feeling hopeless

I have been very sad the last couple of months and feel very hopeless about my situation. My psychiatrist won't put me on an anti-depressant because of the mood swings and my sadness just seems to be getting worse. I don't have anyone to talk to because no one close to me wants to hear about it anymore. I have been in a bad place this whole year so it's just gotten old for everyone. I feel very alone and just need people to talk to who understand.

I feel like nothing is going to bring me out of this depression and I'm really tired of feeling this way. I hate this disorder. I feel stuck. If anyone else knows what to say please help. I just feel so alone and near tears all the time.

pillsbury

I am so sorry for the way you are feeling, and can just feel your pain as I read your post. This past year has been the hardest of my life too. My family got fed up and kept saying I needed to buck up and be more grateful. Problem is they don't know the hell that goes on in our heads. I started to go to Bipolar/depression support groups in my area. They are only two nights a week but they give me something to look forward to. You can message me. I know how you feel. It just seems to be unfair sometimes, that we have to endure a disorder that is so painful in our minds, and is not understood in society. I always say I wish I had cancer instead. People at least are sympathetic or empathetic for that. You are not alone, we all know how you feel here.

Thank you for replying. I also wish I didn't have something in my head and maybe something that had a remission. Though I would never ask for cancer or something like that. They probably ask for something with the possibility of being controlled with meds. We all wish for something we don't have.

So you've had a bad year too? This has been one of the worst years. I can't wait till it's over. Though I don't know if next year is going to be any better. Last January I went off my meds(stupid thing to do) and it has gone downhill since. That's the first time I ever did that, and the last. I hope for stability again. I had it last year(finally) and I ruined it. I made the mistake of listening to someone say I may not need the meds and that I may not actually be bipolar. What a joke. Now I have learned I definately am. According to my psychiatrist a lot of his patients go off their meds, so it's not uncommon. But I don't recommend it to anyone.

Why has your year been bad?

pillsbury

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like that. I know it's a horrible place to be. I can relate to you saying your psychiatrist won't put you on an antidepressant because of the mood swings. Mine has been saying the exact same thing to me...soooo I dropped 100mg on my mood stabilizer, and now I feel great!! I do not recommend such stupidity, though. I'm dreading the crash to come, IF it even happens. I'm working on getting a routine together to help keep me level.

Speaking of routine, how do you spend your days? I would recommend getting out for a walk, even if you start out with 10 minutes at a time. Exercise really helps a lot, and it's something I know many psychiatrists try to push - at least the ones with any brains.

It's important to get some sort of routine going to get you through this. It'll be hard to motivate yourself, but take it in small steps, and you'll get there. Regular meals, getting up and going to bed around the same time, etc.. I have yet to start doing this, but many people here have advised me to start journalling. It's good to get your thoughts out onto paper so you can begin to sort through them. Start small.

Sorry for the small lecture, but these things will truly help you if you can motivate yourself to get started.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. Stay strong and know that it will come to pass. These feelings don't last forever. Take care!

Nupy

I had a terrible 2011, and decided 2012 was going to be my year. And it was. While hypomania lasted.

Now I decided 2013 is going to be my year. If I trick my pdoc into giving me an antidepressant that is.

Thank you both for replying. Did you decrease your mood stabilizer with your psychiatrist? I don't recommend doing it on your own. That's what I did and for the first few months I felt amazing. Down right wonderful. And then I crashed hard and ended up in the hospital for 5 days. And now, this. And this sucks.

I agree that I should have a routine and start walking and journaling but it's so hard to get motivated to do it. It feels like climbing a mountain to do these things. I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself. The 'why me?' syndrome. What would really help me is if I had some friends to do things with during the day. My kids are in school and my husband is at work so I run errands, go grocery shopping, and clean. Though I haven't done much cleaning lately. And I've been doing a lot of bingeing. In the last year I have gained over 10 pounds. I've been finding solace in sugary foods, though not much. I guess it feels like the only thing I have control over. And that is really a joke because I really don't have any control over it, the food controls me. With the changing of meds and my eating habits I have gained 40 pounds in the last 4 years. How do I stop it? Do you know?

I only have one friend that isn't family and I've never actually met her. I met her an a bipolar website and over the years we just started calling each other. I feel like she's the only one I can really talk to. I'm not good at talking to people in person. I'm awkward. There's so many things I wish was different about me and being social is one of them.

I dropped down on my mood stabilizer the "classic" way - on my own without talking to my psychiatrist. I know it's the worst way to do it, but I'm ready to work hard to keep my mood even. Getting together a routine, I know, will help me greatly.

As for the weight gain, I'm not the best person to ask because I've gained a ton of weight since I started medication, too. It was only when I went back to school last year that I started losing weight. I recently dropped out due to health reasons, but that's besides the point. The brain burns calories on it's own, so I believe that mixed with walking around campus plus eating three balanced meals a day really helped. I was bound to gain weight when I started medication, anyway because I was 140 pounds...I'm 5'10"...not a healthy weight. I ended up gaining 60 pounds on my medication. But also, this past summer I quit smoking, so I gained all the weight back that I had lost when I first started school. Really, all I can say is stay away from the sugary foods and get plenty of exercise. What I'm beginning to try to do is eat many smaller meals throughout the day to keep my metabolism going and staying away from the midnight snacks - those are a killer!

As for the social bit, practice makes perfect (so to speak). When I first became ill, I avoided any and all social contact with everyone but family and one close friend. This lasted almost two years, and I lost ANY ability to communicate comfortably with people. Once I got back to school, my social skills started coming back, I met new people, started hanging out with old friends again...it was a great way to get me back out into the world. Maybe you could try finding some support groups in your area? At first it will be uncomfortable, but you'll slowly start to come out of your shell.

I had a hard time writing this - I can't focus tonight. I hope some of it makes sense.

Nupy

Thank you for replying.

I am feeling just a little better today. I talked to my husband yesterday and worked a few things out and talked to my father n law. He used to be a councelor so he knew what to say to me. I still really overate yesterday though but today I am eating better. Not snacking all day. My stomach is actually growling because I'm hungry.

How are you doing?

pillsbury