Can we?

I have lost count to the number of stories I have heard and read about how we, addicts, can't deal with gambling again... ever more.

I do believe this is the way, but I struggle so much to stay away from gambling for more than a few weeks. In the past 10 years, I can count with the fingers in one hand, of the number of times i achieve 100 days without gambling. One hand...

I am an addict, I have no doubt about it, and while I have never been in an absulot situation of despair, I have hit rock bottom many times. It was the inability to get credit (the limits of my credit cards are relatively low) and because I never borrowed money for gambling (that I couldn't pay), that my situation never became as chaotic as many that we ready around here.

The problem is that there are moments where I do enjoy gambling. But there are also monets of absolut tilt and lack of control...

I wish we could all be normal again, enjoy this activity, like we do (for those who can) enjoy a beer with a friend. We know alcohol is no good, we never get richer by drinking it even if moderately, but we continue to do that whitout becoming alcoholics.

Just a few days ago, I relapsed. I received an email from one of the sites I used to play, saying that my self exclusion period had ended. Oh boy... it didn't take long for me to be complety hooked up...
Starting small... conservately... and bammm soon I was on a rollercoaster of emotions, and stress and anxiety, making deposits and withdrawals quicker than Lucky Luke. it was terrible.
Eventually I had on break and manage to recover and at that point I clicked on a cool off period.
I wasn't enjoying that any longer... but the high I was on... I just couldn't stop.

I could have just enjoyed it like a person who watches the home team win a game... but I am just not like that...

I try to be responsible (and I am in many aspects of my life), but I do get carried away sometimes... (many times).

I want to be normal. But maybe... that train has left the station...

I have wished many times that we can be normal again. I would love to play poker with my buddies. I would love to bet a few buck on a game. I would love to visit a casino again. However, I recognize that those are the thoughts of this addiction trying to feed itself.
If we look at it in a different way, can an alcoholic take the occasionally drink with their friends? I highly doubt it, even through they would love to. How about taking it another step further. Do you think that a drug addict can take some recreational drugs once in awhile? Goodness No! But the thing is, our brains are hardwired the same way. It is the connection to dopamine that causes our addition. Even though gambling seems much less harmless compared to drugs, the cycle of withdrawal and the cravings are the same.
Take this setback as a lesson to help improve your recovery. Self-exclude again and hopefully when that exclusion period approaches, take precautions and prepare for it. I remember when my self-exclusion lapsed, I reactivated my account just so that I could exclude again.