Reaching out to an ex

Hello,
A question: my ex boyfriend and I broke up about seven months ago. He broke up with me, but I think it came from his own insecurity issues. He used to say things like "I love you a lot more than you love me", "you have terrible taste because you date me" and "you would never marry me." I was his first serious girlfriend (he's in his mid-20s) and for most of the relationship, things were really good. When we hit the eight month mark, he definitely started pushing me away and then finally ended things. I do believe he has both Avoidant and Dependent traits. He depends solely on his roommate for everything in his life- social interaction, dating, everything. When he dated me, he depended on me. He was also extremely hyper-sensitive and would withdraw a lot.

I really do still love him, because I understand where he's coming from. I suffered some abuse when I was young and it made me push people away for a long time. After getting therapy, I was finally able to let someone in. We've talked some since our breakup. He told me that he still loved me and misses me, but NEVER reaches out. When we first started dating, I had to make ALL the first moves and he finally opened up to me and it became more of a partnership. Is it normal for avoidants not to reach out- in fear of rejection? Or am I just lying to myself?

Thanks for any insight!
-S

To answer your question, yes it is normal for avoidants to not reach out. But, my guess is that he is not doing so because of fear of rejection, but due to fear of intimacy. He is likely afraid of being vulnerable in a connected romantic relationship, and probably afraid of being connected emotionally in any type of relationship. Unless he has gone to therapy and worked on his emotional issues, the same dynamic will happen again in your relationship with him. I would say the best that you could do is to tell him your feelings, but to also protect yourself from becoming emotionally involved again with someone who is not capable of reciprocating those emotions. Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but it's my best advise for what you have described here. 

Thanks! It is what I feared, but I think you're correct. I've told him that I still love him, but I do realize that I need to move on. It hurts, but I feel like you have to want to get help to get better. I don't think he would accept my advice for therapy.

I think that is is normal for people with AvPD to not reach out. I always push people away that get close to me. But, it's like a push/pull thing. I push them away and then I want them to come back. Sometimes I just want them to tell me "no." I want them to fight for me..
Maybe your ex wants you back.. but needs you to come to him. I think if you still love him and want him in your life and he still loves you, then you should go for it. Fight for him. He needs you to come to him. Therapy isn't the answer to all problems. I personally do not feel that therapy would be beneficial to dealing with my AvPD at all. If he doesn't want to go to therapy, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want help. Yes, if you got back together another episode/pushing away might happen.. But that is the life of an avoidant. It will always be a bumpy road. But I understand if you don't want to get back into it. If you are okay with letting him go and feel that it is in your best interest to move on, then you should do so. Hope it all works out for you. :]

Here's my 2 cents...you don't say how long you were together, but I think if you love the guy you could put yourself out there one more time. But I would make it clear to him that he has to come to you. Like you're there for him if he wants. If he is avoidant it will be difficult for him but doable, if he loves and misses you. If you were to do this you would have to be prepared for more possible rejection tho. You need to be your own first priority.