ugh sinking....

Yes, after about 2.5 weeks of being hypo, and the crappy type, I start progesterone AGAIN for some womenly issues. woohoo. Not. Last time it sunk me way low, but I was already depressed. This time, I was hoping sinc eI was hypo it wouldnt be so bad, but oh no, woke up feeling down, and was thinking while driving my son to school about carving myself up. Not that I want to actually do that, its more of a dark fantasy that I get sometimes. Although, yesterday before I started the progesterone, i was already havign thoughts about hating life popping into my head, which tends to happen when I am depressed, so maybe i was already on the way down.

This is so frustrating. Go back to the pdoc tomorrow. I guess I get to inform him that the meds are not working yet. I have managed to cycle from critically depressed with a 2-3 day interlude of obvious hypomania, back to depressed, to hypomanic again, and looks like possibly back down, since the end of Feb, beginning of March. I am not sure I have had a "normal" day within this time period. And that seems to be the case with me over the last year-year and a half. I seem to wonder where this normal cycle bipolar people get is, because I dont seem to get it. I have days where I am less hypo or less depressed, but then the day after I am right back where I was. I also sort of wonde rif I am a rapid cycler. At the very least I am close but no cigar with 3 cycles per year (still above average from what I have read) but I think I may have as many as 5-6 per year, usually with shorter depressions and longer hypomanias, although this last time was opposite.

was feeling a tad better for a moment, but now just have an underlying grumpiness with some anxiety.

At least you have a why.
I'm all weird groggy-floaty-odd and have no idea why.

I so love when I'm some state for no good reason.
YEAH! ::anime victory stance::
((Have you detected the sarcasm yet?))

SmileXx wrote:At least you have a why.
I'm all weird groggy-floaty-odd and have no idea why.

I so love when I'm some state for no good reason.
YEAH! ::anime victory stance::
((Have you detected the sarcasm yet?))

Very much so. And I know the groggy-floaty-odd sort of stuff. Especially the floaty. Seems to happen to me in the grocery store all the time now. I stand looking at the food, needing to pick something and I am all dream like and am looking at things yet comprehending nothing I am seeing. Then my eyes go all darty and I see it all, but cant focus on anyone thing for more than a split second. Makes shopping really difficult.

I'm suffering from derealization, I think.
Nothing feels real.
There is no reality.

I know that there is a reality.
But I don't feel real, and neither does anything around me.

I'm basically living life on auto-pilot right now.

That sucks. I know when I get into a "present moment awareness" state, by comparison everything else ever has felt surreal, but usually it feels real. However, I have gotten into those states for brief bits, one in particular when I was depressed and I was walkign back to my house from a friends to change into jeans, and it literally felt like I was dreaming, everything was foggy, and like I was moving very slowly- like when you have dreams when you try to run but you go in slow mo? Thats what it felt like walking. Like slow motion. It was bizarre as heck. Is that what you are talking about?

It's been like looking at life through a fog.
Things change, and I don't think everyone sees them.
Seriously, I was aware of my car melting into the pavement last night.
It was like there was quicksand right under the back tires.

Now, I got up and got in my car and came to work this morning, so it's obvious that it did not sink into the pavement.
But that's one of the oddities about my auto-pilot.
I hallucinate things.

At least I don't say things to people about them.
They'd lock me up, write me off and label me gone.

I don't know what to think about hallucinations. My logical side says one thing, my spiritual and side that loves quantum physics another. I have never hallucinated liek you described without the use of acid, but since so many people have had spiritual experieinces while doing so and the nature of soem hallucinations lead me to believe it is possible that hallucinations are truly tapping into other dimensions or the quantum world. However, the logical side of myself says the nature of other hallucinations (liek when people hearvoices telling them to kill themselves) is probably not related to that at all. I mean on a quantum level, there are no solids, nothing is solid, so a carsinking into the ground in soem ways seems to follow that line of thought. Yet, obviously on a macro level, that just isn't how the world operates.

I overthink sometimes, I think. It's just, well, I have heard say radio voices and felt presences, and seen shadow figures, all things which some people may say is hallucinating. Yet, I have friends who have no mental illnesses who have experienced the same and owe it to another spiritual dimension, which I fullheartedly believed, until I was diagnosed bipolar and then it was confusing as to what I experienced.

I'm pagan.
I've totally seen ghosts and apparitions and things that people would call me crazy for seeing...
But there is a difference between an interdimentional encounter with your long dead great aunt and a car sinking in the pavement...

I can tell the difference between "you're hallucinating" and "you're having a pagan moment" as the pagan moments at least have meaning and don't just skew my whole perception of the world.
I was definitely hallucinating last night... not great, but it could be worse.

Oh no, I definitely think there is a difference. I mean, I have seen ghosts. I know they were real, 100%, particularly because in one instance, my mother and brother had seen it as well (our dead cat). I dont think I got what I was tryign to say across right. hmmm. I guess its more, what if some people have the ability to see things as the truly exist on a quantum level? Where reason makes no sense? Like people who take acid...my experience my face melted, the floor was "breathing" nothing was still. Well, on a quantum level, thats sort of what is happening. Solid things are in a state of motion. They arent solid as we normally percieve them, they aren't static. The quantum particles that make them up are moving, vibrating, constantly in a state of flux. In actuality when you touch soemthing, your particles are intermixing with the particles of the thing you touched, but our perceptions view things on the macro level which has a different set of laws, laws that make sense, than what the micro level does. Now, that isn't to say seeing a car sinking into the ground is natural, or that we should see things like that(because lets face it, we live in the macro world of this dimension, so its the one we should see). Only that perhaps the brain chemistry of people with certain disorders may tap into sensory fields that normal people cannot. So rather than seeing something that is an illusion, the person is seeing something that the grand majority of people are unable to see, but on some level is reality.

Does that make sense? Its just one of my super odd theories. I justthink this world is too complex and not explained properly by our sensory perceptions. So much is going on that we cannot see!