Involuntary self-pity and loathing

As someone who has been bipolar for almost 10 years I have taught myself to never feel sorry for myself and at times it can't be stopped and I just hit a low that is almost impossible to stabilise.

So more or less 6 months ago my younger brother fresh out of high school gets a really cool gift from his boss.. Not a bonus or increase but a car worth more than my yearly salary. This might sound wrong but we are complete opposites, he has never had to really work his ass off for anything in his life.

I hit a low about the gift but after an hour or so got over it and went on with my life.

Last night I found out he got a new job because his ex-boss called in a few favours. Needless to say that his new job covers my salary tenfold! and I get an average salary...

In a way I am glad that he has a good job but deep inside I feel that he is a dick who has gotten everything he has ever wanted since the day he was born. And not in the sense that my parents treated him better than me.. He barely works, parties the whole week. I work an average of 50 hours a week, barely sleep, have to take a handfull of pills 3 times a day, listen to the snotty brat bitch when he doesn't get his way, listen to my mom bitch when she doesn't get her way and for soem bloody reason I have the sex-appeal of a female prison guard.

This is probably just me bitching because I didn't get what I want, but I mean for a rapid phase bipolar guy who has had to fight his way through the beginning of my life and most likely will have to fight until I die, is it unfair to wish that something good will ever happen to you?

Today has probably been the worst day I have had in three and a half years and to be honest I can't help but to think of suicide.

*hugs* hon. I'm sorry you are feeling badly. I hear what you are saying. Life is just so damned unfair sometimes that it’s hard not to feel badly for oneself now and then, especially when things seem to come so easily for others. Your brother does seem to have it amazingly good in the job department, esp for someone so young.

Unfortunately, suicidal thoughts are par for the bipolar course, so to speak, but like you said it’s the worst day it’s been in years so odds are good this passes and you start to feel better again. Hang in there, keep safe and keep talking to us here if it helps. *more hugs*

Wow ! I am sorry you are having a rough go at it... You almost described my life to a T minus the working thing as I had to go on disability some years ago and it took me forever to get!

But when I worked it took me 6 months to save up for just enough money just to maybe get out of town over night unless I went camping and then I could go for a whole weekend.

I can so relate to the BPD and teaching yourself not to go in to self-pity and the fact that at times theres no control..it just is, what it is.

I try to think about all the people who are really there for me family usually doesn't get it.
It doesnt always do the trick either but I find sometimes when Iam feeling like the point of no return which for me is often here lately one of my friends really knows when that point is or so it seems and they seem to be there...I am being made to go out tonight even though I dont want to and no I am actually in between having my own place so its not like I can refuse I tried to refuse, believe me but my friends care a lot but there is that blank space in between when it feels like everyone could care less.

I related to your post but probably have a poor way of communicating that...I could really relate to the sex appeal bit

Sometimes I think life does seem unfair - how come others get an easy ride and we dont? I certainly get thoughts like that for sure. I guess in part we dont know what someone else's life really is like but that does not really help when feeling fed up and like life is unfair. I am not sure how to make things better but I do understand where you are coming from.

Hugs

Cracked

@ MBM - The 2 friends who always help me when I'm in a rut are on honeymoon so it was just a lone drink at a restaurant far from on the other side of town far away from my brother and his over inflated ego.

But a good thing that came of that lonely drink was running into a friend that I haven't seen in about 9 years. And she really cheered me up, went to play pool at some dodgy pool hall and had an awesome time.

But even that was crushed by nothing but 3 words. Bah!

I stopped considering suicide after my 6th failed attempt back in 2007 but this low blow just hit me back into that state of mind.

The biggest issue is working, I can't take leave at the moment because I'm alone at work so there is too much work to be done. But when I'm in this loop I can't even type a report.

And not trying to give up is so damn hard at the moment but there are just som many things that will be left undone if I killed myself. So I doubt actual suicide might be in the cards.