Never felt this way before.

It's scary to think I've never felt this way before. I had learned the signs and what to watch for.

I never before understood how mania led to inpatient. Or how anyone could even consider it voluntarily.

Until I did. I sat on my back stoop and imagined what it would be like. I've known people who have been through it helped my husband through a vacation like that. I pondered how my time would be spent. What I would do missing my babies.

But that sounded better than making that one bad decision that would push me over the edge. What would that be? Cutting? Suicide? Infidelity? Running up debt? And God forbid my children got hurt. But it was still another 2 days before I got help. And it kept building.

My bones were vibrating inside my body. My mind racing so bad I couldn't eat or sleep and just needed it to stop before those bad decisions were made.

So here I am with a sedated body, racing thoughts, still haven't really talked to a professional more than a few minutes about this.