I'm worried

I've read all kinds of info and posts from people who wonder if they're bipolar and I happen to be one of them. I'm not sure where to begin. I will say for starters that I've never had a psychotic episode (well I heard voices once, but that was just a side effect from zoloft). Anyway, I've been all over the map for years. When I was 17, I attempted suicide. Since even before that, I usually go most of the time in long stretches of what I'm guessing is mania but I'm not sure. I've abused oxycodone before and if any of you have ever taken them, you understand the euphoria you get from them. Without drugs, I know I dont feel the same wave of euphoria that I get from the pills, but I'm chipper almost to the point of feeling a very light high. When I get that far I turn into a "chatty kathy" with people and even talk to myself like I'm talking to someone else (I'm not hallucinating or delusional, just so talkative that I dont care if someone is around or not.) There are times when I can go a complete 180 with no warning at all. Like the other day, I was doing just fine and then I saw my 3 year old nephew playing with a stuffed rabbit and I had to go to the bathroom to cry because I just hated myself so much and to see something so cute as a kid playing with a cute little toy made me think that the world isnt so horrible and I should be ashamed of myself for treating everyone and everything so cynically. I know this probably doesn't make sense. Sometimes it can be some little trigger like that, sometimes I spend all afternoon to depressed to get off the couch until sunset. For some reason I always feel 10x better at night or on rainy days.

Recently, I quit school because I always felt so self-conscious around all the other students. For about a month I've felt so miserable that I've been drinking almost every night (I drank regularly before, but usually 2-3 times a week.) I started punching myself sometimes just to release frustration and sometimes just to see how hard I have to hit to make a bruise. My sleep has nearly gone down to nothing. At best I can get 5 hours in a row of sleep, sometimes I go up to 2 days without (right now I've been awake for 38 hours.) I finally ran into a point that I was gonna take my life. I was so set on it that I quit my job since I knew I wouldnt be going back. When push came to shove, I chickened out, but I'm still thinking (almost considering again) about going through with it. I'm searching for a new job on the off chance that I'll feel better again and manage to fix my own damn train wreck, but I'm close to being evicted. I wasted all of my money on video games, booze, and unnecessary groceries like plug-in air fresheners for every room when I know the rational thing to do is to stick to only getting what I need. But anytime I want something bad enough, I work out some alternate rationalization that will justify me buying something extra or treating myself.

There's a whole lot more, but I've made this post way too long already. I was seeing a shrink, but without insurance I could only get in anywhere from two weeks to a month and a half in between talk sessions. As far as drugs go, I've tried so many different anti-depressants over the years and they either do nothing or make things entirely worse. They always have to prescribe something that I can afford too because some of these pills are insanely expensive. They set me up with free samples of Cymbalta because a pharmacy would have charged over $500. I'm at my wits end, I really need some advice because if I keep spiraling down, I'm gonna die or ruin any chance of building a decent life for myself.

The first thing I would say is I am sorry you are going through this. Secondly I think you need a diagnosis, so you know what you are dealing with and in order to do this you need to see your psych and ask them what they think, not for talking therapy, but to get them to diagnose you. Is there any kind of aid you can get to help with paying for the psych and any meds you may need. It certainly sounds like something is going on and you need to know what you are dealing with. Thinking of you and sorry things are so tough.

Cracked

Do you qualify for assistance? Sounds like the antidepressants made your bipolar worse, as they tend to do. It seems like maybe you need a mood stabilizer. There are some generics that are much cheaper. Perhaps with a proper diagnosis, these might be an affordable option for you.