hi i need someone to talk to. someone just please get on

it feels like whatever i do is not enogh. it makes me so made. i don't know what's wrong w/ me. i don't care. it's so confusing. i'm 14. i know someone in my family is bipolar. no one talks about it much. my mom hates syciatrist. i hate telling anyone anything. wrighting this seems so afull. i just want to not have whatever it is i have. i don't want to have to go through getting rid of it. just disapear. die or something. someone plaese talk to me. if u don't talk now this will go away, and i won't be able to resolve it untill it comes back agien. i don't know what happening. i'm seeing things. i've been thinking i'm bopolar for a while, but wright now i don't want to believe it. please help me. how do i deside weither or not to get help. i really don't feel like talking about it. i hate it. but i need to. what if this never goes away? what if someone sees me when i can't control myself. when i start to see things and twich and get out of control. i hate telling ppl this becuase so many ppl i know say i'm exagerating. just tell me how to make it go away please. i don't care anymore. what am i supose to do.. really i just need to talk to someone. i feel absolutly alone. and i''ll be alone for forever.

i know that made no sence. i started posting here in.. jan. when my eposode was over i just comvinced myself that nothing was wrong. and i never posted in here again. i felt ashamed. b/c at that time i thought nothing was wrong. heck, just this morning i thougth nothing was wrong. my openions change so much. hmmm.. really i think the thing that's ganna happen to me is my mom will see a bad episode and feakout enough to take me to a doctor. i reeeeealy don't want that to happen, but it's the only honorable way to do it. she knows i see things sometimes. but the thing is i hate talking to my mom, and last time i talked to her i was once agien convinced that nothing was wrong. i can't make myself remeber. it's like i'm living the same dream over and over and over agien. if i tell her i need to see a docter now i think i could convince her to do it. but doing that feels like i'm faking it. i don't want to be a stupid teenager who want attention. i want to be strong. i have to deside what to do and be sure of my desision. then, i know i'm stong enough to do it. i'm sorry. i really needed to write this stuff down. it calms me. i just need to know someone is listening. and that u guys don't think i'm being a attention seeking teen. i feel like i've been ponded on so much, that all i'm doing is trying to please everyone. i feel like i want to die. but i keep telling myself, keep writing. if i've gone back and forth this many times for this long, i think i really do have it. see, i used to do things for attention alot. ALOT. when i was little. now i'd NEVER want to be that. if i ever relised nothing was wrong w/ me, that i am playing this out, i'd die. but i always end up thinking that. ........ this is so confusing.. can't it please just end. was it this hard when all of u got help? will it always be this hard? i'm just bringing everyone down.

ok, i know i'm posting three times in a row, but i'm getting somewhere here. and figuring this out means more to me then getting embarested in a forum. the one symtom of bp that never matched me was the 'dosn't think anythings wrong w/ her and dosn't want help' one. well, i thik i'm stong enough to relise that something is wrong w/ me. i mean, i keep my emoutions in check. i want to be a buddhist, and if u know about buddhism u know that it requirs disiplining the mind. i've always been like that. when i get reeeealy into why i don't want anyone to know, i get this feeling. it's like... the 'don't touch me' feeling. and feeling this brings back a memorie. when i was younger, i used to get these cramp type things in my chest. i don't realy know what they are to this day and i still have them. but i feaked out my mom b/c i told her i felt like my heart stoped and i couldn't beath. so she took me to the hospital and i was hooked up to all they're stuff for hours. long story sorry. anyway when this happened i had the same feeling. i didn't want them to look at me. to think that anything was wrong w/ me. i think i thought nothing was wrong with me so i was embaresed.

i'm sorry i really should have writen this in a my diary, but i'm out of town and i left my diary at home. my cousin who i'm staying with seems to have no paper at all. and i was freaking out. i can't go to sleep. xD ok, u don't have to read anymore rambling.[/i]

Hey Jessica

Do you remember me? I used to talk to you. I wondered where you went!!! i was actually thinking about you just the other day.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now!! And do NOT feel bad about posting 3 times!!! No problem. You're upset, and you needed to get all of that out.

I go through some of what you're going through. Like my thoughts and opinions on things are constantly changing.

