It was suggested that I try to write in this blog to help me. I haven't really expressed my memories in a public blog like this before. I have chatted privately with others about it but not publicly like this. This will be new for me. But I have always been up for new adventures! Recently my frequency and intensity of masturbating and looking at pornography has escalated. I am looking for ways to calm down more. I am hoping this blog will help me.

I have been told my father and his friend were experts at grooming young children for sex. I don't have bad feelings about what I experienced, I have always had warm feelings remembering, even masturbating to my memories to this day.

I have flashes of memory when I was 6 yrs old. I dont remember before then. He spent most of his time the first year open mouth kissing me and masturbating me at the same time, then licking me and tasting me. It felt so good, I felt pure love when he did that to me. When I would be next to him on the sofa or at bedtime I would pull down my panties and raise my hips looking into his eyes hoping he would kiss me and touch me. He repeated it over and over again.

After 4-5 months of that then the experience was punctuated with him ejaculating heavily on me while his friend watched us. Grasping my hair and moving me to the large mirror and moving my face back and forth telling me how pretty i looked now, and masturbating me in front of the mirror. I felt like he was making me look pretty and that he loved me so much that he put it on my body.

*mod edit* I remember looking down and just staring at it on me. Proof he loved me so much. I still get so wet remembering this.

When I am with a man now and he ejaculates on me, sometimes the memories come flooding back, I think from the scent, and my orgasms are raised to another level of intensity. And when I see a girl my age then I remember, looking at her, flashes of how I looked with his semen on me, and i masturbate later in private. I think this has contributed to my recent escalation in masturbating and looking at pornography.

Anyways those are my thoughts on my first blog entry. I feel like this is beginning of a new journey for me. Thank you for reading this.

xoxox

Melanie