New and Nervous

Ok, so recently I have started talking to someone and I am seriously considering entering into a D/s type of relationship with him. He is a very rich, very public figure in my community and because of this the relationship will need to be kept secret. I am quite aware that this would never be able to go beyond what it is. We are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum in our everyday lives. (Yee, very 50 shades of grey sounding..i know). I have only been in a D/s type of relationship once before and that was with an ex boyfriend which didn't work out at all and just left us both frustrated as he did try very hard at being a Dom and tried to give me what I needed but just couldn't quite manage it..he thought it was about pain and only pain and I couldn't make him understand that there was so much more to it. Anyway, the man I am talking to now has alot more experience and I do want to try this out but the problem lies in that even though I am aware of where the boundaries of this relationship will be I am very afraid of eventually falling for this guy..the more we talk the more I like him..and when other things come into play in afraid all that will get much stronger..how can I keep that from happening?

I'll make it short.

Baby doll, I'd walk away from that.

You had me shaking my head at 'public figure'.

He wouldn't be married, by any chance? I mean, you sound as if there's no chance at the appearance of even a vanilla relationship....

I'd be like, oh hell no.

No no wives..current or ex's..no kids ..and no girlfriends at the moment.

Hello StarzNMyEyes, I hope that I'm able to provide you with at least a bit of guidance about what to do in this situation.

I agree with snaga2.0 in that I really don't think you should pursue a BDSM relationship with this person. I hate to be a downer, but there's no way to prevent yourself from falling for him save for not engaging with him any further. even if you are aware of your developing feelings for him, it is impossible for us as humans to stop these sorts of bonds from forming. And this will only get worse as you get closer, share more of yourself with him, and see more of his self in return. If he's already stressing the boundaries of your relationship with him and has outright stated that he is not interested in a romantic relationship with you and he wants to keep things strictly play, you owe it to him to not take this any further if you want anything else. It's not fair for you to tell him that you are okay with these relationship restrictions when you are not. That puts him in a very awkward spot when your feelings for him begin to manifest (and as you state you are already growing closer to him without submitting to him, once you submit to him these feelings will likely become far more powerful). It's also dishonest as you are not okay with the restrictions however much you want to be. And honesty is important in any relationship, but especially important in a D/s or BDSM relationship. Because trust comes from honesty, and if you don't trust your partner (or they don't trust you) then how can you submit to that person?

So, I think you need to be honest with your prospective partner about the fact that you are developing feelings for him and see what he thinks of that. If he's okay with it, then you might end up in a deeper sort of D/s relationship than he initially planned and one that will be more satisfying for both of you. If not, then at least you were honest and can hopefully remain friends or at least acquaintances. But founding a relationship on a lie by omission really doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

Additionally, if this person is a "public figure" and this needs to be a secret relationship, that presents a further wrinkle. I share snaga2.0's concern that this person might be married, otherwise why does this relationship need to be a secret? So, is he married StarzNMyEyes? If he is, then however much you like him (and however much he likes or says he likes you) you need to back off. You're worth more than being a sidepiece. Plus, if he's really all that public I don't see how he can keep his relationship with you a secret permanently. It will eventually come out. All secrets do. It might be weeks, months, or years, but eventually someone will find out. And then what happens? Is he going to throw you under the bus and stop the relationship? Is he just going to phase himself out of your life? Could you deal with that?

This really sounds like a bad proposition StarzNMyEyes. However appealing this man is I highly recommend that you look elsewhere. You might not find a partner who is as rich or famous (in your community) but I guarantee you you'll likely find one who is able to be in a more satisfying relationship with you than this man. snaga2.0 hit the nail on the head. This one's a pass for me.

Best of luck and best wishes with finding a satisfying relationship with someone else,

-MJH