the past and i never can...

anyway. i woke up feeling really good and i have had a bit of a realisation....just a warning before i start, i think i'm having a bit of an excitable day. my thoughts are racing much quicker than i can type. this is why i wanted to do a vlog because typing just seems to take too long.

anyway. i'm feeling very happy. i got a tan! i've NEVER had a tan before!! i think this is what kick started this happiness..which is silly. but i really never have had a tan..i have irish skin, and even when i tried to zap myself to pieces in the sun bed nothing happened, it just doesnt want to go brown. ever. so i faked it looks awesome. and i feel like a totally new person now.

I also had some realisations recently about my moods and stuff...i have a wolfdog called Panda. she is very hard work but i wouldnt be without her. anyway, i've been reading some cesar millan stuff recently, and he talks a lot about energy and how the pack leader always has to be calm assertive and stable...and i kind of freaked out a bit thnking "stable? i have a differential dx of bipolar disorder and the other name for borderline personality disorder is emotionally unstable personality disorder...i'm screwed". but then, just today, i had this revelation that i'm going to get through this illness, FOR HER. I would struggle to do it for myself, because i guess part of me is addicted to the rollercoaster. but i would do it for her, to make sure she is happy and feels stable in her life.

I had a freak out the other day though, which was a bit silly, because my friend dyed her hair a colour i really wanted my hair. i cant highlight or change my hair colour at all because i put indigo on it a few months ago (google that, in case you're interested - herbal haircare = awesome. also, been shoving loads of coconut oil on it. also very awesome). so i felt that my friend had gone and made herself look beautiful and i was stuck looking like a plain old frumpy vampire. which sucked. so i had a bit of a break down. sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for hours, and argued with my lovely handsome sexy boyfriend even though it wasnt his fault. and i looked at my dog and got all extreme like "oooh goddddd. how can i ever be strong for you!?" hahaha. so dramatic when i'm depressed. the dog was just looking at me like "you're a ######6 idiot".

but yeah. i've been on this path recently towards stability for myself. i've cut down my drinking MASSIVELY. have gone from getting drunk twice a week to twice in the last 6 weeks...i have had the odd drink in between this but its always been in moderation...like i've got control over it suddenly...which is really good because the pyschologist wont see me again until i've completed a drink control program. i can now control all of the drinks.

i've been trying to eat well too. like cramming all the veggies into my guts. and i think i've been noticing the difference. i realllllyyyy want to be slim. but i'm an endomorph (also google that $#%^, very interesting) so its really hard for me to get actually slim. means i would pretty much have to be on a diet for the rest of my life and commit to doing work outs, which i dont want to do. i wish i was one of those people that just has to laze around and they dont get fat ever... but apparently that doesnt mean they arent fat on the inside..hahahaha. not in an "ugly on the inside" kind of a way, like their organs might be surrounded by fat which is really dangerous. i'd like for my organs to all work properly and stuff, so i've been trying to do loads of yoga and eat really healthy anti oxidant food and stuff.

i had a wobble with uni. decided i wanted to drop out and follow the path of enlightenment toward spiritual healing (? wtf? ) but then i realised i actually really do want to be studying animal behaviour so i had to do loads of damage control at uni, which was a little embarrassing, and reverse the withdrawal that i'd set in place... the faculty office sees waaayy too much of me for things like this. it aint cool.

but all in all, i'm reallllllyyy trying to sort things out for myself. as my friend put it "its making the choice to self love" which i really am doing....unfortunately my moods are still realllllyyyy loooopppyyyy as you might be able to tell from this post. i'm extreme some days really really happy and euphoric and MY GOD am i powerful. then other days i'm like a worm. the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle. like totally $#%^. its annoying me. i'm making all these lifestyle changes, and i have been making them for months now, and i still swing.

i'm starting to think that the differential dx of bipolar (rapid cycling i guess) might end up being confirmed soon. right now i dont care. i'm so happy and walking on hair. i dont want the medication and i can handle anything.... i know i always say i want meds when i'm sad though, so thats at the back of my mind :-S

does anyone reading this take quetiapine? might go by a different name in the states...something starting this S. i'm scared of taking it. it makes you gain weight bad, which i really dont want, and there's others things it does too. does anyone manage their bipolar herbally? ohmygod totally going to start a thread on that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahah "walking on hair".....

*walking on air

omally, I suggest you do take meds for your bipolar. Sounds like you are Type 1, like myself. I am on two mood stabilizer-Abilify and Lamotrigene, an antidepressant-Paxil, and antianxiety-Clonazepam. This combo has been working great for me besides the sexual side effects from the Paxil. I no longer have dramatic mood swings and don't feel overwhelmed and stressed. I have to be stable to take care of my 1yr old son. I was hospitalized twice before this med combo, once for psychosis-which can happen very easily without med management, and the second time for manic depression. I am currently on ssi. But I strongly reccomend that you stay away from herbal remedies and get on some real meds that will help your moods.

hi! thanks for your help and advice. i need to have a proper sit down with my psychiatrist to discuss my options with medication. i have to say the mood swings are starting to really exhaust me. unfortunately the psych team wont see me again until i've completed an alcohol abuse recovery program (which is hugely annoying because any issues i have with alcohol stem from my mental issues and unless i'm having the episode the problem isnt there at all). so i feel like everything has gone on hold until i manage to complete this program. I was prescribed Quetiapine but i havent yet taken any, basically because i'm really really scared of it. i wasnt brought up in an environment where we take pharmaceuticals regularly, always trying to find a natural or dietary alternative first. i know a lot of people find that a bit nutty, but its just the way i am i know i need help stabilizing myself though, so i think i just need to talk things through to make me feel a little better about it and to make me less scared. Also my bipolar DX is still at the "differential diagnosis" stage, and we're working with borderline personality disorder dx at the moment...argh. it just all feels a bit messy scary and frustrating to be honest. xxx

