need advice!

I’ll try and keep this succinct because it is 4:30am and afraid this might sound rantish. Anyways, here goes. I happened to stumble upon APD on wikipedia tonight, and after reading various website sources about it, I was shocked with how accurately it described me; my perception of myself, my interactions with others, my life in general. I’m aware of the obvious problems with self-diagnosis, but I can’t help but be convinced this time around. I’m 20, third year of university, have felt this way since early high school. I’ve seen several cognitive therapists, presumably because I had social anxiety or depression. However, I never felt like either truly described my situation so in every instance I was pretty much told to go home or that I suffer from some generalized anxiety disorder. I just wasn’t depressed enough to be depressed or inhibited enough to have social anxiety. In the meanwhile, this condition has been ruining my youth. While establishing relationships isn’t usually a problem, actually maintaining them or finding some sort of equilibrium in them has proved impossible. Even for people ostensibly my good friends, social interactions are a chore more than anything else. I usually try to keep my interactions on a one-on-one basis in which I can feel some measure of control. Alcohol is pretty much required for larger group situations. Almost every social interaction, whether a phone call or party, is followed by endless exhaustive self-examination and self-criticism, despite how much I tell myself “this time I really wont care what others think” I feel like the only reason I attempt to maintain a social life at all is to keep the appearance that everything is normal and alright in my life. Hopefully if I do so long enough ill actually delude myself into believing it is. Needless to say, relations with woman have been equally troubled, usually consisting of casual type affairs. The one “serious” relationship I can think of (about a month) was aided heavily by the use of Ativan and alcohol to relax me and help loosen my tongue and collect my thoughts. Not surprisingly, this also contributed to the end of that relationship as I got extremely intoxicated from combing both one night and acted like an ass. Of course, she could never understand that a lot of what I did was just in self-defense of my ego. One of the biggest problems I find is online chat like MSN and AOL, which allow me the distance and time to properly collect and express my thoughts. It’s such a disappointment to see these people in person or even talk on the phone and be unable to act like my articulate online self. . .
Anyways, I’ve wasted enough of your time, any advice for treatment, your expirences, or just tips for everyday life would be greatly greatly appreciated.
Thanks

i think self diagnosis is great. i think i'm avoidant but i really cant see myself seeing anyone about it and getting treatment. sorry that's not great advice.

youve mightve read it but under the Announcement: Avoidant Personality Disorder Resource Center bit it has a bit on treatment goals...

"the more functional personality style of the avoidant personality disorder is the "sensitive personality style." These individuals are comfortable with the familiar, stay close to family and a limited number of friends, care what others think about them, are cautious and deliberate in dealing with others, and maintain a courteous, polite interpersonal reserve. Within their own homes and with friends, they are warm, giving, open and creative. The implication is that these individuals can develop rewarding relationships and live with interpersonal connectedness while not pressuring themselves to be excessively outgoing. They do not have to be extroverted to avoid isolation."
i like this because it seems kinda realistic and do-able

also i can relate to having great conversations on msn and them not transfering to real life. i did deal with it well once with meeting someone in person by warning them excessively that it would be really awkward and that i was probably much uglier and more boring than they thought. it actually worked out really well so long as all concerned expected it to be uncomfortable.

you said that the only reason u attempt to maintain a social life is so things appear normal. i dont know if that's a completely bad thing, my biggest problem is with the initial contact and for me it's easier to maintain a friendship rather than start one.

...and my tip for everyone is to figure out who you are and what you like and how you think and what affects you, and read good books, listen to good music, watch good movies and get opinions on stuff so you dont lose your sense of self when you're with other people (okay that's probably a no-brainer for everyone but it wasnt for me)

yeah, i probably didnt express myself well enough. what i really meant, was that i ruin most relationships by my inability to function properly in person or even on the phone. msn and other socializations at a distance are really crutches i use to keep things together, or try to.

ok, fair enough, all i can say is that you aren't the only one that has problems with being social... clearly

A little weird, but I just found out about avoidant personality disorder on wikipedia today as well. I've always known I was socially inept, riddled with anxiety to the point where I can feel my heart race, my hands quiver in the most simple social situations. But I never read anything that described me so precisely. Just so I can make it through the day, I often plan out the most casual conversations I know I'll have to endure inevitably at work. I make up so many reasons why I've never really kept any level of intimacy in relationships (male or female) or why I keep certain acquaintaines at a distance. Anyone who tries to keep in touch with me I always kind must be a loser also (I mean, why else would anyone want to deal with me?) I mean, sure I know some of it has to do with growing up with an emotionally unstable mother who physically abused my sisters, an older sister who tried to commit suicide twice because of it and I and a father who was never really present to deal with it all because he worked 16-hour days.

But these reasons always seems like excuses when I try to analyze myself (and oh how I've tried) because I feel that if I'm self-aware enough to know where the problems came from then I should be at least on the path to fixing them, right? Nothing could be further from the truth. It's to the point where I'm sure if I continue this way I'll easy become a recluse. And yes there's therapy but I have issues with that because 1. I don't know if I can actually expose myself truthfully to someone else. 2. I'm no Tom Cruise on the subject but I do have my qualms with American psychiatry in general, I don't believe in popping pills for any ol' ache or upset- I don't want to just treat the symptoms, I want to get to the root of it. 3. I believe that my problem is not only personal but societal- modern day life in this country helps breed an atmosphere of paranoia, constant self-critique (or self-deprecating narcissism maybe?), inferiority complexes, loneliness, depression and a driving need to be liked and accepted. But I have to do something!-even to write this passage down is a labored task- editing and editing and editing (because of course I don't want to sound stupid, or trivial, or be misrepresented or (as you can imagine, this list can go on and on.) My head is a lonely and torturous place to be.

And so because I'm so wary of getting therapy I've tried doing creative things like start going to dance classes (I got so good I even joined a troupe), going to the gym and getting physically healthy and strong, I tried theater in college just because it required one to be uninhibited and take risks but no matter how long I go, I always end up completely lonely in a room full of strangers.

Sorry for the long rant...