I'm Confused

I don't know If I have any sort of depression, but I know everybody on both sides of my family have some form of this disorder; bi-polar, seasonal affect, etc. Sooo, pretty high risk. But there was no-where else to ask my question, and I felt a lot of my symptoms fit in here.

So I'm an extremely happy person, I'm always the one suggesting to do outrageous things, I run up to complete strangers and ask personal questions, very social, extremely sexual, I blow entires chunks of money on "whimsy" purchases, non-judgemental, over-generous, impulsive, energetic, everybody knows I'm the one to dare to do anything. This is how I feel during the day, around people, or with a light on. Yet at night (though I sleep with a night-light) and with a few day-time exceptions, I get periods of seriously wanting to kill myself, planning suicide or cutting, crying for hours, feeling like I've "fallen" into a mental black-hole and just writhing in mind-anguish for extended periods of time, complete/debilitating loss of sexual drive during masturbation or sex, or extreme feelings of rejection or sadness after having sex or getting off the phone with somebody. I genrally have to take medicine to go to sleep just to rid myself of the pain.

Sometimes periods of elation strike me at night and i won't go to sleep until 11am, i just stay up all night on the computer or playing videogames. Sometimes periods of depression strike me during the day and i just uncontrollably cry while feeling nauseus, I just feel detached and empty and put on sunglasses and music. I'm very logical and I usually "think" myself through them, or rationalize why I can't have outbursts of the magnitude I really want to (throwing things, yelling, etc).

I'm confused at what I'm experiencing, I believe I'm a happy person and there's no reason to get serious attention for this, yet I have had 8 sucicide attempts, 3 of which I was hospitalized for. (Those failed attempts just make me sadder when I do feel down.) What exactly can my symptoms be described as? Is there any safe way to reduce the weird sad cycles? I classify myself as a happy person so I really do not understand why usually in the dark, alone, I turn into a completely different person, and sometimes I don't.

Hi Ravenkiko,
Sorry you're struggling with such volatile moods. None of us here are docs, so we're can't diagnose anyone, but it does sound like your moods are swinging back and forth and to a degree that is worth addressing with a doc. I know you classify yourself as a generally happy person, but the fact that your mood shifts are impacting your quality of life is, indeed, a reason to see if a doc might be able to help. I made 3 feigned suicide attempts, one of which landed me in the hospital... and I can def relate to those after-the-fact feelings sucking you further into a black hole of depression.

Maybe you could print your posting, since you laid out your symptoms fairly clearly, and take those to a doc?

Hugs to you,
Koshka

Did you ever see a doctor about this?