Trying to figure out why...

So for the past year, I've been seeing a therapist for my mental behavior. I'm 23 and I've graduated from college for web design and things are getting worse. I know more responsibility comes with being on your own, but I know that I can do way better than what I'm doing now.

Here's the life snapshot from in college, to out of college.

In college, a few months before graduation:
I was working internship for at least 6 hours a day and going to school at night. Had mad work to do, but I'm really good in web design, so things came really easy. Just for some reason though, I've always had trouble concentrating and getting things done. I've tried the GTD system by David Allen for about a year by then, but things haven't improved. I've even tried just a regular to-do list, and nothing was working. I was always worrying about homework, regular work, freelancing, and paying my utility bills. So at times I was a bit happy, and then minutes later, I'm talking about committing suicide. So I started seeing a therapist about it because all of the people, family and friends I knew got tired of me talking about it.

After college, basically right now:
So now I'm working fulltime at my intern job, making 33k a year as a web designer. I thought things would get better because I don't have that triple threat no more of 9-5/freelancing/school. Sad enough, things are worse. My money, time and task management skills are still terrible. I try so hard to improve, but things won't get any better. I still flip out a lot about things, and I'm still either depressed or I worry a lot about things I shouldn't worry about. I still have bad concentration and I procrastinate on the most serious of things such as freelance/9-5 deadlines. My bills are at an alltime high, and also rent is included in the mix. So now I lose more than I make even though in my budget I make 25% more than I lose. So many things race in my head, and I can't think about doing things that I have to do. I'm always sidetracked and I don't know what to do. I'm still going to therapy, I've been taking Lexapro for a while and that works, but I always forget to take the damn pill.

I feel like I need like an army Sargent to beat my ass when I'm not doing things right because that's what I grew up on (not being in the army, but my stepdad and mom beating me and yelling at me for everything little thing I've done wrong, or right sometimes.)

So what should I do? Think I should bring up bipolar and generalized anxiety disorder or something similar to bipolar to my therapist or let them do their job and find out on their own.

Also any life tips I should take on such as task, money, or time management, how to deal with major 5 minute mood swings, etc.

Thanks

Hi,

I actually think that you'd find more worth looking up things such as OCD and Asperger's Syndrome, rather than Bipolar. Your behaviour just seems similar to mine, and I have both OCD and Asperger's. Peculiarily, I also took Lexapro for around 4 years. Anyway, I am going to give you some pointers that I believe will help you: To stay on top of all of the bills, create a filing system for receipts, official letters, etc - and make sure to keep EVERY credit card receipt so that you can check them off against the bill when it arrives. You should also try to make lists of things that you need to get done. Each night here, I create a written list of tasks that I need to get done the following day. If I didn't do this, then I'd be lost, as you seem to be now.

Kevin

Chucky wrote:Hi,

I actually think that you'd find more worth looking up things such as OCD and Asperger's Syndrome, rather than Bipolar. Your behaviour just seems similar to mine, and I have both OCD and Asperger's. Peculiarily, I also took Lexapro for around 4 years. Anyway, I am going to give you some pointers that I believe will help you: To stay on top of all of the bills, create a filing system for receipts, official letters, etc - and make sure to keep EVERY credit card receipt so that you can check them off against the bill when it arrives. You should also try to make lists of things that you need to get done. Each night here, I create a written list of tasks that I need to get done the following day. If I didn't do this, then I'd be lost, as you seem to be now.

Kevin

Kevin,

Thanks for the advice. My therapist was also looking at OCD as one of the culprits also. I'm a very organized person, but I just can't take action to DO the things because I either lose concentration, dedication, or motivation to do these things because I worry that I can't either trust them or something will go wrong. Like I always think about I want to do these things and try to gain motivation on my own, but when it's time to DO these things, I either get off track or just don't have enough motivation to pull it off, such as keeping up with my lists every night.

Ive been trying to GTD and/or keep up with lists for years, and there hasn't been much success with doing the lists. I even teach people to do lists and GTD, but I can't never follow my own advice. I'm always thinking negative about things and sometimes I just don't either want to do it because I feel helpless or I when I do start on it, I never finish because I lose concentration.

Luckily, I don't have any credit cards, but on the bad side, that means I really have a bad spending habit or can't get my priorities straight on what I need to buy and what I want to buy. For example, last week, I purchased a netbook (really small notebook). I thought it would help me out for like client meetings to take notes, GTD on it when I'm mobile, etc, but it now looks like I could had went a couple more weeks without it because now my phone is cut off with $400 due on it.

