chasing the mania

ok I am going to try to get through this without rambling (too much). This is about bipolar mania and substance abuse. I didn't feel this was apt for the substance abuse forums, if I am incorrect just let me know.

I have an addiction problem. This isn't new. Rather it has existed for oh, 20 years are so. I realized in the past few weeks that the reason I look and turn to the substances I use/abuse is all because I am chasing that mania high.

Which this is odd cause I don't like the mania episodes much at all. i do really awful things when I am manic, or at least I used to (pre-meds). But the one thing I did and do like is that high feeling, energetic and enthusiastic feelings (if that adequately describes it).

I also see now that most, if not all, the things I do are because I want those feelings back ore than anything. It is rather scary to feel this way and to realize that I am this dependent on the chase.
Because I think it is also more about the chase than getting or sustaining the 'high'.

Does this make sense to anyone? Can anyone relate or offer any input of your experiences?

Yeah. Totally me. We talked about this in another thread. I constantly do things trying to trigger mania. Used to do drugs, now I just do activities that release adrenaline. I want to feel that energy, the bliss, the on top of the world feeling. But also like you, I know it's bad. Eventually I lose control. I become irritable and angry. I feel misunderstood and that people are working against me. I know it's bad. I just lost everything but my job in a couple month long hypo/manic episode and subsequent hospitalization.

I chase the feeling at the beginning. The cocaine like high that last for days/weeks. But in the end, it always turns bad.

I'm rambling. I just wanted to say you are not alone in this feeling and I can relate.

Liquid_Entropy wrote:Yeah. Totally me. We talked about this in another thread. I constantly do things trying to trigger mania. Used to do drugs, now I just do activities that release adrenaline. I want to feel that energy, the bliss, the on top of the world feeling. But also like you, I know it's bad. Eventually I lose control. I become irritable and angry. I feel misunderstood and that people are working against me. I know it's bad. I just lost everything but my job in a couple month long hypo/manic episode and subsequent hospitalization.

I chase the feeling at the beginning. The cocaine like high that last for days/weeks. But in the end, it always turns bad.

I'm rambling. I just wanted to say you are not alone in this feeling and I can relate.

Thank you. Oh I ramble a lot. I have to watch myself or else I start off on one topic then by the end I have no idea how many things I fit in.
Yea substance use is not good any time. So not good for me, I get it but it doesn't deter me from riding that roller coaster yet again the next time around. I have tried many a drug, some I like more than others but it always ends the same, trying to dig my way out of whatever hole I jumped into.

The highs from mania may feel good, but as with all things that go up they must come down.
Its like taking drugs to feel good. But the crash isnt worth it. Sure you can get alot done, do things you probably shouldnt. I been going since July and im starting to come down. I sure dont like crashing because i know whats coming my way is going to be worse. I prefer to be stable, in my neutral postion so to say.

My friends and family joke with me about the "manic me" and how different things were. They and I recall my energy and some of the good parts of mania, but only I truly recall the horror of it and the things I did and how I ruined my life. So, sometimes I miss parts of mania, but it only takes a few seconds to remind myself that I hope to never go there again.

Totally. It's fiendishly hard to resist, especially when you're feeling horrible and/or have something important to do (though that tends to kick me up on its own). *mod edit*

Damn I'm prolific today, sorry about that.

I wouldn't want to have missed either of the two manic episodes I've experienced, I've had some of the best and most interesting experiences of my life whilst manic. For me drugs haven't come close to the things I've got in touch with whilst Manic. I've accessed deep emotional states which somehow made sense of childhood pain I never got close to with 10 years (or so) of counselling...And just some of the bizarre things I've seen and experienced...why would I want to give that up. Most people don't have any idea what its like and never will.