do you think about your therapist?

So... something that has been on my mind lately. For those in therapy: do you think of your therapist? Sometimes i feel a bit obsessed and it's uncomfortable. Part of it is the nature of our work. It's a type of treatment focused on building a relationship with him or her... safety and trust and all that. The therapist "shows up" as a full human being.

Sometimes I feel its unfair that my T knows every dark piece of me and I know very little about him. Im aware this has a purpose: so that the session and treatment is not cluttered with his own BS and personal drama. My god, even saying he has drama in his life is hard for me. Like I'm missing out...

I once thought I was in love or had a crush or something. But its really just a kind of warmth that i feel for him. That makes a lot more sense to me as reality.

Generally, I try so hard not to let it get to me.. it doesn't serve me well. He said he thinks about me and hopes i do too... this was so hard and sweet to hear. Im sure he means in a professional sense... like... "oh! maybe this will be good for a session for treatment with Son." I don't think he's pining over me at all. But... it's hard.

I could go on, its an ever evolving issue. But I'm curious about whether or not anyone else goes through this?? I think this causes em some amount of pain that i try hard to avoid.

I find female therapists to be more empathic and understanding and male therapists to be more objective and logical about issues. If you develop feelings for them, you should consider finding a new one honestly. I don't think it will be as helpful. This is why it can be helpful to have a therapist of the sex you're not interested in. They are not there to be your lover or friend, but to help you with your issues.

I've always viewed my therapist as more of a friend than an actual therapist. He's smart and listens to me and gives me advice, but during our sessions, I feel like I'm hanging out with someone, and while yes, it is therapeutic, it's a good relationship. I don't see him all that often anymore because I don't have anywhere near the amount of problems I used to. Two years in, when I was at the darkest point of my life, it was every week. One time I saw him on a Thursday and was back in the following Monday. I see him every few months now, sometimes I do cancel an appointment (always for a legitimate reason), but sometimes I don't re-schedule to see him as soon as possible. Sometimes I cancel because of a family emergency, and schedule to see him again three or four weeks later. I've been seeing him for six years now. About four years in, we started to really space out the appointments because I was stabilizing and getting into the grove of adult life. No more sex crazed stuff, no more med changes, still some anxiety (which is why I still see him), no more hearing or seeing things that aren't there.

z7z wrote:I find female therapists to be more empathic and understanding and male therapists to be more objective and logical about issues. If you develop feelings for them, you should consider finding a new one honestly. I don't think it will be as helpful. This is why it can be helpful to have a therapist of the sex you're not interested in. They are not there to be your lover or friend, but to help you with your issues.

Thanks for the response zZz. But that's kind of my point... I don't have romantic feelings for him and it's not a friendship. We have boundaries in place. It's just the nature of our work to push against what's comfortable. And that keeps me in a place of reflecting on the nature of it. I have a lot of issues with splitting...a big part of why I have BPD features. I often idealize someone in my life,and they rotate in and out of that. And my T is positioned as such sometimes. Its painful because it keeps me in a devalued position... I just think Im the worst with no redeeming qualities. I'm dumb, ugly, broke, etc. Which I know isn't true at all. Perhaps that's what I find so difficult and therapy highlights that.

Tyler... I hope to get well enough to begin spacing my sessions. Congrats! I know I'm not there yet...

This might sound silly, but it's a real thing.

I watch Frasier a lot it's called "transference". It's when you *think* you have feelings for your therapist, but they are displaced emotions because you are mistaking their empathy for attraction or some such. But it doesn't always have to be romantic feelings, it could mean you see them in a "god-like" way, or even hatred.

I have never had such feelings, but I know a little bit about my counselor (she's married with children and enjoys video games, sometimes we talk about The Walking Dead). I guess I see her more as a friend than a counselor. I have been seeing her for 6 years... so she knows a lot about me.

Jellybeanery wrote:This might sound silly, but it's a real thing.

I watch Frasier a lot it's called "transference". It's when you *think* you have feelings for your therapist, but they are displaced emotions because you are mistaking their empathy for attraction or some such. But it doesn't always have to be romantic feelings, it could mean you see them in a "god-like" way, or even hatred.

I have never had such feelings, but I know a little bit about my counselor (she's married with children and enjoys video games, sometimes we talk about The Walking Dead). I guess I see her more as a friend than a counselor. I have been seeing her for 6 years... so she knows a lot about me.

Totally... transference. The thing is i *know* I don't have feelings for my T and I know he doesn't for me at all in that way. And when pressed I understand all of that would be unethical, complicated, and deter our work together. I'm *SO* aware of this. For sure... but it's like i can't stop comparing myself to him. And how much crappier of a person I am. He's so successful, handsome, healthy, etc. And I am not.

I did this for about 7 years with professional friends... such toxic dynamics. One was a narcissist (other friends of hers dropped her after calling her on it). Another was a possible Borderline... I had to ditch those friendships because they felt overwhelmingly gross. I couldn't stop telling myself I wasn't successful compared to them. And the narc constantly reinforced this in subtle ways. Ugh. Anyways, this pattern of idealizing has been with me for about a decade (or longer perhaps). SO... i got rid of them, and am now doing this with my T. Double ugh

Anyways, thanks for the response JB. I'm glad you don't have this interaction with your T.

I respect my therapist's time now more than before. Because I see her less often. I try to make sure "I" get something out of the session not just because I'm paying but because I could really use her uplifting me. Sometimes I need a reasonable person who values me to show me that I am a very valuable and important person in this world. I don't get that many other places.

I am shy talking to her about certain things because I have to face her and maybe I might not like it if she doesn't accept me as I am. I have my sort of like "secrets" I can't just tell anyone. But I don't have to. It's not like saying--here are my sins, I'm sorry for them and I repent, blah, blah, blah... I just talk about what I feel I need to get an insight from, get her words and opinions on something. I go slow. I don't think I have transference with her. But I feel she values me. She understands some of my issues better than anyone else could including my husband. So she's like this great friend I have, yet she isn't and I like that because then I would have to do my part in a friendship. I don't feel guilty about not trying to be a friend to her because I'm not that.

Son wrote:SO... i got rid of them, and am now doing this with my T.

Have you done this with every therapist? Have you talked about this with them? Since you are very self aware, I would assume you are aware of how this is destructive (? for lack of a better word).

I totally understand about the friends thing (comparing yourself). I have always done that. I still do.