Blaminig the disorder vs. taking personal responsibility

What's the balance between blaming the disorder and taking personal responsibility? My therapist has told me before that I needed to take personal responsibility for my actions rather than continue to blame the disorder but with something like bipolar, doesn't the disorder effect the decisions we make? What are your thoughts?

That's a loaded question. If I believe I'm not capable of doing something, say, in a depressive episode, then it won't happen. My girlfriend always used to be so frustrated when I said I couldn't do something because of my illness. No one knows to this day whether I was experiencing negative symptoms or severe depression back a couple years ago, but it was at that time that I believed that I just couldn't do ANYTHING.

Now, in regards to something like mania, just a couple weeks ago I went out and spent $700 on drum stuff that I just didn't and don't need while in a brief hypomanic episode. I've taken responsibility for it. My dad doesn't know about it yet, and he'd totally flip if he found out, but I couldn't hide everything from my mom. I get a very minimal amount of money each month through disability and I have bills to pay. That money isn't there for sprees.

To a certain degree, the illness takes me over, but I can't always hide behind it. What's the difference between laziness and being depressed? What's the difference between impulsivity due to a manic episode versus an impulsive personality? In my case, most of the time there's a very thin line between the two, unless it's a severe episode.

I guess in the end laziness is a choice. Depression can be so severe that one literally can't move - I've been there, but there will be times during such an episode that you can pick yourself up and do SOMETHING, and not blame the illness, saying "I can't do anything".

I think I'm rambling and not making any sense. ###$ it. My apologies.

Nupy

I think I say, "The disorder made me do it." too much. But if I'm sleeping 20 hours a day due to being on the depressive side, is that really my fault? How can I take responsibility when my body won't function? How can I take responsibility when manic and my mood is such as it is that I don't care about the consequences?

Or does taking responsibility mean doing what's in your power to prevent the swings and not necessarily taking responsibility for what you do during the swings?

When someone i know does something that they know triggers me, they can take the blame or f--- off. They knew better. Its like me hitting your broke arm. I knew about it but i did it anyway. I take responsebility for what i do, always have. The disorder is me, and i am apart of my disorder. But it is a catch 22. Screwed either way.

I've actually been accused of not blaming the disorder enough.... If I did something wrong I would just kick myself over and over again and then try to exercise more and pray harder. It led me into this really self disliking cycle.

Now I blame myself with the disorder in mind, but I'm more heavy on blaming the disorder as a lot of the mistakes I've made in the past were due to something clearly wrong, and I'm still trying to forgive myself. I think blaming the disorder too much is much more dangerous though, you can get away with more and more over the course of your life.... Have to have faith that you have the resources and intelligence enough that you can solve problems even if bipolar exacerbates them.

I'm sort of in between I guess. My doctor keeps on saying I am too tough on myself and need time and that I am doing very well. She means by that that I force myself to get out of bed every day, go to the gym three times a week and spend one day at the forge. That plus Facebook is about the full extent of what I do. I wish I could be patient and say "it's the disorder, I have to give it time", but I still continue whipping myself with the "I am lazy and useless, I should be doing all this stuff" thoughts :/ At the same time, yes, there were times when I wouldn't go out of the house because "I have this disorder" (meaning "I don't feel like it and there's an excuse at hand").

I always take responsibility but it doesn't mean I have the willpower to change.

If that makes sense.

For example, I failed this semester of college. It's my fault, I didn't do enough and I made bad choices. Plain and simple. I will almost always never do enough and I will likely make bad choices most of the time. That's just who I am. I hope this made sense . The disease is there, it makes me who I am and I own it, I guess is what I mean.

I think we can't really separate, with a disorder like this, into "me" vs "the bipolar". I went to my pdoc a while ago having done my mohawk red. She thought I was manic. I wasn't. I was actually mildly depressed and trying to cheer myself up. It's not like there is an average Oliveira sitting in me and then a bipolar presses "updo" and "downdo" buttons. But it's also not "poor me can't do the dishes because I am ill, can you do that for me? And then bring me a beer on your way back from the kitchen" either. (I don't do that by the way.)

For the most part, I try to hold myself accountable for my actions, but this often means keeping myself away from the public and friends as much as possible while I'm having an episode (assuming I recognize it, which I'm getting better at doing). I don't want to impulsively do or say something I may regret later, and especially while manic, it's almost uncontrollable if I let myself get into a position to spend money, socialize, etc. Fortunately I have my partner to help me monitor things, point out possible episodes, and help me through trying to contain the moods to minimal damage.

When we're talking about physical symptoms, though, I take zero personal responsibility. I fight for control where I can, but when I literally feel like I can't get up, it's not laziness, it's a genuine lack of energy and motivation. When I'm overwhelmed and freaking out in a social situation and have to leave rudely, it's not my fault that my brain decided to overstimulate me into a panic. When I have to cancel plans because I'm losing my mind, that's out of my hands and, while regrettable, better for all parties involved anyway.

I feel like I'm usually pretty good about looking back and figuring out what was really my fault and what was a legitimate result of the illness. The hardest part, though, is the rage. I hold myself accountable as though it is my fault, because it's more prone to hurt people than other states are and whoever I hurt likely needs to feel validated in their pain, but I don't fully believe that that's true. Rage is the hardest mood swing for me to recognize, and the hardest to control even if I do recognize it. If I don't hold myself accountable, then I won't work at trying to control it, but it's difficult on a personal level (though I would never say this to someone I may have hurt in a rage) to believe that I'm responsible for something so passionate and all-consuming, especially since I know it's the direct result of an episode and not something I ever get worked into just from anger.

I think a lot of it has to do with taking personal responsibility while still acknowledging the effects of the disorder. For example, I can feel so depressed that I can't get out of bed due to the disorder, what I can't do is just expect my job to keep employing me if I don't call in sick, or take the action steps to go on FMLA. If I'm in a manic rage and I say/do some really mean things, I can't expect people to just get over that because I was manic. The fact remains that what I said/did was hurtful, and I'll have to spend time repairing the relationship. If I spend thousands of dollars while manic, I need to take responsibility for the fact that I did that manic or not, and that now the consequences of that are that I might have to live with less until I catch up (ie. I can't just expect people to give me money because I was manic without some way of properly paying them back if it had to come to that, or the credit card companies to just write off those additions to my bill)

These are just a few examples that I could think of, hope that helps?