So its also hard for me to make decisions on my own unless I consult with 80 people, but then I mess up again because in some situations, 80 people will tell me the same advice for a certain thing but I never follow those 80 people, and then when that situation happens and I mess up, I knew I should of taken those 80 people advice (not really 80 people, but thats how it feels like when I mess up). I do this all the time because again, its hard to decide on my own. I decide better when I'm on Lexapro for some odd reason. I guess that means the pill work. Like it blocks my brain from thinking about the negatives so much and help me better weigh out my options and make a better decision.

Thanks again.

You have too much going on at the same time dude, and you're wasting money - Try your best to become ordered. You might also consider removing some of these 'layers' that you have around you. For example, if you've more than one credit card, then for God's sake get rid of them. You only need one, and 'needing' that one is questionable in itself. If you've subscriptions to TV channels that you never watch, then get rid of them. If you buy a lot of food but it ends up going out of date, then write out a list of what you KNOW you eat, and always buy less than you need.

Chucky wrote:You have too much going on at the same time dude, and you're wasting money - Try your best to become ordered. You might also consider removing some of these 'layers' that you have around you. For example, if you've more than one credit card, then for God's sake get rid of them. You only need one, and 'needing' that one is questionable in itself. If you've subscriptions to TV channels that you never watch, then get rid of them. If you buy a lot of food but it ends up going out of date, then write out a list of what you KNOW you eat, and always buy less than you need.

I'm already trying that route too. LOL... I'm telling you, my situation is so messed up. Only have one debit card, no credit cards in my life. For Comcast cable/internet, all I have is internet (a must since I'm a freelance web designer), and I have the most basic channels you can get, almost have none at all (i watch everything on hulu or dvd), so thats $70/month. Food wise, I do a shopping list (the only thing I can get a hang off for some odd reason), so I only buy food that I need.

I've even had the Chief Executive of Sales at my job help me with my budget, and he says that I'm spending money on dumb stuff because I should have $400 left (out of $1078 every two weeks). So now I'm super behind on bills because of the wreckless spending. Again a billion people give me the same advice, but for some reason, nothing clicks.

Now I have a theory. When I was a kid, again I had those 'militant' parents. So if I did some wrong, even as simple as mop the floor wrong, I was yelled at, beaten, stomped in a corner, etc. So maybe the only way I can learn stuff is in a militant way. But all my loved ones now say people will not do that and that I have to learn this stuff on my own. Its been 6 years that I've been on my own, and still no change. Which is why I went to the mental behavior health place to get therapy because I know its not because I'm dumb, or lack discipline, but something is not clicking in my head.

Now we know that its either some general anxiety disorder (I always think negative about everything, make super bad decisions (even after I spend up to weeks thinking about the decision), and I'm tired of it. I'm always depressed about it, and have a lot of suicide thoughts (been having thoughts since 12, had numerous tries at hurting myself such as trying to overdose on codeine, pills, reckless street crossing on busy streets, getting into random altercations for no apparent reason, burning myself, hanging, cutting myself, etc). I've even worshipped the devil at the age of 12 (rebellion against my strict christian parents) for quite some time and I'm still quite in the free agency of the religion arena. I believe in higher power, but I'm just not interested.

I know it stems from my bad childhood that now I'm so screwed in the head. I know about a lot of successful people with these conditions, and in public, they look ok, but in private, they are screwed in the head (ex: Jim Carrey, DMX...uhh I take that back).

So I think trying to learn more on disciplining myself on regular life stuff won't work much, but more of some type of mental help. I'm still trying meds, and that helps when I have them, and when I remember to take them.

Thanks for the help. At least you understand. Most of my friends gave up because they say I complain about my "mental" stuff too much and think I'm just lazy and self diagnosing myself thru wikipedia, but when you know that you try so hard to improve, but nothing works, I have to try alternate options.

Hi,

Oddly enough, I was just aout to say that you are focussing too much on mental stuff, and this time should be better 'spent' (pun intended) on sortng out your debts. HOWEVER, I recently moved out of my parent's house and I can understand how difficult it can be to sort the official side of things out, such as letting agreemens, bills, etc. In fact, at the moment, my parents are still doing it for me. I feel quite sad about my future right now - in fact - because I don't think that I'll be able to cope.

... ...oh and yeh, I understand you.

Kevin

True, I'm already trying to sort out my budget. I have four notifications to remind me: on my phone, computer, refrigerator door, and across the toilet on the wall. I will try my best to do my budget today, but I bet that I will either forget it or don't have the motivation to do it. Then when I get paid, I will probably spend my money on something stupid again, and forget not to do that.

Which 'stupid' things have you bought? I think that if yo list them, you'll be more likely to remember not to buy such things again. i used to be spend-thrift too, but no way am I now in the recession.