2 days ago my mother asked if i was gay and i told her no. i probably am, but i don't have that totally figured out yet. but something clicked inside me and i realized that she was prepared to hear whatever i had to say. so i booked an hour with my therapist to talk about it.
yesterday i woke up for therapy and i had dreamed that a small child with very sexual behavior approached my and some friends. i realized she was possessed by a demon and began to recite hail marys in latin to cast the demon off. then an actual devil grabbed me from my back and tried to stop me. it was dressed in a big white cloth all around its body and have a face like it was made of stone. i grabbed its garment and pushed the devil to the ground so that it would fall out of its cloth and everyone would see it for the devil it was. but it disappeared and i was only left with the cloth in my hands. when i woke up i realized that the only way to exorcize the devil that haunts my inner child was by exposing it. then i went to see my therapist. she was all in favour of me telling my mother about my abuse (i've written about it on my first entries). we booked a session for today.

my mother was very shocked and angry at my cousin who abused me (he's fortunately dead nowadays). we could talk about why i hid it from everyone and how it had affected me. obviously i didn't go into any details about the horror that my sex life is (that's really only my business). we also talked about who he was (a distinctly perverse person ever since he was a child) and she could talk about her anger and about her feeling guilty for not protecting me enough, although i told her she couldn't possibly imagine he was THAT perverse, nor keep an eye on me all the time. until now i'm feeling a little dissociated and it's hard for me to process that i finally told her. she has an individual appointment with my therapist tomorrow to talk about it.

i'm hoping that now some part of my relationship with my mother, that i closed myself to due to the fact that i was hiding an enormous secret can finally come to life. i'm considering talking to my father as well. i believe he should know since my abuser belonged to his part of the family.

now i'm feeling a lot of the anger i've felt before coming back. i'm beginning to remember some small things my uncle (the father of the abuser) said to me when i was younger. for example, he used to criticize me because i had long hair and he said that was for ladies. or how his family now treats my abuser as a saint just because he died. or how my aunt, his wife, probably noticed when i came to talk to her with my pants half down after "playing" with my cousin, but didn't have the courage to make assumptions about her son. these things are coming back and infuriating me. i feel this anger might be the energy i need to tell my father. but for now all i want is to leave it be for a while. this secret has consumed so much of my energy for the past years... now i think i deserve a break.

Sounds like a smart plan- use the anger but not let it overwhelm you... hugs!

i believe that rescueing anger as a powerful instrument is essential for everyone that's been victimized. we have all been forced to swallow powerlessness for such a long time that it's easy to just stick to it forever.

Agreed

Agreed