my ups are more dangerous than my downs

ok so i have entered that godly beautiful surreal mania that overwhelms me with joy of life and my surroundings. i am talking to people i don't know and joking with customers at work and asking women out on dates and i feel like i'm on fire! like NBA JAM style! I JUST CAN:T MISS! but then i do things like just walk out into the street laughing saying, "get out of my way you car!" and my friend had to pull me back because i just was walking into a heavily trafficked street. (i live on a major street in a major city). i climbed up this apartment building. i was climbing all over my porch. i was riding my bike without hands and howling the whole way home from work. i also seem to be most suicidal when i am up and not down. (anyone else have this?) i am experiencing some auditory hallucinations and maybe mild visuals. i started laughing at work today. just giggling. i just feel so good i start smiling and i think thats funny so it makes me laugh. I LOVE IT! i did a lot of dancing and singing tonight in the rain. it was awesome! its hard to distinguish the lust for life from the bad ideas because i believe sometimes enjoying life means doing things that are stupid or bad ideas. life should be a little risky right? is it normal for the ups to be the scary part?

My ups arent that up. I getthe laughing though. I do that quite often, just laugh for no reason as something strikes me as absurd and it is just too hard to explain to people why I am laughing, because they probably wont think its as funny as I do. Dancing and singing in the rain- well, maybe not singing, but if I get euphoric I do a lot of skipping and dancing, etc. The rest, not me at all. But I do find it scarier, not because of euphoria stuff, but because I get dysphoric and feel like a volcano about to explode and am always on edge. It's scary how much I can rage, how easily I can go off, how I physically feel. Depression by comparison is comforting. I mean, it sucks royally to be sad for no reason and want to cry in the middle of the gym, but its better than being scared that you are finally going to really really snap!

My ups are definitely the scary part for me.

Not because of euphoria, but my bipolar apparently triggers major ocd and paranoia (that is obvious but not horrible usually).

It's been a month since my mood evened out, and I'm still terrified of going back up...

it also triggers some serious paranoia in me. and a bit of ocd. my euphoria turns dysphoric as soon as i think other people think its "crazy" i used to get extremely paranoid in grocery stores and malls and steal things and do weird things like rearranging the various boxes of macaroni and cheese by color into a pyramid pattern. i make lots of patterns when i'm stressed. at bars i frequently take everyone's drinks and coasters to create a pentagram. sometimes when i am feeling really intense and won't sleep i'll rearrange all the junk in my living room into an empowering pattern.
i've been thinking lately that my ups make me pretty hard to deal with socially. my downs don't seem to be as bad as most people. i sleep well and i function fine i just feel kind of generally bummed when i'm "depressed." is there such a thing as unipolar mania? or is it just that its a spectrum and i should feel lucky that my lows aren't as low as my highs are high?

think I have heard of people getting just mania. My lows are not usually as low as my highs. Mild depression. Liek you, I just feel kind of bummed, sad underneath, but I can participate in life, even enjoy myself. I think I go more atypical depressive, which means you can have some lift when good things happen to you. Anyhow, OCD...I get the O, but not the C, usually. I have thoughts that just go over and over again in my brain and dont leave. I try to get rid of them but it can be difficult. A good time, I may, say, replay a phone number in my head over and over for 10 min straight. A bad episode is rethinking about an event for days at a time replaying it in my head over and over throughout the day. Totally sucks.

i just was talking to an ex about this and she reminded me that there have been a number of times where i couldn't even make myself get out of bed. so maybe i do get that way...

selective memory??

i really need to journal.

I mostly get the "O" of OCD, too, with the 'intrusive thoughts'.

My ups and downs are all pretty extreme... But there is a version with a more mild depression that I read about...

cyclothymia. But cyclothymia doesnt get the hypo's usually, or get them very mild. I am probably usually at that level depression wise, but I have had major depressions, and I get far too hypo to qualify for that.

bipolaruniverse wrote:ok so i have entered that godly beautiful surreal mania that overwhelms me with joy of life and my surroundings. i am talking to people i don't know and joking with customers at work and asking women out on dates and i feel like i'm on fire! like NBA JAM style! I JUST CAN:T MISS! but then i do things like just walk out into the street laughing saying, "get out of my way you car!" and my friend had to pull me back because i just was walking into a heavily trafficked street. (i live on a major street in a major city). i climbed up this apartment building. i was climbing all over my porch. i was riding my bike without hands and howling the whole way home from work. i also seem to be most suicidal when i am up and not down. (anyone else have this?) i am experiencing some auditory hallucinations and maybe mild visuals. i started laughing at work today. just giggling. i just feel so good i start smiling and i think thats funny so it makes me laugh. I LOVE IT! i did a lot of dancing and singing tonight in the rain. it was awesome! its hard to distinguish the lust for life from the bad ideas because i believe sometimes enjoying life means doing things that are stupid or bad ideas. life should be a little risky right? is it normal for the ups to be the scary part?

I think my ups are way more dangerous than my downs.
But being down can kill you from boredom if nothing else.

update:

i have been working and back in school and managing it all well. i have very little free time between school, work, and 3+ weekly band practices. i quit getting drunk and i smoke pot almost every night before going to sleep to ensure that i will fall asleep. since i've been doing this i haven't had any nights where i stayed up all night getting crazy and getting worse the next day. i've been biking tons and getting a good amount of physical exercise. i haven't had a manic or depressive episode of any kind i am pretty sure for at least a month. staying this busy wears me out and i wish i had more free time but i feel i am at my most sane and in control.