Bipolar me, married to a "normal" person... advice?

I've got bipolar 1, I got married about 4 years ago after dating for a year. We've been through some tough times (unrelated to my illness). We just about went bankrupt, we lost our business and house because of the economy and I fell in a heap because of depression and got in trouble with unpaid taxes and paperwork related to our business. I couldn't take care of things and she took over responsibility, but she was suffering too and I couldn't support her because of my illness, my father also died 6 months ago. We're both back at uni now heading towards new careers.

Now I'm ok-ish, but you guys know what it's like... sometimes you're better, sometimes worse, sometimes a little manic, sometimes very low. I've lived with this illness for the last 17 years and I feel like I'm as well as I can be, my life has always been pretty chaotic but i always manage (sortof). She can't deal with my chaos anymore, but we still love each other very much. The other problem is she feels like she is my "carer" and because of that the romance has died.

She thinks the only way the relationship can work is if we live apart, separate finances and date again. It's not what I want but what we've got isn't working. Even apart I think she will always feel she needs to be my "carer". I don't want a carer, I want a lover. She's the kindest, most logical and intelligent woman I've ever been with but I don't know if this can work or if I should just walk and start again with someone else.

Anyone made a marriage work? or have any advice one way or another?

Hey hon

Sounds like a tricky situation esp with her feeling like she needs to be your carer- I can totally understand you not wanting this.

TBH it sounds to me like you guys would really benefit from some couples counselling to talk this out with a third party being there. Perhaps it would help you both say what you think and also try to see each other's pov about what you do and dont want. And having a therapist there would mean that hopefully it wouold not turn into a fight as they will be able to help you do this constructively one would hope. It might be worth thinking about

Take good care

Cracked

ManicToaster wrote:I've got bipolar 1, I got married about 4 years ago after dating for a year. We've been through some tough times (unrelated to my illness). We just about went bankrupt, we lost our business and house because of the economy and I fell in a heap because of depression and got in trouble with unpaid taxes and paperwork related to our business. I couldn't take care of things and she took over responsibility, but she was suffering too and I couldn't support her because of my illness, my father also died 6 months ago. We're both back at uni now heading towards new careers.

Now I'm ok-ish, but you guys know what it's like... sometimes you're better, sometimes worse, sometimes a little manic, sometimes very low. I've lived with this illness for the last 17 years and I feel like I'm as well as I can be, my life has always been pretty chaotic but i always manage (sortof). She can't deal with my chaos anymore, but we still love each other very much. The other problem is she feels like she is my "carer" and because of that the romance has died.

She thinks the only way the relationship can work is if we live apart, separate finances and date again. It's not what I want but what we've got isn't working. Even apart I think she will always feel she needs to be my "carer". I don't want a carer, I want a lover. She's the kindest, most logical and intelligent woman I've ever been with but I don't know if this can work or if I should just walk and start again with someone else.

Anyone made a marriage work? or have any advice one way or another?

it sounds as though you and your wife have been going through quite similar to what myself and my partner have been dealing with.
I think I am bipolar, and my partner has quite serious money issues, he has gotten £60,000 ish worth of debt, this is both personal and business debt. He is in the process of being made bankrupt.

As his money issues have gotten worse, ive felt worse in myself and have blamed my partner for things being so stressful and me inturn feeling like ive fallen apart.

The only way that we got our relationship back on track was really discussing our issues, he then explained to me that he may not have money to buy me the flowers or the dinners out that he hoped he could, but he would try to dig himself out of his financial hole, so in the future we can have better.

with good communication, a little bit of understanding and looking towards how much better the future can be for you and your wife things really can be ok.

another thing to try is if you remember things you used to do when you first met? try and do these things more often, hold her hand when you are out together, kiss her whilst queing, take her to the cinemas, leave her love notes, make dinner or wash up.

these all seem like fairly small things, though they can make a huge difference.

its often hard to be a partner of someone who is bipolar, with the constant mood swings, not knowing whether you are coming or going.
so when I am well I try to treat my partner as well as I can, we also try to keep communication open and give him lots of hugs.

we now have a much stronger bond, even with the money issues.

best wishes,

hope you let us know how you both get on.

Im married and the only way it can survive is for the other spouse to be strong and understand our crazy and erratic behaviors. Otherwise it isnt worth the pain for both involved

Thanks guys. We've been talking about it. Couples counselling is going to happen and we're going to keep on trying. She's beginning to understand how overwhelmed I've been with the things that happened to us in the recent past.

I'm trying to do the little things that add up and make a big difference.

I'm staying optimistic

Really hope things work out for you guys

Cracked

ManicToaster wrote:Thanks guys. We've been talking about it. Couples counselling is going to happen and we're going to keep on trying. She's beginning to understand how overwhelmed I've been with the things that happened to us in the recent past.

I'm trying to do the little things that add up and make a big difference.

I'm staying optimistic

Sounds great, please let us know how things go?
I for one would be very interested.


Good luck!

I completely relate to you. My husband and I lost our house filed for bankruptcy and am on a tight budget bc of my bipolar and other disorders. I have been in and out of the hospital and treatment for 4 years and that has taken quite the toll on my marriage.

I'm in the middle of a cycle now and it's hard to hear...sit still, be quiet, act normal. After awhile you would think they would understand. I think it's a learning process. My husband is very loving and caring but when I'm in a cycle I can push him too far. He comes to therapy with me, he tries to understand. I guess my best suggestions is to try to educate on the subject of bipolar disorder and what it looks like.

Good luck.

~Amy