New Here

Hello,

I am new here, well, not exactly. I used to have an account but I forgot my username and password so I created another one. I have sort of been through stages of denial and acceptance of my disorder for the past year. I have never actually gotten the whole "you have bipolar disorder" statement from doctors, but they have put me on mood stabilizers before, etc. I don't know how that works nowadays. They say that they definitely think I exhibit many things that fit into that category but don't outright say that I have it. I'm almost glad that they don't to be honest. Because that might just make me more depressed. lol. But basically, I have been having this issues since about 16, when they misdiagnosed me with depression and decided to put me on Prozac, of all things, which seriously numbed me out and made me feel really strange. It wasn't until I went to college that I began to notice and identify the anger outbursts, the mania, and the psychotic episodes that went along with it. To be perfectly honest, I have sort of a love/hate relationship with this whole thing. I know, that's so bipolar of me, lol. I am normally a very funny person. But I do struggles with bouts of depression for weeks/months at a time during the year and then there is the manic episodes. I started taking a mood stabilizer about a year ago and I was really beginning to see my life turn around and was generally a happier person because of it. And, in all honesty, I know some people feel like the meds take away their creativity, but I actually felt like the meds helped me stay focused and actually achieve many of the creative goals that I would never have been able to complete if I weren't on meds. And then, you guessed it, I freaked out, got scared of taking the meds, and stopped taking them altogether as well as stopped seeing my doctor, which, I know, is a completely dangerous thing to do and I have regretted it greatly.

Now, let's fast forward to where I'm at today. Today, I have seen my symptoms get progressively worse, and I think this past Christmas, I have seen my biggest, longest, and most outlandish manic episode yet. I kind of didn't really think I exhibited many signs of mania up until this point. I am almost 25 now, so you can imagine the years I have spent going through these cycles, completely oblivious to what I'm doing. I will say, it helps when you are living with someone because they will point those things out to you if you don't notice them yourself. Anyway, basically my manic episodes consist of me being extremely happy, I get racing thoughts, ideas, I get a surge of creativity and can be working on a creative project and nothing else for days. I will forget about all other obligations, as if I am in my own dream world and the only thing that matters is getting this project done. Which, this has actually been more helpful than harmful because I am a writer and am so close to finishing my poetry manuscript that I can taste it. I am super focused, don't need a lot of sleep, and seem to have lots of energy despite that fact. I also seem to spend money left and right and go on shopping sprees just to increase my self-esteem, self-worth and happiness in that point in time. After about two weeks or maybe even a month with these symptoms, I start regretting all of it. I sleep more, i become lethargic actually, the house becomes a tornado of a mess, and I start feeling the symptoms of depression. Whether I am depressed or manic, I am always irritable and have lashed out at people on occasions. I am proud to say however I have not had suicidal tendencies for about 2 years. I have actually been able to stop that, but that doesn't stop the worthlessness and depression I go through. Actually, I have more or less replaced that with obsessive thoughts and skin picking, which I say is better than what it used to be, but still needs to be addressed. I have obsessive thoughts and fantasies about people I have met that I am attracted to and get several racing thoughts going through my head about them every single day. Enough to drive someone insane. Because of all of these behaviors, I feel that my condition is getting worse and I need to seek professional help, so I have decided to come back on the forum and also set up an appointment with a new doctor, seeking psychotherapy and possibly medication if they think I will need that as well. Anyways, I appreciate any feedback and thoughts and hope that you all will share your stories with me. It makes me feel good to know that I am not alone in this fight. I am sorry for the overly long post, but I hope you read it.

Sincerely,
hopelesslyflawed

Hello there ,

I am definitely no professional psychologist , but your moods do seen a little erratic . Communication with a psychiatrist should surely help .

I can definitely relate to the whole absorption with creative efforts while in a hypo manic state . I say that because I believe I only had one hypo manic episode, and I can only guess you had hypo manic episodes (not too sure , just guessing because you were still able to focus ) . I was extremely focused on musical projects and studying sociopaths , eventually focusing completely on the anti social disorder, ditched my music projects completely . By the time I got to serious full blown mania , I couldn't focus on anything and was all over the place . I couldn't sit down to read a study or make a song.although I do recall completing one song in the full mania in about an hour (my songs on average take 6-15 hours ) to this day , it was one of my most well liked songs in the hip hop/r and b genre lol

Ether way , it'd be a terrible shame if your depressive moods reached suicidal proportions again . I have been suicidal before , never carried it out , but anyone thinking about killing themselves is in a dark place . And it's possible to revert back to that . And it could possibly get worse , the world needs artist! Lol your mental health is paramount

Bipolarmusician,

Yes I agree. It's just so hard because it is so easy to just convince yourself that everything is okay when it is really not, and I have been doing that for a long, long time. I completely understand the loss of focus that you are talking about. I will write for hours and then the next day I will feel completely unfocused and not be able to concentrate on anything. Then like two months later when I am feeling manic again I might come back to the project I put off. I have the issues of not opening up and I tend to bottle up my emotions. I actually put on a pretty good face around my family and at my job that creates the illusion that everything is okay. I have become really good at not telling anyone about how I really feel on the inside over the years so it is really hard to go see someone and actually try opening up to them about it. I have had trouble in the past with talking to professionals. Sometimes I feel like I can't trust them so I don't tell them everything that I want to say. I am hoping that I will be able to change that though.