Confused. Any help really appreciated!! :)

Hi everyone!!

I'm new to this site, and I know there are probably a lot of posts similar to this, but I'd really appreciate if you guys have any help or advice for me on something that's been troubling me for a while. I'm aware it's a REALLY LONG RAMBLING POST but I just feel I've kept this all to myself for so long I need to just go for it. I would be so grateful for any help!

I'm a 17-year-old girl and I've always had suspicions that my behaviour wasn't entirely normal but just put it all down to 'teenage hormones', but in the last ten months or so my behaviour has got so worrying my friends and family have noticed and are pretty concerned.

I've had on/off problems (unknown to others) with self-harm and eating issues since I was about 14. My unhealthy relationship with food tends to follow a binge, immense guilt, self-induced vomiting, starve myself down to about 700 calories or less for a few days, then break down and binge again, feel guilty etc etc cycle. Obviously, I understand these issues are a problem and I recently got so sick of it all I went to my doctor and began seeing a counsellor. Not sure if these things are helping but they can only be a step in the right direction, surely? I was diagnosed with depression about a month ago after three weeks of a soul-destroying down, for seemingly NO reason, where I would just want to die everyday and became super irritable and reclusive. I even had sort-of 'out of body thoughts' in my head (i.e. thoughts that didn't belong to me) telling me to stab myself (it wasn't exactly 'hearing voices' but similar, I suppose) and it just got so scary I couldn't cope. I went to my doctor eventually, in tears, and put on anti-depressants as I was seen to be at risk of suicide (despite the fact that I felt I was beginning to come out of this depressed 'phase' just fine alone anyway at the time). I only took these pills for just over a week before I was told to stop immediately due to the adverse reactions I had to them.

Within a day or two of starting the medication, I became utterly (to use the term loosely) 'crazy'. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Didn't need to because I just felt so energetic. The depression vanished. Couldn't sit still, constantly jittery, just talked and talked and talked all the time to my friends and stumbled over my words as I did so, getting everything mixed up and random. Everything around me felt like it was going at three-thousand miles per hour, including my own actions and thoughts. This would sometimes elevate into paranoia - genuine fear that someone would just come and kill me in the night or something ridiculous. I would see things too. Nothing too serious, but just flashes of colours and shapes and shadows at night that I was utterly convinced were out to 'get me'. I also had weird irrational senses occasionally - like there were flies crawling on me or someone stroking my arm. The longer I took these pills, the worst it got, getting so bad that it hit a peak one weekend at a relative's party where I suddenly became deluded that it was utterly imminent that I had to call a guy I'd recently come out of a relationship with in order to tell them all sorts of ridiculous and pointless things I didn't even believe myself. Despite planning a mad speech of what I was going to say, when I called this person I just got so confused and jittery the only thing I could do was mumble and keep repeating pointless words. I utterly forget the nonsense reasons I made for calling anyway. I was walking around a car park at this point, barefoot (don't ask my why, I have NO idea), repeatedly calling this person (they'd cut me off several times) and yelling to anybody that came anywhere near me to (excuse the French) 'F*** Off!' I then turned to my cousin (who had done something to annoy me slightly, and I mean only slightly) and decided, randomly, just to punch him. I woke up the next morning, so embarrassed, and realised I needed to stop these pills.
I honestly felt at times that I'd rather just be depressed rather than like that.

I've only just come off them so this feeling still exists, but I've been told it'll fade away. The only thing that worries me is that it's not the first time I've felt like it. Granted, it's never EVER been that bad, but many of the things I experienced - lack of need for sleep (I will stay up until 3-4am writing a book, which seems a bit odd), hyperactivity, crazy whirling thoughts, talking loudly to people about stupid and sometimes inappropriate things really quickly - have happened to me for short periods of time (probably no longer than a week/week-and-a-half) before. I've yelled at people for no reason in fits of rage, I've trashed my kitchen just because I felt some invisible force inside of me sort of 'snap'. I even had a worrying incident on a bus a few months ago where I was so hyper and loud that a group of strangers angrily told me to 'shut up' and then my best friend sat me down and seriously asked me if I was 'on drugs or something'.

This also seems to be teemed with odd periods of 'normality' (although, honestly, I'm not sure what that is haha) and depression (although the most recent depressed phase was the worst I've ever had). I started noticing all these things about a year or so ago and they are progressively getting worse and worse. I've had friends recommend I see a physchiatrist (can't spell sorry!), a friend that agrees that she's noticed the behaviour change in the past year or so, and another friend mention a few days ago that he thought I was bipolar. It's been a worry of mine for weeks now because I feel like, although in comparison to some people, these symptoms may seem relatively mild, they are only getting worse with time and they NEED to be addressed. The symptoms of bipolar seem to fit me scarily but I'd feel like a complete idiot if I mentioned it to my doctor. I've heard giving anti-depressants to misdiagnosed bipolar sufferers can spark off a hypomanic/manic episode which is exactly what seemed to happen, and I feel like I need to put my mind to rest once and for all over it all. I'm terrified I'll go into another one of my crazy moments in public again because it's just so out of character and embarrassing.

BASICALLY, after all that, I just want your advice. Does having bipolar sound possible with what I've just said? And if so, how do I go about getting help? I can't just outright TELL my doctor that I think I'm bipolar - I've had enough trouble (as a teenager) being taken seriously anyway (young people faking mental illness is, apparently, a disgusting new fad), but I can't just sit through another appointment of pointless solutions for having depression when it seems CLEAR that there is more to my issue than simply feeling 'down' sometimes. I just want to feel normal for once in my life. I sort of feel like being diagnosed with bipolar or something similar would finally explain so much and, in a weird way, give me some sort of peace of mind that my behaviour has a serious label. I don't know. Any ideas? What do you think?