Will you tell me a little bit about when you see things?

The best thing that I can tell you to do, is to tell your mom about this. I know it isn't fun to talk to her about it!! Trust me, I should know!! My mom unintentionally made me feel like crap when I told her about my "suicidial thoughts". But you really do need to talk to your mom. And this time, don't talk yourself into believe that nothing is wrong. If you're having bad problems, then you need to talk to your mom about it. And even if you don't have a mental illness, I think you still need some counseling or something like that, because you're obviously going through a hard time. And then, no one could tell you that you had over reacted, because getting counseling isn't over reacting. Just tell your mom how upset you've been lately and tell her about all of these problems that you have. If I were you, I wouldn't just come right out and say that you think it's bipolar, because then if it isn't, she may act like you overreacted. But if it is, you'll eventually find out from your doctor or therapist or whatever.

*hugs* YOu're in my prayers!!

element

I do remeber you! You were my favorite person to talk to because you understood what was happening. You didn't make me feel stupid.

I have alot of things to tell you about my mom. She believes that it's easy to be happy. She dose think counseling is over reacting. She dosn't understand at all what is happening to me. When I talk to her about it, her responce is always that i am making it up, or that i need to try harder to be happy. She dosn't say it like that. We argue untill what she really thinks comes out.

Well, when I'm telling her this stuff, I'm not having an episode (I know I shouldn't think I'm bipolar, but an 'episode' is the only was to discribe them). When i talk to her, I'm not having an episode so I'm not fully convinced it's really. I forget how bad it is. I almost talked to her tonight, but she was waaay to stressed out to deal w/ it then. My mom already knows basicly everything she needs to know. But, i havn't really made a case of why I need to see a doctor, because agian when I talk to her I'm not fully convinced i do.

You wanted to know more about me seeing things? Well, your in luck. Usualy I come on here when I know something is wrong, but I don't remeber the episodes to well. But I just had one. That's why I was going to speak to my mom tonight. Today was the worst day I've ever had in terms of this going crazy thing. But, I luarned alot. I luarned that I change alot in a day. Five times maybe today. And, if it is bipolar, I think it's cuase I'm young. When I look it up on google, it says rapid cycling is more common in chidren and teens.

I just had a mania episode. I see things when I'm in mania, well not in hypomania, and in depression. But in depression i really don't care. In mania... alright. I'm going to stop trying to discribe all my episods, and discribe this one. It started when I was in the car. I felt sooo happy at first. I love it when that happens. I feel smart, funney, and like whatever happens I will always be happy. I think I can always reach down inside me and pull this out. But, I just figured out, I can't. I started getting agitated with my mom. Well, everyone. Just my mom can complain alot, so she was the one saying anything at the time. I just wanted to sceam at her SHUT UP! I couldn't take it. I wanted to be alone. Forever. I started seeing things. It's like.. all the scary creatures I've seen in movies, I think they're here, and they're in the shadows watching me. I see tham grab my leg, or someother part of me. Sometimes, though it didn't happen this time, i have delusions. i thougtht my sister was trying to kill me yesterday. I had to sleep in the same bed as her that night too. It was not plasent. I waited till it went away to go to sleep. I've had some wierd delusions. I though my best friend (i think i'm in love w/ him another story though) was taken underground, and it was my fault. I still have that one when I'm in depression. I dig and dig, seaching for him. I mostly have delusions during depression. Anyway, when I see them, I stwich. My hand stwiches, and when something scares me my body will jump. I have to many thoughts. Sometimes, in mania, i just jump up and down pulling at my hair. I basicly have a tantrum, just to release all the energy. I've doon that for years. I never really thought of that.

Sorry everything's unorginized. I'm out of mania now. But i was when i started this post. I'm probebly not really out, just pretending. I try to ignore them (the things i see), but it dosn't help. They always come back. ummm... i cut when I'm in mania. My mom knows. She thinks i cut because of the depression, or to her 'the depression i think i have'. Cutting is like when i have my 2 second tantrums. It releases energy. It makes me feel in control.

