Am I Bipolar?

Ok, I've obviously a new kid here, considering my uncertainty of my mental state. I've wondered for a couple years now if I've shown hints of the disorder, but recently I feel it seems to be the only explanation for my actions. I'm already a positive person, but sometimes it crosses a line, and sometimes I crash down. The contemplation of bipolar disorder began a couple years ago, when i was in an extreme, but also very hidden, depression state for a good six months. Everyday i pretended to act happy but went home, went on 'bike rides', and instead cut my arms with twigs so they'd cut less deep but sting just as much because it took a lot of effort. I was in a lot of pain, convinced everything wrong with my life, a recent loss of a close friend and a boy not liking me, were all attributed to me being messed up. But as the pain of the two events subsided, the crying and pain didn't. I actually would go in the woods and cry wondering why i couldn't stop crying and couldn't be ok. Its when i started wondering how it would feel like to walk in front of a speeding car, and other subsequent behavior, that i told my mom. For awhile i went to a psychiatrist and was normal, because my mom thought my idea of bipolar was ludicrous, even though i made a point to tell her i kept a lot of it hidden because i was afraid of disappointing her even more completely like i did everyone else.May i note the psychiatrist acknowledged i had a problem, being depressed out of my mind and some days fine and chipper, but she didn't believe in using medicine. I respected that, and tried my best to keep a friend to tell things to or tell my mom how i felt since. Yet still i had irrationally elated times, normally coinciding with times i gained the confidence to hit on boys and ask them out and then dump them when I stopped feeling like jesus and realized I didn't actually care about them that much, just did when I felt super confident. I liked them liking confident me, not real me. Most of those relationships ended because they fell for energetic, hyper me ,not sarcastic, sometimes depressed out of my brains me. Also, since that depressive state, I've had weeks were i was sad but just either didn't talk to people much or fake smiled. Recently those weeks have narrowed down to a couple days, or sometimes just one, while it seems mania has taken over. This is when I actually started getting really concerned. The last month I have exhibited mania symptoms I hadn't before. I had terrible concentration; my friend asked me what we learned in class the day before and i barely knew, and i was paying attention, or at least thought i was. I have been severely focused on working on writing, which is good, but not when i basically expected my friends to think it more important than anything else like i did. I had little sleep, the paranoia i already had increased to the point I'd keep the lights on because if i turned them off i was convinced someone would kill me, see strange shadows, basically thought i was more important and more amazing than everyone else, changed from being rarely bothered to irritated by most things my friends said, was thinking so fast i could barely think, which ultimately hindered some of the manic writing, and had so many ideas i could barely handle, i did a writing project four times over simply because i had so many ideas for it. Though i am energetic, it never had been to this degree. And my paranoia is strong, but it had never actually scared me nor made me convinced of my own death. Most times i say what if, roll my eyes, and then move on. This mania crashed when a friend ignored me for a good ten seconds and i became convinced my friends don't love me, that i'm only a nice one they dont actually care about, and went home and cried for a good hour and a half straight. It took until the next morning to even feel any sorts of simulated ok-ness. That was when i looked up bipolar disorder again, took several screening tests, and most said its very likely I had the disease. I'd just really like to get the opinion of people who actually have it too to be certain before I tell my mom, who i'm afraid of not believing me or falling into tears and being broken up about it so much like last time i came to her about feeling mentally ill. I've only told 2 close friends, and they've been very supportive. I would really appreciate your opinions before i see a doctor or tell my worrisome and awesome mom who i hate to tell terrible things unless I'm a hundred thousand percent she needs to be told. Please help i'd love any of you forever for it. Thank you.
PS: Super sorry for making this so long just had to get it all out. Thank you if you take the time to read this behemoth. Any help is really fantastic, I really need it. I'm just really confused and kinda scared because I have no clue what another manic or depressive episode will hold for me.

