Where am I going?

I'll paraphrase. I was diagnosed with bipolar I rapid cycling in my first year of University, and I've just dropped out of my third and final year just before exams because the depression, the dysphoria, the delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, anger, anxiety, panic... were all getting too much. Through University I've made best friends with people and subsequently, and inadvertently destroyed those relationships as a result of my mood. Some of them haven't spoken to me in over 2 years, and don't intend to. I was 5 weeks away from finishing at one of the UK's most prestigious (ranked in the top 3) Universities when I decided to walk out of my dorm and get on a train home.

And what do I feel? Absolutely nothing. Indifference. Apathy at the massive debt incurred and nothingness at the lack of payoff. I can't see a future. It's not that I intend to kill myself, quite the opposite. I intend to carry on living, but I'm wondering how exactly one is supposed to live when you feel absolutely nothing anymore.

It is a difficult one. Do you think some of the feeling nothing is adjusting to not having the mood swings and the intense feelings that come along with that, because that can take a long time to adjust to. But you do adjust. Two thoughts come to mind. Firstly tryig to reengage some interest in life, taking up an old hobby or doing some reading on something you are interested in. Anything just to stimulate your brain. The other thing is considering therapy to get some insight into who you are and how to live as the well you. I used to be on a similar combination of meds to you and it made me fairly flat tho I would be cautious about changing meds if they have stabilised your illness. Good luck and keep posting.

Cracked

Ahh, I really miss my (former) best friend. I recently found a song that sums up how I feel about him, both in tone and lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oo1SN98JwtE

Warning, it's quite sad

That is a sad but beautiful song, thank you

Cracked

I have these visions. These 'fantasies'. I don't know. He lives more than 50 miles from where I am. I've forgotten his address. But I can imagine myself standing in his yard singing that song, hoping he'd forgive me and start talking to me again.

Do you want to talk about what happened?

Cracked