I've come to terms with reality and the way I've been living my life until now. I've always questioned who and what I really am and what i'm meant to do, and I've been thinking that I've changed... That I've been making progress. But I haven't.

I understand now that I have not been making any change, not going through any catharsis, but have just been digging my own grave, deeper and deeper as I continued on.

How grossly I've been overestimating myself and my capabilities. How similiar I am to the miserable mass of sheep that i look down on. How badly i've been letting myself down when the only hand that I could reach for to pull myself out was my own.

These hopes and dreams of mine, this false perception of myself that I've created is just a sham.

I've been trying to touch the sky while riding on a balloon that was inflated on naivety and misguided optimism. That when that balloon pops, you're left to fall hopelessly into the cesspool that you drifted over while blindlessly riding along with your fingers in your ears thinking you're going somewhere...

Reality is cruel, you live ignorant of it until one day it grabs you, kicks you down and drags your face to the dirt while all you can do is gaze at what you could have been.

My mind is in shambles and my thoughts have become a roiling mess of contempt and self loathing.

I'm lost...