I started having violent thoughts when I was quite young. I use to draw pictures of naked and semi naked women being mauled to death by wolves. I remember one of my babysitters being very concerned over the pictures. She never babysat us again after that.

As a child I was fascinated by death or rather, the process of dying. I liked watching things die. I can't explain why, but it still fascinates me to this day. When I was young I started killing insects in different ways so I could watch them die. This led to hurting and killing animals as I got older. As a teenager, having been raised around violence and abuse, I began having violent fantasies towards my family.

I experienced my first homicidal urge 24 years ago, at the age of 16. I wanted to tie my family up in the lounge room and burn the house down with them in it. The house actually did catch fire sometime after I had left home. Everybody who was in it at the time survived though.

At some point I started fantasizing about shooting my mother's boyfriend's mother because she was a real bitch. I had access to a gun, so I wrote her name on one of the bullets. My mother, who had come over to see me that day for some reason (I had already left home at that stage), found the bullet, but didn't get angry at me over it. She hated the woman as much as I did. So, I doubt she would have cared if I had killed her. Fortunately for the woman, I didn't end up killing her.

As I got older, my interest in murder became more than just seeking a means to an end. My attention turned to attractive strangers. The murder fantasies became intertwined with my sexual fantasies and the anger I experienced while growing up. The beast within grew a hunger for power, control and hedonistic desire.

For 24 years now I've been experiencing homicidal fantasies and urges to kill. When the urges get real bad they're harder to control. Controlling them becomes literally tormenting to the point where I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't find some release. Anger and aggression builds up like a ticking time bomb.

Sometimes I feel like I've been cursed and I wish that I didn't experience these homicidal urges at all. The fantasies themselves aren't really the problem. I enjoy having them, but the fantasy is only satisfying to a point. I have more than a desire to kill people these days. It has become what feels like a compulsive need.

I feel like I'm on a path to self-destruction. Everything that used to work as a release, doesn't work anymore. There's a part of me that wants to stop wanting to kill people because I know that it could end very badly for me. I just wish I could satisfy my urges in a way that won't involve the possibility of life in prison.

That doesn't sound good. Have you ever reached out for help? If you talk to someone about your thoughts I'm sure they'll help you, before you end up in jail. I really hope you get the courage to open up to someone. Good luck!

I did actually try therapy a few times, but considering a part of me doesn't want to change, therapy was useless.

I need to correct something in my blog. It's not anger and aggression that builds up, but frustration and aggression. That frustration doesn't always lead to anger.

I can easily fantasize about killing a specific target without experiencing any anger towards them at all. In fact, most times I don't experience any anger, but I still get frustrated at having to control the urges.

Best stick to insects. Its legal, and depending on the insect, you will be thanked

If your a guy and you can hide your psychopathy, go and enlist. You won't go to jail for killing an enemy soldier. Actually, you'll be rewarded more than anything.
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Well you're not a guy so you wouldn't be able to get in to infantry but turns out you can still fight in a tank or behind artillery or in a helicopter. I doubt you'd mind as long as you get to shoot, right?

Though your story is very different from mine, I can relate to your fantasies and urges. It is rare for me to feel compassion (but not unheard of) and your other blog-post certainly did that for me to some degree.
I wish I could help, but I can't even help myself stop having this need. If ever you need someone to talk to, I will lend you a discrete ear without judging. I don't expect you will, but I am offering none the less.

I am amazed at how a slight change like a story being presented as a tight knit persona of you, versus a link to a third party blog draws interest. Oh Javascript counters, versus server side stat counter which include robots? Take off 10-30% of your number... only an opinion...

[quote="StreetSaint"]If your a guy and you can hide your psychopathy, go and enlist. You won't go to jail for killing an enemy soldier. Actually, you'll be rewarded more than anything.
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Well you're not a guy so you wouldn't be able to get in to infantry but turns out you can still fight in a tank or behind artillery or in a helicopter. I doubt you'd mind as long as you get to shoot, right?[/quote]

Shooting is okay and I do like guns, but I'm more into knives these days. I like to be right up close and personal to whatever I want to kill.

I'm curious about what compels you to want to share/talk about these things, or be part of a community like this one? What's the outcome for you?

Its been a year, but if youre still around, theres a little we have in common. Do you ever get excited about the phantasies? Ive known a few people who experience what you describe, and its not bad if you can find a constructive release. Cutting helps for a time, but it stops helping quickly. Hunting can be good, or buying livestock (chickens and rabbits and such) and preparing them for dinner or jerky. Theres lots of good that can come from finding what works as a release. Id also look into AsPD forum, though most of them arent really afflicted, but theres a chance for good ideas. Good luck