I've been told that heavy stuff is what family is there for, but I can't feel it

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but I have problems serious esteem/ boundary issues around my family. It's so bad that I can't do anything that feels like I'm letting my guard down.

The few times I've opened up to family I've always instantly hated myself for doing so.

They said they'll let me crash in my old room until I get my own place, be it college or apartment. I guess it's nice of them, but I'm so apprehensive about seeing them. I'm really worried I won't be able to handle living with them again