I don't feel real anymore

Hey all,
Recently I have been drifting further and further out of reality. I can't understand why I feel this way..to try to describe it yesterday I was walking around as if there was a milky, filmy bubble that surrounds me cutting off my contact with the real world..stopping me from connecting with those around me. I stopped taking my meds for two days, that definitely had something to do with it but I just hate them. Lamictal is making me lose my hair and I can't stand it. I am only 22 and used to have the thickest and curliest hair, now my receding hair line is as big as my 65 year old psychiatrist's. These last few days I have felt like I am melting into the surroundings, like I am just an apparition. I was riding my bike to campus and I was almost hit by a car while riding through an intersection..the driver was looking at me like I wasn't even there, I felt like I wasn't actually visible, I am translucent (it wasn't night). I am starting to wonder if I go through two year long cycles while rapidly cycling through out those years day by day. Two years ago I was the most depressed I have ever been and ended up in the hospital two years ago to the day. I thought I would never go through that again, because after that I went on meds for the first time and felt the best I have in my entire life. This year is starting to look so much like 07-08 for me, being contained in an unbreakable bubble. I feel like it is the exact same thing I am going through again. I haven't had the physical symptoms of depression/mania since that horrible year, but I did yesterday..so fatigued I felt like I couldn't move. It took me 2 hours to move out of a chair so I could leave my apartment. I haven't talked to any of my real good friends that have moved away in a few months, I feel like I am going to lose their friendship. Last Sunday I betrayed one of my best friends trust so horribly that I know our friendship will never be the same again, that has put me in a helluva funk for the last week. I started to write in my feeling out in my sketch pad, it only helps minimally. Hopefully someone can just give me kind words of encouragement. Thanks for reading this post.

,mb

To me, it sounds as if you are at the top of what could be a long downward spiral. that's why you have to sort this stuff out soon, right? You shouldn't have stopped taking the meds - and you know this - so just start taking them again and arrange an appointment with your doctor. Read the laeflet that came with them too. If your side-effects are listed on it, then take the necessary action as written on the leaflet. you know, I've been in a psychiatric hospital and I've been foolish enough to suddenly stop my meds too. It was the worst feeling I have ever experienced. There was no physical pain, but the mental pain was so much that I felt like calling an ambulace. Drugs are powerful so do'nt mess with them.

Write out your symptoms too and then list them out to your doctor the next time you see him/her. What I think mostly happens is that the doctor doesn't get the full picture about the patient because he/she [the patient] isn't always clear about their problem.

It's about 'straightening' your life out... ...right now you seem erratic :S Get things done consistently and efficiently. Don't leave things to chance anymore and be proactive.

Kevin

Thanks Kevin,
It does feel like I'm spiraling downward and I know that. I started taking my meds again and I am almost done with this semester. So hopefully both of those together will help me break out of my 'winter blues' and enjoy the day again. I just feel like I am this way every spring and I want to know why will it not change? My guess is that is a rhetorical question and I must realize the my predisposition for crazy exciting mania to melting away depression is something that I can only marginally control. I just need to be more prepared and understanding of my position in life due to this. I do feel much better and can only hope it stays this way

Thanks,
mb

I never feel real anymore.
Sometimes I think I am for a little while, but that feeling always fades faster than it comes.
Today I feel so imaginary I want to crawl undera rock and pretend that I'm not even imaginary anymore.

I hate being depressed...
I took my vitamins this morning, which tend to help me be happy.... (amino acid trickery)
But I'm so down.. I just don't want to exist ever again....

Point is, I know how it feels to not feel real...
And I'm sorry you feel that way.
I hope you pull out of it.
You deserve to.

mbtomorrow wrote:Thanks Kevin,
It does feel like I'm spiraling downward and I know that. I started taking my meds again and I am almost done with this semester. So hopefully both of those together will help me break out of my 'winter blues' and enjoy the day again. I just feel like I am this way every spring and I want to know why will it not change? My guess is that is a rhetorical question and I must realize the my predisposition for crazy exciting mania to melting away depression is something that I can only marginally control. I just need to be more prepared and understanding of my position in life due to this. I do feel much better and can only hope it stays this way

Thanks,
mb

Thanks for coming back, mb. What happened to that friend who's trust you felt you had betrayed two sundays ago?

Kevin