Something I've realized about myself: I have daddy issues. One definition of it is women who have complex, confusing, or dysfunctional relationships with men. Another definition of it is a woman who desires a strong attachment with a man. Considering my complex and confusing relationship with boyfriendish, as well as the strong sense of attachment I always feel with him despite not being romantically or sexually interested, it all makes sense. Though I wouldn't call our relationship dysfunctional at all and a lot of other signs of "daddy issues" I've read up on (clingy, jealous, etc.) don't apply to me. But the other big aforementioned things do apply to me, enough to where it's safe to say that the term still fits.

I don't really like the term "daddy issues" and lowkey feel embarrassed to admit that I have them, but it makes perfect sense. Before, I had speculated the odd dynamics of my relationship with boyfriendish COULD be related to my trauma. Now I feel silly for thinking it MAY be when it so obviously is. This goes without saying, but I didn't have a good, normal, healthy or affectionate relationship with my dad. Of course when I have a man in my life who's willing to settle for being physically affectionate with me and never pushing his luck, I'm going to have a strong sense of attachment with him. Not that I see him as a father figure, of course, but he's clearly filling the void of an affectionate male figure for me I never had in life.

I don't even know how "daddy issues" even came to mind. I was just reflecting on myself, like I tend to do, and the possibility of me having daddy issues just came to mind. I feel a little ridiculous for just now realizing all of this, but as logical as I try to be, I am still human. All part of the road to recover and still learning things about myself, you could say.