[quote="omalley_cat"]hi everyone,
i dont know if anyone bothers reading this but i feel like sharing whats going on so i'm just going to mindlessly start typing... i started a vlog on youtube ages ago but my laptop broke so i havent been able to put out more than one video yet, which is a real shame because i really wanted to use it as a way of recording all my mood shifts and stuff. I find it so hard to remember things properly its really annoying, and the psychs ALWAYS ask you to describe stuff from the past and i never can...

anyway. i woke up feeling really good and i have had a bit of a realisation....just a warning before i start, i think i'm having a bit of an excitable day. my thoughts are racing much quicker than i can type. this is why i wanted to do a vlog because typing just seems to take too long.

anyway. i'm feeling very happy. i got a tan! i've NEVER had a tan before!! i think this is what kick started this happiness..which is silly. but i really never have had a tan..i have irish skin, and even when i tried to zap myself to pieces in the sun bed nothing happened, it just doesnt want to go brown. ever. so i faked it looks awesome. and i feel like a totally new person now.

I also had some realisations recently about my moods and stuff...i have a wolfdog called Panda. she is very hard work but i wouldnt be without her. anyway, i've been reading some cesar millan stuff recently, and he talks a lot about energy and how the pack leader always has to be calm assertive and stable...and i kind of freaked out a bit thnking "stable? i have a differential dx of bipolar disorder and the other name for borderline personality disorder is emotionally unstable personality disorder...i'm screwed". but then, just today, i had this revelation that i'm going to get through this illness, FOR HER. I would struggle to do it for myself, because i guess part of me is addicted to the rollercoaster. but i would do it for her, to make sure she is happy and feels stable in her life.

I had a freak out the other day though, which was a bit silly, because my friend dyed her hair a colour i really wanted my hair. i cant highlight or change my hair colour at all because i put indigo on it a few months ago (google that, in case you're interested - herbal haircare = awesome. also, been shoving loads of coconut oil on it. also very awesome). so i felt that my friend had gone and made herself look beautiful and i was stuck looking like a plain old frumpy vampire. which sucked. so i had a bit of a break down. sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for hours, and argued with my lovely handsome sexy boyfriend even though it wasnt his fault. and i looked at my dog and got all extreme like "oooh goddddd. how can i ever be strong for you!?" hahaha. so dramatic when i'm depressed. the dog was just looking at me like "you're a ######6 idiot".

but yeah. i've been on this path recently towards stability for myself. i've cut down my drinking MASSIVELY. have gone from getting drunk twice a week to twice in the last 6 weeks...i have had the odd drink in between this but its always been in moderation...like i've got control over it suddenly...which is really good because the pyschologist wont see me again until i've completed a drink control program. i can now control all of the drinks.

i've been trying to eat well too. like cramming all the veggies into my guts. and i think i've been noticing the difference. i realllllyyyy want to be slim. but i'm an endomorph (also google that $#%^, very interesting) so its really hard for me to get actually slim. means i would pretty much have to be on a diet for the rest of my life and commit to doing work outs, which i dont want to do. i wish i was one of those people that just has to laze around and they dont get fat ever... but apparently that doesnt mean they arent fat on the inside..hahahaha. not in an "ugly on the inside" kind of a way, like their organs might be surrounded by fat which is really dangerous. i'd like for my organs to all work properly and stuff, so i've been trying to do loads of yoga and eat really healthy anti oxidant food and stuff.

i had a wobble with uni. decided i wanted to drop out and follow the path of enlightenment toward spiritual healing (? wtf? ) but then i realised i actually really do want to be studying animal behaviour so i had to do loads of damage control at uni, which was a little embarrassing, and reverse the withdrawal that i'd set in place... the faculty office sees waaayy too much of me for things like this. it aint cool.

but all in all, i'm reallllllyyy trying to sort things out for myself. as my friend put it "its making the choice to self love" which i really am doing....unfortunately my moods are still realllllyyyy loooopppyyyy as you might be able to tell from this post. i'm extreme some days really really happy and euphoric and MY GOD am i powerful. then other days i'm like a worm. the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle. like totally $#%^. its annoying me. i'm making all these lifestyle changes, and i have been making them for months now, and i still swing.

i'm starting to think that the differential dx of bipolar (rapid cycling i guess) might end up being confirmed soon. right now i dont care. i'm so happy and walking on hair. i dont want the medication and i can handle anything.... i know i always say i want meds when i'm sad though, so thats at the back of my mind :-S

does anyone reading this take quetiapine? might go by a different name in the states...something starting this S. i'm scared of taking it. it makes you gain weight bad, which i really dont want, and there's others things it does too. does anyone manage their bipolar herbally? ohmygod totally going to start a thread on that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/quote]

Hi! Just wanted to say your post made me smile I want you to get better for your dog truly, you both deserve it!! And good luck in Uni if the withdrawal was taken back!

On a side note, I took quetiapine years ago, they call it Seroquel in the states. I was put on a very low dose like 50mg or something for psychosis/insomnia and i think its more potent the less you're on. I would fall asleep in my car (not while driving i didn't drive at the time thank goodness!!), while standing up, it was horrible! I got off that stuff pretty quickly. Thats just ME though! I've read things on the forum where people actually think its a godsend for their symptoms. Not that i could show you, just from memory, sorry.

And just to sate my curiosity, I read this post in an Australian accent, am i right? probably not....lol!
I know you say you're Irish but don't say where you're from and I'm not gonna be creepy and look at your other posts and stuff >.<