Although I can't say whether or not you have the disorder due to not being a professional, I can say I relate to some of what you wrote. I can't tell how old you are with your writing. If you're close to 18 (or the legal age of your area) I'd suggest hanging in there until you're 18 and seeing a psychiatrist that isn't biased against medicine. (That said, your current psychiatrist may only be biased due to your age.)

Now that said... I think you might mean you saw a therapist and not psychiatrist. The diference is psychiatrists are medical doctors and can hand out meds. The distinction is important because if you are indeed bipolar, you need a medical doctor, a psychiatrist. Therapists can help but bipolar disorder is mostly treated through meds.

If you're really young, say less than about 14... I don't know what to tell you. It depends on how bad it is really. If you ever think you might act on suicidal urges, get yourself into a hospital asap. In this situation, it's ok to call 911 on yourself (or your local emergency number if different...)

Eh, enough rambling. Get yourself in to be assessed by a proper doctor soon as you can.

Exiled. wrote:Although I can't say whether or not you have the disorder due to not being a professional, I can say I relate to some of what you wrote. I can't tell how old you are with your writing. If you're close to 18 (or the legal age of your area) I'd suggest hanging in there until you're 18 and seeing a psychiatrist that isn't biased against medicine. (That said, your current psychiatrist may only be biased due to your age.)

Now that said... I think you might mean you saw a therapist and not psychiatrist. The diference is psychiatrists are medical doctors and can hand out meds. The distinction is important because if you are indeed bipolar, you need a medical doctor, a psychiatrist. Therapists can help but bipolar disorder is mostly treated through meds.

If you're really young, say less than about 14... I don't know what to tell you. It depends on how bad it is really. If you ever think you might act on suicidal urges, get yourself into a hospital asap. In this situation, it's ok to call 911 on yourself (or your local emergency number if different...)

Eh, enough rambling. Get yourself in to be assessed by a proper doctor soon as you can.

Regardless, thanks a lot for bothering to care. I just really want as many sources of insight before I take it to a doctor or my mom. and it might have been a therapist, i don't know, I just remember my mom and her having a long talk about how just talking alone can fix everything. Even though I'm pretty sure I was quite annoyed half the the time i was there and even though i talk things out better i still have depression and/or mania-style problems. And assuming no very severe episodes occur during the time period, waiting until then might be a good idea. Regardless i do need to tell my mom of suspicions so it doesn't blind-side her. I am thankful for your opinion and I feel a lot better knowing other people feel some of the same stuff I do. Thanks a lot, it really means the world to me right now.

Really, the only thing I can say is to try to see a psychiatrist as soon as you can. If it were me, I would tell my mom exactly what was going on, but then again, I'm very honest with my family. Sometimes it gets me into trouble.

It's important to tell someone close to you what's going on in case you become severely depressed and suicidal. You need a support system. Mania can be pretty scary, too, and when the paranoia and hallucinations kick in, it can get messy.

Let us know what you decide to do, and stay safe!

Nupy

I think you're pretty close to where I was two years ago. I don't know what to say. From what you described, it sounds as though bipolar disorder would be likely, but just by reading it, I can tell that you've researched this. I'm not going to tell you that researching is a bad thing; because you researched, you have a good understanding of what is and isn't relevant in a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, which can be good. However, by researching, you may accidentally bias your account of the symptoms, which could cause a misdiagnosis. I'd been treated for ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD, and schizophrenia (although I was diagnosed with less than half of this) largely because I obsessed over them before I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and started on treatment for bipolar disorder. I attribute this largely to the fact that I got obsessed and started researching. I hope you never have to go through anything like this.
Here's what I would do if I could do this whole thing over:
I would stop researching bipolar disorder. I would go to my family, and tell them what is going on, and what I think is causing it, psychiatric disorders included, and why I think that. If my family didn't listen, I would tell a teacher. If I were in crisis ( very suicidal) I would call a helpline, crisis team or 911 (or other emergency number) or walk to the emergency room. Lastly, and maybe most importantly, I would try to find a place or group of people, even an internet forum, where I felt supported and accepted. I hope Psychforums can be one of those places for you. Welcome and good luck.
-Invincible_Helpless