Newbie

Hi everyone, I'm Mandy. I'm 19. I created this account in hopes that I will actually use it often instead of getting bored with it and doing other things which is kinda typical me. I've had this issue for almost 2 years now. It started with bingeing but I was desperate to lose weight so I started starving more aggressively and wound up underweight even though I would still binge for a day or two every two weeks. That's when the cravings and compulsions kicked in BIG TIME. Food became romanticized. I could wear whatever now and feel confident but I never actually enjoyed it because I always just wanted to eat. I started to get depressed and felt like I couldn't wait to get old so I could have permission to get fat and eat what I wanted. That all happened sooner than I thought. In my senior year I binged for a week. It was the longest I had binged at that point. I was so upset about the weight gain that I basically gave up trying to lose weight and just gained and gained and gained because of this I refused to go to school and wound up on "hospital homebound" and did my work from home. I didn't go to prom or the last day of senior yr. I didn't go to college that fall either and spent a "gap year" at home...everyday...alone. ED caused me to lose all my friends and social life and since graduation everyone moved away, moved on etc. Its May now and I am going to college in August. I have tried to stop bingeing since it started two years ago and EVERY TIME I have failed. A two year track record of failure is pretty bad for the self confidence. That is extremely debilitating. Because I feel like I have tried everything and a binge is eventual. I don't accept that relapse is a part of recovery by the way. I've been to therapists etc which didn't help. I have it in my mind that I need to lose weight and get stabilized by August because I refuse to go to college fat. A year ago I think I was bingeing because I had problems with some guy...the first guy I liked that liked me back but it didn't work out and I didn't understand why and never said anything to him about it for the fear of coming off as needy or clingy or a stalker. So I kept it all in. But I'm over that now and I think my biggest obstacle now is dealing with the loneliness. I live with my mom and it's just us. Shes at work all day and I'm alone. I have no car, no where to go and no friends. I don't just need to SEE people or be around them. I need relationships. That intimacy and attachment is severely lacking and what I believe is keeping the bingeing alive. I need to be around friends or family daily in a safe environment. But I dont really know how to get that now. I love to stay up at night, watch comedy and binge. I feel so happy and feel like I have companionship although I HATE bingieng. It's like a switch. When I'm not bingeing I'm calm and everything feels fine and I can plan a binge and not think it will be that bad despite all of my previous bad experiences. It's like when I'm not bingieng I can't register those bad memeories with it. I know they happened but I can't feel them so they don't seem to have an impact. But a few bites into a binge I panic and the flood gates open and the reality of the situation hits me. Im really not sure how to get through the next few months until I go to college. And even when I do go (its a community college) so I'm not guaranteed friends which might be an issue. Sorry...tried to keep it short. I could add SO much more.

xoxoxo
Mandy

Hey! Mandy, I'm very new to the forum having only just came to terms with the fact that I suffer from BED even though I've been suffering on and off since I was a teenager - I'm now 32 so being open about your binging at 19 after 2 years is amazing. I'm not sure what I can say for advice but if your looking for support you have came to the right place. I have taken great comfort in sharing my story and even if people don't reply to my posts knowing people are reading it has made all the difference. I have still binged a few times in the last week but not to the same level as I did before. If there any way I can support you please get in touch - maybe we can help each other beat this

Hi, Mandy. Welcome to the site.

I have been binging, as well, for several years now (not sure of the exact number) and I can feel your pain about trying to stop and failing. After binging for a while I had gained a significant amount of weight. In a desperate attempt to be happy with my body and to gain control in my chaotic life, I developed anorexia and bulimia nervosa. Recovering from BED is really hard because I am almost always either restricting or binging. And although I don't really have much advice for you, know that you are not alone in this. Don't feel discouraged.

If you want to talk or anything, feel free to PM me. I can't guarantee I'll always have advice but I will try to help you the best I can. Big hugs

AA

Hi mandy (:
My names Luma, Im brand new, and reading your story I felt like It completely paralleled with mine .
Im a sophmore in highschool and being alone is the devil for me which sucks since Im alone pretty much all the time. I binge and restrict regulary and everytime i binge all of the consequences that come with it are just wiped from my mind. after 5 months of this i just want to be normal again. I want to look at a donut and not feel an abnormaly enticing feeling that comes with the imagination of me eating it. I think the first thing im gnna try to do to recover is to look deep in me this weekend and figure out what makes me happy as well as going out and doing those things with people i love. It should be easy. It wont be. You should do it with me (:
- p.s I binged just about an hour ago and currently sick to my stomach while typing this. Im not giving up.

Hi Mandy, I'm 48 and not in school but the binging has effected me all my life. I am now 48 with no college degree. Had I simply acepted myself as I was, I would not have missed out on so much. You say you refuse to go to college while you are fat. Perhaps your binge eating is a subconscious way of avoiding things. Mandy, in all honesty you will struggle with this all of your life. You need to accept yourself no matter how fat you are and concentrate on your college degree no matter what. In the long run, it really does'nt matter what you look like to other people. True friends will accept you unconditionally. Don't wake up at 48 and be like me. Don't let the binge eating rape you of your future. You will regret it terribly.