Issues

Hello, my name is Craig and I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 last year (late July-early August). As such obviously this year has been a struggle learning about the disorder, how it affects me personally, and after getting treatment trying to come to terms with all I had done to family and friends over the 20+ years that I have been Bipolar and misdiagnosed/untreated.

Moving on to today, I have been having a very difficult time trying to figure out what actions, thoughts, emotions, etc are actually me being me vs. what can be attributed to the actual condition. I also have been having a difficult time getting outside myself...lingering too long on what I have been through and what I am enduring now. Further, I seem to have developed a crippling fear of doing anything stressful at all out of fear of going into another mental break/relapse into deep depression and/or mania that caused so many problems before. I also am fearful of taking on stressful, new things b/c for the first time in so many years, I have felt stable and 'myself'. I fear that doing so will possibly take me out of that 'good' place. These things seem to be crippling me with indecision, on issues that need to be made on career/employment. As it continues, my inaction causes problems with my fiancee who is fully ready for me to get going (rightfully so). As those problems have mounted, it's caused me to withdraw even more into overthinking and paralysis with these decisions.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of dilemna during the first year of diagnosis (or anytime)? I'm hoping that hearing others people's struggles with this along with my verbalizing it will help break me out of the viscious circle I am in right now. Thanks in advance.

Hi Craig -

I just got diagnosed the other day for certain. (The diagnosis had been floating around for a bit though.) I'm just started to really learn about it beyond what I already know generally. I can totally relate with not knowing what is yourself & what is due to the disorder. When you're feeling high & happy, is it just you feeling great or is it (hypo)mania? When you're feeling depressed, how many of those thoughts that go round your head are yourself & how much is the depression? It's confusing.

I'm Bipolar II, so I'm assuming your mania is much more crippling than mine. So, I'm sorry that I can't quite relate to that too well, but I understand the major depressive episodes only too well.

I'm also trying to avoid any stressful situations. I just took a speech class & it triggered hypomania in me & then a deep crash where I almost failed the second speech after aceing the first one due to the manic productivity. But having two sped up summer classes, I broke down in math class & was hysterically crying. That was the start of the crash into major depression. The classes ended, but I'm so deep into depression right now. I can feel myself falling back down the rabbit hole. I'm nervous about the upcoming semester where I'm taking three very hard classes. Also, my family wants me to get a job which I don't have right now.

So, I totally get you when you say you're nervous about doing anything stressful. I am, too.

Hope you feel better soon about these things. Are you on a stable mix of drugs?