It's getting worse everyday. I don't just think this when I'm in episods. I'd rather die then have these again. But I know I'll have them when I wake up. I can't do this anymore. I give up. Something's going to happen. I'm not living like this anymore. When I see this logicly, or as logicly as I can be, what with me going crazy, i think I will die. I don't want it to be true, but if i do die it's my mom's falt. she knows. i guess anyway can make the mistake. i'm sorry i said that. i can't even figue this out, how do i expect her to. i don't know what i'm thinking. i have no idea what is real anymore. I can't do it.

hey if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm online all the time, just hit me up on aim or msn.

Don't die!! It's not a good idea!!!

I'm glad that you liked talking to me.

I know what you mean about having bad mood swings. You know that at first I thought I was bipolar, and then I just thought I was depressed, and now I think I may be bipolar again. who knows? I won't be able to find out though.

I really wish you could just somehow convince your mom. I think maybe she just doesn't want to accept that you're having problems. My parents don't want to accept mine, and if I told them all of it, Gah!! They'd flip out. But they would still try to mentally make it not as bad as it really is. Either that or they'd get angry or sad and embarrass me.

Maybe you could talk to someone else, and then have them go with you to talk to your mom. Just find someone that will believe you.

~element

*hugs and best wishes*

someone who'll beleive me. a perfect way to discirbe it. i went to my conceler, a fwew months ago. i told her alot of stuff. mostly i just went there when i was having them in school. i told the conceler she could tell my parents, and she talked to my mom. but, the conceler didn't beleive me either. i don't blame her. if i could walk to the conceler chances were i was not having an episode. i talked to her like it was something apart from me. which it is. i didn't think i was bipolar then. so you know, i told her i was seeing things. but.. really i just couldn't be around my friends then. after my mom told me seeing a doctor wouldn't happen, i went back to the conceler one more time. i told her i cut and was anorexic. true, but not the whole story. she talked to my parents agian. it didn't work.

then, about a month and a half ago, i skipped school. well, i was in depression, and i had a plain to die at my friends house. i was sleeping over at her house, and she didn't know what was going to happen. but Kairi, my friend, she knows more about me then most people. she saw things too. but mostly she has delusions though. i can really relate to her. We had this notebook in school where we would talk about the stuff we saw or thought was real. she sees people dieing. so, u could imagine the book is preety grusome. i wrote in there when i didn't know what was going on. it was important that i didn't have to keep it all locked away at school. kairi's mom had left for the day, so we were just going to stay home. before she came home we were going to hang out in this place by the bus stop. well, the one day we skipped, they found our notebook. they thought we had a suiside pack. we still laugh about that. in the book we swor to HELP eachother get over this. it didn't mean we were going to die. if anything, kairi was keeping me from dieing.

After that my mom took my probeblems more siriously. if i just talk to her about it all again, i could get her to take me to the doctor. but... you see when my parents found out i was a diferent religion than them, we had a horible talk. well, like 3 over a few years. and this feels like the same thing. exept no one's on my side. kairi dosn't want me to get help. i don't like doctors. i don't want to have to g othrough all that crap alone. i definitly can't do it while trying to confince my mom i need to be there the whole time.

I really wish you would talk to your mom again. You aren't in this alone. I'm here for you. I know it isn't the same, but I hope that does help. I relaly wish you could just get help. I 'm worried about you. You're just going to keep convincing yourself that nothing is wrong, and then you're going to get worse. Please convince your mom to take you to the doctor.

~element

I'm new to this forum but I felt compelled to respond to your posts.
I'm diagnosed bipolar I.

I empathize with your pain. It's clear that somehow people aren't
understanding the serious nature of what you are experiancing.

If I were you, I wouldn't get stuck on what diagnosis I have.
Clearly there is something going on, but it may not be bipolar -
there are many possible diagnosis.
But, you MUST seek out a well respected psychiatrist/ psychologist right away! One way to do this in your situation is to look in your
phone book for the local Mental Health center. Call and tell them you need to speak to someone who can refer you to a psychologist in your area. Then you can explain that your mom will not take you to see a psychologist even though you have been trying to get help for a long time. Tell them this is SERIOUS. Tell them you need a referral to both a psychiatrist and psychologist.
Ask them about resources for minors whose parents aren't willing to help with this.
I wish you well. peace,
Rebecca