On and off meds

Without meds I miss how strong I can be and how big my wall can be up for no one to hurt me, but on the same hand I leave people broken in my path of being destructive. I love the feeling of not needing to sleep or also on the other side the feeling of being so sad that it makes me feel in touch with everything around me. The meds make you sleepy and like a zombie, dont get me wrong I love zombie moves just don't want to be one. I also wonder if we are bipolar for a reason seams like I can handle the worst $#%^ when my wall is up. I just felt like ranting sorry.

Meds make you feel like crap the first few weeks. If you go off and on them, then you will always feel like crap because you are always in those first few weeks. Bite the bullet and stick with what's prescribed and like when you have a headache, you'll be living your life and realize "hey!I'm me." So you can live all miserable forever or just get on with life and take your meds...BUT if after a month you feel like a zombie, sleepy or have brain fog, work with your doctor to fix it.

I've had these thoughts too, actually.
I miss the primal feeling of it all. Radical ups, where no one can touch you! Where you can literally take on the world! Where every little thing you do is the most amazing thing in the world, because you had done it! Where you can laugh, hahahahahahaha!, at those who try to put you down because it is impossible!
But I don't miss the downs. My downs end up with me so anxious because I'm so close to suicide or at least think I am. I have mini-panic attacks, sleep over fifteen hours a night/day, seperate myself completely from my family/friends/coworkers, can't get dressed or showered because I have so little energy.....ect.
After my last down, I realized it wasn't worth it. The ups were not worth wallowing in the downs.
What do they have you on? Lamictal doesn't make me zombied, though they do make you take it in aggravatingly slow dosages due to the rash it can inflict. Until the Lamictal kicks in, I have to be zombied out on Seroquel XR; though that zombie feeling only kicks in at night (bedtime) and in the very early morning. It generally fades as the day progresses, and I have finally felt normal. Normal is definitely empowering all by itself, because you can realize your own limitations and get through a day feeling accomplished instead of distracted or down.
Anywho, I hope things get better for you. Try to keep with your meds for now. The side effects, unless really severe, are worth it in the long run.

I have been off here for a little bit trying to fix myself. Two weeks ago I started yelling at a store owner and left ready to kick ass and realized I would rather be dead then hurt someone else. I tried to leave my wife and dipped into a big depression did not talk for days. I am now working with a doc and in the processes of getting back up to 400mg of Lithium a day. As for the rest of my life it is all messed up know one wants to deal with me and I just dont think being married is helping me any cause I am reminded how bad it sucks to live with me daily.