Daughter needing advice

hello all! I am hoping someone can give me some advice.

My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder today. I know this sounds cold, but I am having trouble accepting that. The reason is because she has been researching it for a long time, and basically self diagnosed herself before even going to the doctor.

My question is this: How do you know the difference between bad behavior and bipolar disorder? My mom can turn off her tantrums like a pro, and never has one unless one of her adult children or her husband doesn't do what she wants when she wants. She is hurtful if you call her out on her behavior, and never apologizes, yet she expects you to apologize for nothing. Recently, we discovered that her and my brother in law were having a 2 year long affair, and my mom THEN decided that she needed to be seen by a doctor because she has a mental disorder. When I think of a mental disorder, like bipolar disorder, I think of someone who does something on impulse, not thinking about it. But obviously my mom planned out this affair and and hid it from everyone (which means she knew the consequenses of her actions). Am I being too hard on her? Should I believe a diagnosis that I feel is more her feeding the doctor what he needs to hear in order to get that specific diagnosis? I am just really confused, and I don't know how to handle the situation. She has hurt a lot of people, especially my sister, and I feel that she is hiding behind this disorder to keep from having to own up to her actions. How can you tell when it is a sincere problem?

Hi and welcome,

It is difficult. People who have biolar do hurt their famillies and friends in many ways and it is not necessarily all impulsive when they are hypomanic or manic. There is a psychological component to BP as well as a physiological one. I think that the 2 things I would suggest are firstly time will tell. Over time if she is bipolar she may well respond to meds, although meds sometimes need to be altered for a while to give her the best chance of treatment and find an appropriate combination. Secondly give her the benefit of the doubt for now, if she is bipolar then she may well be feeling secretly scared and ashamed and could use support. Also I would suggest research research research so you are as aware as possible about bipolar and what it means.

Cracked

Well Beth, I hope for you and your siblings sake it is bipolar and that treatment will bring to you a worthy mother. I have strong feelings about this situation as I too had a very selfish mother who has causes incredible destruction in the family; wrecked lives while making herself out to be a victim, the one wronged. You and your sister, don't have a "mum" but you do have each other - and instead of focussing on your mother's destructive behaviour - focus on the love and friendship your sister share. Whatever is wrong with you mum and there sounds to be a lot - leave it to her and your sister's ex-husband to work out. I don't know if a person can come back from going that far off the rails but it's not up to you or your sister or you step/dad, to do anything to help her. I do hope that your sister cuts ties with her husband. Sleeping with your mother-in-law is really out there. Rather than looking at what is wrong with your mother and brother in law, I'd be focussing wholeheartedly on you, your sister, your step/dad, all moving forward and carving out great lives without the abuse. I'm so sorry your mother and step-brother have done this to your family. Big hugs, Jade x

thank you both for your suggestions! CG, I will definately do more research, so that I can keep myself informed on everythig! LW, you hit the nail right on the head when you said your mother made herself out to look like the victim. My mom does this NONSTOP. I feel like I am living in a lifetime movie or something..

Let us know how it goes hon

Cracked