Hiding my diagnosis is straining me.

It's about a month now since my diagnosis od Bipolar I Disorder. So far I only had the guts to tell some friends of my disorder. Half of them who have some issues and disorders themselves. I didn't want to tell anybody till I was comfortable enough and I understood what was going on enough.
But then I get a call from a counseler. She was from a company that my work outsources to. They specialise in people's wellness. She said that my HR rep at the company asked her to call me, as my manager contacted her. He said he was worried about me and my behabiour at work.

F*ck. This made it harder to keep this a secret. This was MY secret and My problem. I didn't want my boss and HR rep involved! But I had to make the difficult choice, I had to come clean. Because if my behaviour is noticible at work, that meant that my work might be slipping, and I already have a final warning. I decided to tell my boss and HR rep about my diagnosis. I was shitting brick and stuttering like an mad when I told them. But, it's out now. And the two days after that I felt great! I assumed that it was because I let go of the secret. But now, I need to tell my parents.

I can't bear telling them. They have misconceptions about me. I haven't lived with them in 8 years. THey still assume I'm the same guy I was when I was at school. How do I break that, if they are so proud of the person they think I am. It is getting too hard on me. I have constant headaches, which I believe might be from holding this inside. There are so many topics or questions I have to avoid because I don't want people to know about my BP. "Why aren't you drinking? Because of meds? What kinda meds?" "What happened to you and your ex?" I suffer! How do I tell my parents that I have this thing over my head? My dad is old-school. He just gets over stuff. He just does. My mom says straight, "You are not a crazy person."

I feel like I'm pulling my mood down by just typing this post.

Hi Never,
So sorry you're struggling right now. It definitely is a strain holding something in... the pressure adds so much stress and get us down a lot.

My opinion about sharing diagnoses is this. My diagnosis is personal. I should tell only those that NEED to know and those I WANT to know. Telling HR falls under "need to know" since behavior at work is important and I need my boss to know that, should my behavior due to the BP emerge at work, it is a condition that I am actively trying to manage. A lot of times when a boss knows that we have a condition and that we are actively trying to manage it, it does make the world of difference to them and they have the tendency not to fire us for acting wierdly.

As far as telling others... that falls under "who I want to know." Bosses are the only "need to know" because that involves my ability to earn money.... the rest of the people fall under "want to know". Do you WANT your parents to know? Is it really vital that they know? Just because they are your parents does not mean that they NEED to know. I only told my parents because I am close to them (hence, I "want" them to know). As far as friends and acquaintances.... depends upon who they are and how close they are to me. I also cannot drink. My stock answer to them on the drinking question is "sorry, I'm on meds that I can't drink with." Does this mean I am necessarily on psych meds? Nope. Do you know how many meds out there you are not supposed to drink with? TONS UPON TONS. Any med with sedating capabilities comes with a warning not to drink alcohol... just as an example. If people press you (not that it's any of their damn business, but if they do) toss out one of those meds (go to this website and pick one: http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/ ... dicine.htm) If you go to the site, you will notice a TON of over-the-counter cold and allergy meds amongst tons of other meds). So don't worry that not drinking is necessarily indicative of psych meds... because it's NOT!!!

Bottom line is this... you only NEED to tell a boss. The rest of the people in your life is really up to you and how close with them you are. You needn't stress over people you THINK should know. Only those you WANT to know should know. I'd sit down and think about who those people are before you just stress about those you're assuming should know. This may help you manage the stress of feeling like you're hiding something. And do not feel like you are "hiding" it from who you don't tell.... who you share info with is a personal decision. Those with whom you do not, it's not some dirty little secret. BP is YOUR medical info.... just like any other medical info. I am infertile and 42... I get all the time "Do you have kids?" answer: "no" follow-up question "oh, you didn't want kids?" answer depends upon who they are.... close friends "nope, fertility issues." others get any other reason that pops in my mind that's not a lie (ie- well, I've been divorced for 10 years and don't relish the thought of single parenthood) True statement, but not real reason. I am not lying but also not sharing personal medical info.

