So I'm just going to say that I was in a manic phase, and everything was going great, and I felt amazing, but then got very irritable around my mother.
As she has a negative view of me anyway, and we've had our problems for some time now, this directly turned into a fight.
I couldn't control my rage, and I'm not an agressive person, but I was really afraid I would end up physically hurting her. I threw things and tried to get into my room, but she didn't let me close the door, kept screaming at me, then when I begged her to just go and leave me alone (I was already in tears), she said "fine, I'll be moving out. And this afternoon, when I go visit my mother and my sister, I will tell them exactly what's going on with you and how removed from reality you are."
I don't even care about that anymore at this point. I just hate the fact that she doesn't understand ANYTHING! She doesn't see that I can't control my mood, she wishes I'd just be happy and nice all the time. She thinks I'm lazy and not doing anything, like not searching therapy (I have been searching, but it's difficult because there are long waiting lists and I am currently on one). Also, it's difficult for me because I panic in situations when I have to reveal everything that's been going on, especially because I'm afraid of not being understood and being criticized or whatever.
It's horrible because things were so great for the first time in ages, and she just goes and ruins it all just because I had the wrong look on my face and didn't seem thankful enough to her for having made breakfast (isn't that normal?). I am incredibly thankful for what she does. But it's not like, if I was healthy/emotinally stable, I would have already moved out. So it's kind of normal that I live here, and she cooks, washes my clothes etc.
And it's weird, because then I mention how, when my brother spent a year at home doing nothing between university and getting a job, she never criticized him for being lazy or whatever.
But she just said that with me it's different, because I'm not doing anything.
I'm just hanging around the computer, with my "cyber-friends".
Just yesterday I talked to a "real friend" and we're gonna meet next week, but of course, my mother forgot that.
She thinks I'm lazy for not being in treatment. But I can't actually just go somewhere and get treatment (unless I go to a hospital because i'm suicidal or anything). I don't get it. I'm suffering enough, because my anxiety and depression made that I had to stop going to school for the rest of the year, and it's hard on me, especially when I feel like I can do anything and I think it would be fine to go back to school, but it actually isn't.
She doesn't get how much I suffer.
She's always been in denial, whenever I told her something was wrong - from when I told her I was bullied at school to now, when I tell her what I think I might have, and she treats it like a joke.
I have tried to talk to her calmly, but lately every conversation about anything problematic turns into a fight, and actually I like screaming at her. That way I can at least let my frustration out.
I just don't know why I can't have a mother who is more understanding.
I will try to call my dad later, and tell him all about it. I'll see if he supports me at least. Because even though he hasn't been helpful because he didn't know what to do to help me (and quite honestly, there wasn't anything he could do), at least he was understanding and wanted to help me.
I hate even thinking of my mother, who thinks I'm so egocentric and don't care about her at all.
I'm such a caring person.
But I got scared of myself when I threw a fork at her (didn't hit her with it). She doesn't understand that I'm not doing this because I choose to. I don't want to hurt her. I just don't know how to deal with this.
While feeling manic, I wrote an e-mail to the therapist who's put me on a waiting list now. She might not be able to see me now, but I thought she might give me some advice or whatever. I think I'll mail her again with what's happened. Can't hurt at least.
But damn it, the worst is still that I was doing so great, and now - bam! I'm not suicidal, and I know that I can feel a lot worse, but things just suck at the moment and I feel all alone and am definitely scared because I just saw what I am capable of, when being irritated. I really lost control there. At least I reacted to it by locking myself into my room, but seriously.
Well, I just needed to rant. Maybe someone could comment to make me feel less alone.
With what I've experienced on this forum so far, mostly people can relate to what I go through, emotionally. So I thought I'd just give it a try. I'm definitely less pissed off now. Just sad that things went this way. I wish it didn't have to go that way. I could still be laughing and dancing around now.
*Sigh*
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