I don't know and not sure I want to know anymore.

I am hacked off, I am fed up, I am down, I am frustrated, irritable and everythign else. I need to DO something and maybe when I am feeling like this, I should be calling the mental health crisis team.

Gah.

So, I am new. I am a 30 year old woman (that always sounds so weird to me cos I just feel like I got stuck at some point in teenage hood and never moved on) with a husband and 3 young kids.

I was diagnosed with depression aged 13 and no one ever looked beyond that for years. EVERYTHING was put down to it, ups, downs, round and rounds, violent behaviour, odd behaviour and even hearing voices.

I was sectioned aged 18, Didn't have an assessment, just spent most of the 72 hour period wandering around while docs and nurses locked themselves in their offices. I was sectioned after a serious overdose attempt.

I self harm, have done for 18 years or so, first over dose aged 13/14, was hospitalised for that one, a few I wasn't, hospitalised for sectioning incident, not hospitalised for a few more, hospitalised for another one, then not for a few more, then I had a severe self harm incident but I can't remember if I overdosed or not, over dosed again a couple of weeks again, didn't go hospital but then this week I was hospitalised for another suicide attempt.

I have been failed, over and over again by mental health services and I have been sure that I suffered more than depression because depression just doesn't fit for me, not with extreme highs and lows and everything else that goes on. A lot of what went on was never really mentioned because of fear of being sectioned, because people might look at my family badly (that one was pushed on me by my family), because I wouldn't get accepted into college (another one pushed on me by family) and because I would have my kids taken away....... So I kept hiding, I asked for help so many times and never got it, kept asking, never got it, it was just antidepressants at higher and higher doses and they make me mental so then I would either have to stop them or switch to another type and really, its just been one nightmare after another.

So, on Wednesday after a couple of days in hospital, I walk out, handed a discharge note only to discover that not only do I have liver damage (something they failed to mention while I was in hospital and considering I am on pretty heavy pain meds due to 2 chronic pain conditions I would have thought it pretty important imfo) but also, while I was in hospital they said I was going through a bad 'moment' (one of the psychiatrists who saw me there said that), I said '18 years is a pretty long moment', yet there, on the discharge paper, it now says I suffer depression with psychosis (I told them EVERYTHING.

I am on valium to help keep things under conrol and that is it, I have the mental health crisis team 24 hour helpline number and I have to wait until Wedsneday for my Psychology appointment which was booked prior to the the OD, but no other support and just crazy thoughts go around my head, memories from when I wasn't right and thought I was ok but remembering the odd facial expressions of people and everything else.

Current plan is to go to Psychology appointment on Wednesday, I am being referred for a pyschiatric evaluation but they don't know how long that will take and until then, they won't sort out meds apparently and that scares me stupid because I hate being like this, I don't want to be up and down and everywhere and I want to have a normal relationship with my family. I just don't know.

And I am scared, and feel alone and I wanna cry and I don't know what, I just feel even more lost now than I did then and I am sure they still have the diagnosis wrong because everytime I try and look into things to work it out, bipolar comes up as the closest thing to me symptom wise than anything else.

I just needed to get this out before I exploded.

Thank you for reading..........

First I'll say, no dr here, but bipolar does seem to fit based off your symptoms. I completely understand how you feel (Ok...with the exception of length of time and OD/suicide attemps) and I know it's horribly scary - especially when you feel like you're not being treated accordingly. If you don't mind my asking, where are you located? (curious about the seemingly lack of appropriate medical help) Just try to hang in there, though I realize you've been doing that for many years already. Glad to have you here; this place has been a blessing for me and probably many others, and I think you'll find it acts as a good support system. Welcome

UK BUT I have moved around a lot and a lot of my worst symptoms have been hidden for various reasons, the main one eing I got used to my parents never listening to me so I stopped talking about the things I was seeing and hearing (apparently I definitely not schizophrenic but I am having episodes of psychosis).

The other thing is, my Docs have only ever seen me when I was depressed, not during the times I was off my face on life. That said, with my history of suicide attempts, anxiety states, self harm, risky behaviour (brawling in the pubs, unprotected sex with numerous people depending on how I am feeling etc etc) and substance abuse including alcoholism and my reactions to anti depressants which from what I can gather, do in fact mimic the rapid cycling you would see in a bipolar person who isn't being treated appropriately with other drugs at the same time, I am very confused as to why I wasn't referred AT LEAST for a psych eval way before now.

My husband is being very supportive in spite of the fact I have been acting very odd for years (particularly recently because yet again I reached crisis point on antidepressants), he had no idea I was going to leave him, had filled out housing forms etc and all because I 'thought' he was really angry and hated me'. We are in £15,000 of debt because of ME and only me and for a family on benefits due to various other health probs in the family, that is quite a lot.

I think I need to stop thinking and worrying about it today so just gonna have my sleeping tablets (I can be awake for days even with them but I am shattered at the moment so they might just help tonight, and I could do with a night of sleep and hopefully, no nightmares cos that is another thing that plagues me).

Thanks for your reply. Will get back tomoroow!!!!!

Welcome. I am sorry you are struggling. I slightly edited your post for your safety. Please if you can make a list of what you are like when you are up and down to take to your assessment in order to give them a good picture of your symptoms, esp as it can be difficult sometimes in the heat of the moment to remember them all. Keep posting here as well, you are not alone.

Cracked