I'm so sorry you're stressed about this. I hope some of what I said helps. Your condition isn't a dirty secret, nor should you share it with everyone on the planet.

Hope you find peace soon
-Koshka

Geez Koshka, that REALLY helped me! You have no idea how much!

Know the difference betweeon "need to know" and "want to know". I think I want my parents to know, just not sure how to tell them. I want them to know who I am now (not that I'm too sure sure who that is anyway).

But thank you Koshka.

You're absolutely welcome, Never

Well, I, too, have had trouble talking to my parents about things. They're aware of my mental health issues because I had a major meltdown and landed in the hospital when I lived with them for a year, so I do tell them stuff about my BP. But they're ultra conservative, so I had to tell them I was going to move in with a guy (I'm 42 and this was a couple of months ago... the move didn't happen, but at the time that I was telling them it was in the works). I'm a psychology student, so I used a little bit of reverse-psychology on them. I asked my dad to tell me how he knew my mom was "the one." That's how I started out. I let my dad tell me his hour long story till he had no more wind left in him. Then when he finished he just looked at me a little confused and asked me why I wanted to know (LMAO). I then told him the story about re-connecting with an old boyfriend (the guy I was moving in with) and went from there.

Only you know your parents best. Pick a time you think kinda fits for "sharing sensitive info." I have found that if you start out by opening up with a question for them to kinda "tell their story" that puts them at ease because it gives them the impression you're coming to them for parental advice (which parents LOVE... all parents want to feel their children still need them). So maybe if you started out with a question like "Mom/Dad, have you every had a situation that you really wanted to talk about because it was bothering you, but you were afraid others were going to judge you?" and when they ask "Why do you want to know?" you respond with "I'd really like to hear your experience with something like this because I'm kinda wrestling with something right now and your experience could really help me." They may say "well, what's bothering you?" Redirect it back to them with "You're my parents and you have a lot more life experience than I do, so if you could share how you handled something like this, I'd love to share what's going on with me." Get them to share first. They will feel wanted, needed, and looked up to.

That's just one technique to try. I found it helped with my parents, especially when I am trying to talk to them about something that they'd normally go off the deep end about.

Again... you know them best. Kinda formulate a conversation starter like I did above, and then just kinda let that sit in your mind until a "good time to talk" presents itself. You'll still be nervous (I was physically sick before talking to my parents... throwing up and the works), but if you figure out a good lead-in, it can help you start out, as that's usually the hardest part. Plus you can use what they say in answer to your "what did you go through?" question to sort of gauge how they feel about things and guide you to what to say when they stop talking (I already knew the story of how my dad knew my mom was the one.... so I just kinda tuned out for the hour he was re-telling the story to me and used that time when he was talking to sort out what I'd say when he stopped talking...lol)

Hope that helps.

Hugs!
-Koshka

To tell or not to tell? Hmmm. I think you have been given some great advice. I personally do tend to tell ppl but that is because in my situation it is usually impoprtant that they know. But you only need to tell those who HAVE to know and those you WANT to know. With time you may feel more comfortable sharing but it is your business and it is up to you who you tell.

Cracked

I agree with the "need to know" & "want to know" theory. I tend to tell a lot of people about it. Almost everyone in my immediate family knows about it. But - I also feel I need to tell them because they live so close to me & I keep getting put in the hospital. I tell people online quite a bit but then again - they are anonymous to me so I feel safe doing so.

I say - do what you feel is best FOR YOU.

Yes Yes, everyone has given you wonderful advice I think.
Only do what you're comfortable with concerning those outside the "need to know" circle. If you feel the need to tell your parents (I can understand why you would), just prepare yourself for their possible reactions, that way you'll be able to handle it better. I remember telling my parents....neither of them know the first thing about mental illness, lol. My dad tries his hardest to understand. My mother... well, she thought that I could take my meds for a while and be "cured". I wanted to smack her. I chose to educate her instead