Went out with co workers..

I sort of got trapped yesterday going out for a drink with a co worker. There is a bar right next to my workplace. And it went just as badly as one might imagine.

- how can anyone like going to a bar! People were talking over me, reaching for beers.. the seats / stools were insanely uncomfortable. I am horse today from yelling at my friend. She couldn't hear 1/2 of what I said.

- my friend insisted I have a beer... so I had some... then someone brought us two more and then she wanted me to drink that... noooooo. And my friend just wouldn't stop. At all. Drink that beer. Drink it.

- So my friend is seriously pretty and some guy got himself a crush on her and just didn't care that I was sitting there. Also he was the most creepy guy. Looked like charles manson -- but older ok, but he kept interrupting us to talk to her...drunk. She LOVED it. When we got up to leave - we had to catch a boat... he was all, don't be scared... no we have to go.

I know the answer is that people want to get drunk, my friend had 3 beers, but after 1/2 hour I had to pee and there was a big line, and I was utterly miserable most of the hour. I can't understand why anyone would like it.

I don't like going to bars either. If I went to a pub for a meal with friends, that would be ok, but I'm not into going just to have drinks. Triggers my anxiety too much with all the people. I get paranoid that people are watching me- and alcohol just multiplies that effect.

I would have wanted to leave after the creepy guy came up to you too.

I went to a bar once. Because it had a pool table. And my roommate pretty much dragged me there. It was no fun. Some drunk guy got all mad over something in the pool game. Never went to a bar again. Being around people who have been drinking is creepy. My mother drank and her moods shifted very quickly. She would be nice one minute and then raving the next.

I avoid going to this type of places. Mostly if they are noisy and crowded. My head starts spinning to everywhere and to any noise I hear, any loud voice, and then I can't take my eyes off my surroundings; it's hell. The rare cases I felt slightly comfortable on bars I was alone and they were with few people, or when I got company and my companions were gentle [back at my school days] and kept me distracted enough so I wouldn't notice my anxiety and the movement on the building.

Bars can potentially be a great time IMO depending on the group you go out with and what their goal is for the night. My last 4 years were at college bars, where the goal was to get F"d up and hookup. My experiences were very similiar to yours last night, I think. College bars were a hostile, aggresive, and competitve enviornment at my school; it (the fun or action i guess) centered around trivial fights. It was reality show type drama every night. And it is dumfounding but the trivial drama is what poeple called fun. Anways, I thought this type of social interaction was shallow and primative so I started avoiding bar nights. BTW, does that make me pompous? I definitley acted superior when I went to bars or parties because I was nervous and I know I earned a reputation as being pompous as a result, but I never thought I was better than anyone I just thought everyone was better than this type of behavior. I think with the exception of one or two people nobody knew the real me then, they only know the character I played in social situations; I've hit a low point though and I don't bother putting on the act anymore. I've noticed it is turning some friends off (no worries though, they are not true friends anyway).

Sorry, I'm going off track, I always do. I have a solid, eclectic group of friends I can go to the bars with now and have a great time. We are going out to have our common def. of fun, and we are open minded about what that means each night. If you are going out with friends who have an individual goal in mind, like finding a girl to hook up with, a person with AVPD is going to feel isolated and alone and not have any fun IME. Social outings, and everything else group oriented I guess, are alot more fun with individuals who share a common goal but approach it from different angles.

I get what you mean. I never went to any college parties, and I really don't drink at all, so bars just never really seem like a great place for me to be. But, I've gone with my friend twice to this bar she goes to normally, and I've had a pretty good time both times. There were definitely a lot of times when things got really awkward- I was left out of the conversation for minutes at a time, some weird old guy tried to buy me a drink, and I got to watch my friend's friend get hit on and get looks all night while everyone else ignored me. Going out doesn't exactly do wonders for my self-esteem, but if I can manage to focus on being with my friend, then it's not so bad.

addendum: I've just come back from a night at the bars, and even though I was with the right group the night was terrible and here's why: I ran into a girl I've known for 3-4yrs, at one point she had a crush on me, and we were having a nice, fluid conversation. I thought I was doing great until a friend of mine came over and this girl I was talking to said something like (about me) he's so shy, I've never heard him talk so much, etc. And then her and my friend had a convo about how shy I was for 10+ min while I was standing there part of the convo! After that I shut off completely. I didn't talk to her or my friend or even make eye contact, I was soo angry. I guess even with the right group there are other factors that can ruin a night and your confidence. I've put alot of work into socializing and was making progress, but this has sent me back to square one. Maybe I'm still too sensitive to progress.

[quote="alwaysalone"Going out doesn't exactly do wonders for my self-esteem, but if I can manage to focus on being with my friend, then it's not so bad.[/quote]

See maybe the real rub is that once again, this person I went with is not a friend. I don't know why I went other than, I kind of felt I had no choice. I had told her some confidential information that morning, in the workplace, and she was so excited about it she called me up... unexpectedly and asked if I could join her for lunch. When I said no to that... she asked about the drink... I felt I had no way to get out of it. And I also thought she wanted to gossip about it. I mean she isn't a bad person and not untrustworthy but, she doesn't really understand what a friendship is really - in the way I do.

I also figured I could leave after about 45 minutes but no, she kept pushing for me to leave exactly when she wanted me to (2 hours later). I have been out to a bar before with real friends and although the noise and issues are better, I think they always are more considerate and everything is just better. Although they still want me to drink. I think I am going to spread the rumor I am an alcoholic because seriously apparently you cannot say you don't like to drink anymore.

It is really strange though, perhaps as an AVPD we just don't get it but, if you are looking to have people come up to you and just start talking ... go to a bar. This other girl came up and just started talking to us about how cheap the beers were and how she loves them and I am thinking -- why are you talking to us and my friend there just starts talking back, as if we came with this girl. And of course, I wouldn't have a CLUE what a beer cost if you paid me so I had nothing to add.

Too many triggers in bars, i cant even stand being around people who drink. I used to drink for self medication. People true nature come out when drinking, its pretty ugly to me.

granfalloon wrote:I never thought I was better than anyone I just thought everyone was better than this type of behavior.

That is an excellent way of putting it.
Short and sweet. >:-D

-- Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:55 am --

granfalloon wrote:And then her and my friend had a convo about how shy I was for 10+ min while I was standing there part of the convo! After that I shut off completely. I didn't talk to her or my friend or even make eye contact, I was soo angry.

I've been there, brother.
And I know exactly how you feel.

Did they notice your displeasure?