Thank you SO SO SO much for your time.

Hi

From what you are describing it does sound like you are on the bipolar spectrum. I would suggest you print off your post and take it to your Dr to show them and help you describe what is going on with you. I would do this sooner rather than later. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Cracked

Hi noname1310!
My heart goes out to you! You ARE a gifted writer at such a young age. You will find a way to navigate between brilliance and madness! We're all "mad hatters" here with often such similar stuggles and unique abilities. What you described definitely sounds like you are bipolar, but you also have issues with eating disorders and cutting that need medical, professional tending to, as well. The symptoms for bipolar usually begin to show up late teens, early twenties. It's sooo good that you are searching for the best path to manage the symptoms... there is no cure, but there are ways to cope with the symptoms, learn what triggers cause you to choose certain behaviors. Your instinct about the anti-depressant given, and how you freaked out... it DID send you into a manic phase. Fabulously euphoric at first, then going at 3 thousand miles per hour is flippin' exhausting over time! This is exactly what happened when a general physician prescribed prozac and sent me on my way. Those who aren't experienced in the field have no business diagnosing and prescribing medication. The quack who treated me should have done his homework and realized that a bipolar person on an anti-depressant alone will be hurled into a hypomanic/manic state without a mood stabilizer like lithium carbonate. With the help of your mom and dad, find the best psychiatrist in your town/city, preferrably someone who specializes in bipolar and eating disorders. You may be on some heavy duty meds at first because of the delusions, paranoia, and possible hallucinations, but I believe your body will adjust and you'll feel that balanced, "almost normal" feeling! I also found a certain sense of relief to know that these mood swings and "offness" are caused by biochemical imbalances in my brain. And there is treatment that will help you manage and cope with the symptoms of your condition. Once you know for sure for sure where you are on the spectrum, then learn all you can! Don't take it on as your identity, but take an intelligent step towards empowering yourself so you know what you're dealing with here... the good, bad, and the ugly! Then be determined to fight against the funky stuff and bring yourself back to reality. The meds will do their thing, but you've got to do your part and don't lose heart or give up when the path is steep. Gather those closest to you and educate them on your condition and get your life line in place. These are your peeps you can call anytime, even at 4am who'll come running should suicidal ideation, etc. start to F#@*% with your mind!! Strength and courage on your journey! You can do this! Never ever ever give up!!

Thank you both so much for your help!! I'm so glad I found a website like this where everyone can support each other!!

I'm going to try and go back to my doctor in the next week or two, but I'm just waiting a bit to see if all the craziness that the ADs caused wears off. It's not looking great though - it's been about three days or so since I stopped them (I'm not sure, all the days sort of blur into one when I feel like this) and the feeling isn't changing. I suppose it's getting worse, if anything.

I made myself go out with some friends today because I felt so manic I felt I had to do something to burn off all the anxious energy, but all I ended up doing was going to the shop and spending money on tons of food and magazines that I had no intention of eating or reading. I poured all the food on the floor of my friend's kitchen in some random frenzy, made it all into a pattern, then chucked it all in a bin. Needless to say, my friends were totally creeped out!

I don't know. Sorry for ranting. I just feel kind of like everything is going so fast and weirdly and I don't know how to make it stop. I had a massive binge earlier and feel awful about it. Self-harming is sounding pretty appealing but I'm resisting. I'm pretty sure I started hearing voices last night too. Nothing that bad - just sort of inaudible, indistinguishable whispers, maybe saying my name, I don't know. I put some music on to try and drown it out and finally got to sleep when my iPod ran out of battery at about 3am this morning.

Should I make a doctor's appointment ASAP? It's just I go back to college next week (I've been off for a month due to exam study leave) and I don't know if I can cope in this crazy state. I have to start brand new classes with brand new people and I just definitely don't want to be labelled the crazy girl who sits in a corner all jittery and anxious! Is there anything I can do to calm this all down?!

I think you sound unwell and should get to the Dr ASAP rather than waiting, esp if it is getting worse. You sound like you are tipping from hypomania into mania and I would get help quickly. Good luck and keep us posted.

Cracked

Thanks for your response!

Just a quick update, if you're interested -

The 'manic' feeling - if that's what it was - continued until last monday until I literally felt like I hit a wall and crashed. I seemed to hit the ground at a thousand miles an hour and felt utterly suicidal overnight. Words cannot describe how horrible it feels. I've been awfully low for the past two days, mood-wise, and started having really weird visions of stabbing myself. Not normal, I know. All the hopelessness and despair and lowness just seemed too much. Then i got home this evening, and had an utter breakdown because I started hallucinating and hearing music which wasn't there. Everything just seemed to build up in my mind and blur...so terrifying. I became deluded that I didn't exist and that the whole world around me wasn't real or something...

Obviously, my mum freaked when she came home to find me running around trying to find this 'music' and my, um, little psychotic breakdown caused her to get me a doctors appointment tomorrow. I'm going to try and see a psychiatrist. I think my family are taking this quite hard and i feel awful about it, but they are so supportive. I feel so blessed.

Thanks for everything.

I am sorry to hear that. Good luck with the Dr and get well soon

Cracked

Hi Noname!!
I'm definitely interested I'm so relieved for you that you now have your families' support! Seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow is your first step to wellness. Just be completely honest describing what you're experiencing so the pdoc doesn't misdiagnose you. Will be thinking of you and sending prayer bombs your way.