I know I started getting chubby when I was around 8-10 years old. I didn't diet, I think it just happened due to me liking food & people would always tell me to clean my plate. If someone offered me a treat or snack, I didn't consider my hunger level... I just accepted it because it was good. I don't think I had any underlying emotional issues with it, I just wasn't aware of calories and weight management.

Once my weight got heavier, parents and others started voicing it. I'd get little comments... about being 'big'. No one tried to really insult me for the purpose of making me feel bad.. they would just mention my weight. I remember my mom trying to get me to shed some lbs.. it didn't work. She would go on and off diets her self, nothing consistent.

When I was 13, I started dating a boy. Later on, he dumped me... his reasoning being "you're too fat."
Ever since then I can't remember not worrying about my weight. I started telling myself I would lose it, but I was lost at how to diet... I remember I started aiming for only healthy foods. I would eat small, I don't know how much it was at the time... but I kept notes. They would be like this: "todays food; milk, egg, crackers, hamburger w/o the bun"
I wasn't aware of calories then, I just thought that eating small and making sure none of it was 'bad' food, I was OK. I would listen to food rules I'd heard from others...like skipping the bread, saying no to sauce/fats, etc.

A year later I got an online "diet buddy", she would always mention her calorie total.. I started doing that too. Pretty quickly I found online calorie counting sites; it was so easy! They told me just count your calories and you would lose... I did that, I lost. It became so hard to stop. I felt guilty on days I couldn't count a food. I had very few days where I would eat too much, but on those days... I didn't call them 'binges' .. I just would call them "cheats", which I always got back up after... it was never something that lasted long. The next day would be normal eating and counting. I remember on my 16th birthday I tried to purge, but my gag reflex wasn't good.
Back to dieting... I got so obsessed with calories that I started over estimating any food I didn't know the calories too...it freaked me out; & to this day I get anxious when I can't measure my cereal.
Anyhow, I got to the lowest "healthy" BMI for my age, I also lost my menstrual cycle for over a year. I had lost periods earlier, but it lasted 6 months and they came back. After going over a year, family found out. The doctor said my BMI was healthy, but people around me told me I looked gross and should gain weight. I went to a therapist, they didn't do much... mainly because I didn't trust them and was forced. I was in denial of having any problems.
After eating more, gaining weight... I got them back. It didn't take long. I stopped exercising daily.
BUT, After putting on a few lbs I started feeling terrible, I would just let myself binge like crazy... I made the excuse that everyone is telling me to gain so I should do that . I told myself I could easily lose weight later, easily stop eating so much... didn't happen. Binges became so freaking hard to stop! I started looking forward to eating huge amounts... this was something I hadn't done much . I used to eat so healthy. I lost control.

I think if I was honest with my therapist and told him how my worries with food and calories were, he would have diagnosed me with EDNOS. I don't think I had full blown anything , I was just confused on how many calories I needed to maintain, obsessed with the scale a little bit more than I should. I probably just needed someone to direct me to a nutritionist. I wasn't someone who went on thinspo... I wasn't pro ana / mia.

One more thing; All through my teen years while losing weight - I told myself very harsh and critical self talk. I was very negative and mean to myself. I told myself I was worthless and that no one would love me. Last year I started changing it, but it's still not great. I have days where I'm putting myself down...and days where I'm correcting my behavior. I'm a work in progress. I do know I deserve better than to be called those names; because not everything that I think is true.

It's been about 2 years since that, and I am 55lbs heavier . No one thinks I have a problem now. I just look chubby . I am overweight, I've been trying all year to lose a few lbs... .it's not working because I've now started using binges to cope with anything. Stressed? I binge. Sad? I binge. It's become a stupid cycle that I desperately want to get rid of. I also want to lose 30-40lbs. I don't want to get to my lowest weight, but I want to be at a healthy weight (BMI of 22-23).

I'm almost 19 years old now.

I've come to these forums in hopes that I can learn from other peoples journeys and discover more about my thoughts/actions. One day I would like to be able to love myself completely, to look in the mirror and see beauty.

If anyone wants to PM me, please do. I'd love to talk to others struggling with similar things.

TFAR = Your (T)houghts lead to your (F)eelings which lead to your (A)ctions with lead to your (R)esults.