just diagnosed bipolar at age 43 and feeling so guilty

I am married to the most wonderul man. We have been together for 23 years and he has been amazing regarding my health. I have more than one health issue. I have colitis as well as having had my hip rplaced at 40. On the surface I look like a youthful happy woman and no one would ever know how hard it is to simply function. People are attracted to me as I portray a very happy upbeat and positive energy. Of course thats on the days that I can make it out of bed. In other words on my manic days. I am able to sleep only 0-2 hours a night sometimes being up for over 40 hours straight and having energy to spare. Those days of course are darkened by the knowledge that I will have to pay dearly for them. The dark days are just awful. I think about suicide often, never planning on following through with the thoughts as I would NEVER curse my loved ones with that. I recall how my mothers attempts made me feel and I am adamantly opposed to that choice.
The issue for me is how to deal with the guilt. I did tell my husband when he originally wanted to date me that he was mistaken. I proceeded to list the many many things that were wrong with me and that he had no idea what he was in for and that if knowing all of that he still wanted to date me that at least he was warned lol.

23 years later and I am still dealing with mental illness. At least I now have a diagnosis but so far the meds are not helping AT ALL. I have been given seroquel XR and was supposed to go for a follow up appointment yesterday at 330 but I slept for 36 hours and missed it. I also of course missed a dose as its hard to take meds when asleep. I told my DH that I had a migraine as I feel like $#%^ telling him that its the mental illess. He was the one that said that my mental health was bad enough that I needed to stop trying to work. He was the one that said stay home and get better. He has been so kind and loving and I know that I shouldn't be hididng the symptoms from him but he is trying SO hard to help and it feels like I have failed him somehow. I have told my daughters about my diagnosis and both replied "no kidding" with joking sarcasm. They said that they had both come to that conclusion a long time ago. They are such smart cookies.

Has amyone ese felt that thay needed to hide the illness and to try and protect their loved ones? How did you or are you dealing with this aspect of being ill?

Thanks for any help you can offer.

Sincerely,
Alice

Sounds like your family likes you and supports you. All in all, lucky you, lucky them.

Please go back to your doctor and tell him/her that the meds don't seem to be effective, as they can be adjusted to suit you.

I will move your thread to the Bipolar Forum, and leave a shadow thread here in Relationships so that you can have the support of both forums.

Please don't feel that you have to hide your illness from your loved ones. Having some knowledge of the illness and its effects can help them, as well as you. Bipolar Disorder is an illness that can be controlled with the right dosage of medication, and if you were to become ill, it is important that your family know and understand so that they can support you. Please don't feel guilty for having the illness. It is in many ways a physical illness caused by bio chemical disturbances in the brain, and it is in no way your fault that you have it.

I have HPD, which I continue to heal from thanks to therapy, and Bipolar Type 2, and in some ways feel that my family are in denial that I have the illness because they have never known me to be any other way, and they see the illness as being a part of me, which in some ways it is. Looking at it in this way helps me to integrate the illness into my life, and live with it, and also to treat it in a similar way to a disease like diabetes which can be kept under control.

Dear Alice,

yes, I absolutely can relate to that.

I live in a different country from most of my family, and we mostly speak on the phone. I got originally diagnosed with depression in 2004, and downplayed it to the point where my mother got the impression depression is basically some sort of non-existent barely-there condition which doesn't change anything. Now I had to tell her about me having bipolar, and my brother reported she said to him my depression "slightly worsened" -- no doubt because I tried to spare her again. This results in my family sometimes saying/doing things that trigger me -- no surprise since I told them I am doing so well.

I have a similar problem with my partner. Some of my more worrying symptoms are back this week, and I just hide everything and try to smile and forge on as much as I can. I realise that feeling guilty about suffering from an illness is stupid, but... well... what can I say. That's how I feel. Weirdly I am very understanding and empathic towards everybody else, just not myself.

I can completely understand where you are coming from from what you have said. I think it is common to want to hide things from ppl we love for all sorts of reasons. What I will say tho is once you stop doing that things do get an awful lot easier. It is exhausting hiding things and it does make life a lot less tiring not to - tho it can be a tough adjustment. It is worth thinking about being honest with ppl tho - you are not letting them down, or any other negative things you think will be consequences.

Keep talking

HUgs

Cracked

I can totally relate......my story is very similar to yours. It took a looooong time to get diagnosed, and longer still to come closed to finding the right Meds. Lots of trial and error. Say the course- you're closer now to understanding and getting the help you need. It's worth sticking it out, but please communicate with your doctor. It took me lots of Meds to get it right. But you will find the right medication or combo to deal with your symptoms and result in as few side effects as possible. Stay strong.