Here it comes again

Started out having a good day, feeling productive, even checked my mail (which is big for me). Now I can feel it starting to turn. Anxiety building, bad feelings starting. Nervous energy, feeling trapped. This week, I have had more bad days than good, which is not "normal" for me. Feel like I'm going downhill. I feel more and more like I am becoming non-functional as time passes. I've had some extra days off from work, which I don't know, might contribute to the problem. Too much time to think and get lost in my own head. I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing. This sux. Thanks for reading.

Well, hang in there. Is there something else you can do that's not demanding of you in the same way as work? I presume you're off work to get away from the demands.

The demands and the heat - I work outside in Florida. Work's been sucking lately too though (have a new manager who is a nightmare) so I thought it would be good to get away and try to figure out if its time to look for something else to do. BUt the more I look at it, the more I think I'm stuck. I feel like I'm somewhat secure in my job now and they have worked around me having to take medical leave to start my meds and quit drinking (of course they didn't know the details). I don't know if another company would be as flexible. I'm coming up on a year of sobriety and thought I was coming out the other side of the bad part of my life. I was beating this thing. Now I feel I'm sliding down a slippery slope back into the constant feelings that plagued me before I started this trip. And worse, I've been tempted to drink for the first time since I quit last Oct. I haven't, I'm staying strong, but I keep hearing myself saying "why fight so hard, its not worth it, just give in and go with it".

I feel like I've been in some form of mania/hypomania for the past couple of months and now I'm coming down hard. I knew something was probably coming, but not like this. I plan on making an appt with my psychiatrist to talk about meds, but I haven't found a good therapist yet. I feel like I just tell them what they want to hear anyway.

I never expected to live this long. My mother drank herself to death, followed a couple of years later by my father. I was supposed to be next. Now that I'm not on that track, I don't know what is meant for me.

Sorry I'm rambling.

Congratulations on the sobriety. I am sorry you are in a place where you are thinking about drink.

It sounds like two things need to be done. The first is to see a psychiatrist to see if meds need fiddling with as you dont sound that stable. The second is you sound like you have a lot of stuff to think through atm and I think a therapist would be great for that so keep looking for one. But please see a psych sooner rather than later to sort out your mood.

Cracked

Thanks - was feeling better this morning. Took my pup to the beach for the first time and had a blast. I will make the appt with the psych tomorrow, just got home too late today. Thanks for reading and replying, its nice to have someone there that understands

I've never had an alcohol addiction. But from other who have I've learned that you should resist going back to it even once. People have told me again and again without exception that taking one drink just to see if it was the same after so long of being sober turned the habit back on like it never left. If the good experiences you've had since October because you quit drinking are things you want to keep in your life, keep the alcohol out of your life.

I don't know what is meant for me either. I'm not religious and it's easy to say the meaning of life is whatever you make it to be. But that just leaves a whole universe of possibilities. It's an adventure.

I have been on a binge lately. I don't know why. I drink until I sleep. I think that is why. It helps me sleep. When I have trouble sleeping. Which can be often. So twice a week I will go on a wicked bender. Sometimes more frequent, it depends. I live a really healthy lifestyle. But I would prefer to die in my sleep. Any night would be good. Tonight would be good. I pray for it.

bepp wrote:Thanks - was feeling better this morning. Took my pup to the beach for the first time and had a blast. I will make the appt with the psych tomorrow, just got home too late today. Thanks for reading and replying, its nice to have someone there that understands

I am glad you are doing better and the pup sounds sweet. I am pleased you are going to make an appt with your psych. Let us know how you are doing.

f mae wrote:I have been on a binge lately. I don't know why. I drink until I sleep. I think that is why. It helps me sleep. When I have trouble sleeping. Which can be often. So twice a week I will go on a wicked bender. Sometimes more frequent, it depends. I live a really healthy lifestyle. But I would prefer to die in my sleep. Any night would be good. Tonight would be good. I pray for it.

f mae you dont sound well, when do you next see someone?

Thinking of you both

Cracked

I see no one. The system finger f'ed me over and over and over again. I am a borderline that no one wants around. Truly. I need to find a prescribing nurse. I won't do therapy. If I am somehow forced to do therapy, bad things will happen. Then I will seriously be locked up for a long time. If I have learned anything in this life, it's that I need to stay far away from narcissists and therapists and that auto-tune "music" crap. (I also avoid the previews to those Saw films, just a few seconds will make me psychotic. Disgusting.)

But thanks for caring. Barely anyone notices....

Well I am thinking of you and post as much as you want here for support.

Cracked