What's Your Story- Introduce Yourself

I'm Rachael. I'm 18 years old, and I am at the end of my rope. Last year, I was diagnosed with AvPD, though I'd been suspecting it for quite a while before that. That came on top of a diagnosis of PDD-NOS (an autism spectrum disorder, for those who are curious). Currently, my only friends are people I've met online, and only three of those friends are people I actually trust in any significant way. Even then, I'm constantly terrified of them finding some reason to reject me. It's what happens every time I start becoming more confident; I say or do something stupid, people insult and reject me, and the little self-esteem I have crumbles back into dust.

I desperately want, no, need to get help, but I'm too afraid of my therapist to open up enough for her to help at all. I feel like I'm doomed to failure because I can't get help if I don't become more trusting, but I can't become more trusting unless I get help. Some days (today, for example), the pain of living like this is so much that I just want to end it all. I certainly have the means to do so, but not the courage.

I want to get help so, so badly, but I don't feel like I can. I joined here so that I can feel like I have at least some support.

Hi I am G_O, a male in his mid 30s. I thank the nice person who told me about this forum.

ORIGINS
I was a very shy child who at some point became AVP.

DIAGNOSIS
I was originally treated for some vague depression and anxiety like symptoms. I Stopped seeing my therapist (was never totally honest with him anyway), lost/quit my job and eventually figured suicide was in my future. I figured I would gave the professionals one last chance, vowing to be completely honest with them this time. I expected failure that crush all hope and provide the motivation to end it all. So I was actually honest, and then got a bit ticked off that docs weren't doing the few things I actually did like. I can get all passionately worked up about a cause I believe is morally right. That was probably my salvation. I accidentally stumbled across an article on APD online and knew that was my problem. It was the only thing that ever both accurately described my symptoms and predicted my behaviors. So I became more assertive in getting the sort of treatment I wanted. This took over a decade of hard work, often little or no progress happening for long stretches.

CURRENT STATUS
I am unemployed, and live with family. I receive government assistance (Social Security Disability). I take medication for both depression and anxiety. I am relatively stable. In the past few years I have even had moments of genuine happiness. I am extremely lonely though. I only have a few friend type people in my life and sometimes go weeks without having any contact with them.

GOALS
I really want to make friends or maybe even get into a relationship or some sort. It occurred to me that other people with AVP might be more able to understand my need to withdraw, and not freak out at oddities of my behavior. It's a long shot at best. People always tell me no. But my mood is on an upswing at the moment and some small level of rejection wouldn't be catastrophic. therefore, I am taking a chance.

MISC
I worry I come across as more confident than I really am, or that I will make other people feel bad. I may not have clearly thought this post through, but I just want it to be over with, so I am gonna hit submit.

Hi, I'm Cameron and I'm 24. I've appaerently had AvPD since I was really young but have never sought professional help. Now I'm working my way through college trying to get my Bachelor's in Psychology and currently I'm trying to find a part-time job and also start applying to graduate school. It's been a very stressful month for me and I just needed to be able to talk to others who are going through similar experiences. I've never had many friends, only 2 really close friends, but they've both moved out of the state. I've never been in a relationship. I get along with my family alright (except for my brother) but I'm trying not to involve myself much with them currently so that I can try to do some things that I need to do on my own. Anyway, glad to be here and thanks for reading.

Hi, I'm Omega_infinity... I've been almost diagnosed with AvPD amongst other things. Currently my status (and psychfile) holds up that I have Asperger's syndrome, ADD and a slight case of bipolar. I'm currently trying to get referal for PTSD like symptoms... but that's not really relevant for this thread I guess.

Anyhow; Quite often people say AvPD-like behaviour is exhibited in people with autism, and that might be right. That's probably why I don't have a specific AvPD diagnosis.

But clearly AvPD is a factor by itself for which a therapist wasn't really able to tell me much since it's been attributed to autism, which actually is neurological and no personality disorder as such. Autism can be done with counseling and guidance to some extent, but because I've been in and out of the loop a lot (I've dropped out 5 times from college/uni and managed to dodge problems and chain new enlistments in courses pretty much back to back for years; I showed my face for about a week and got totally stressed and burnt out never to show my face again), as well as visiting therapists for ongoing depression, which I hardly link to my AvPD nature, I couldn't been pinpointed early on.

My big problem due to comorbid problems in fact is not only that I have a degree of social awkwardness and "disability" to mix in... or what some would call social anxiety, fact is my brain doesn't process it like a lot of people. That's how the autistic brain "misprocesses" stuff... it's not a neurological disorder (though I don't know if I should call it a disorder; I personally function fine with it on my own; it's society where I fail to be functional) for nothing I guess.

Ok here goes...

First off I haven't been diagnosed with anything and didn't even know what AvPD was till 8 days ago but the more and more i read on here the more likely it seems.I know I should have my life in order now, I'm 42 and live alone in a small country town in NSW Australia. I started working when I was 16 and have been at the same place for 25 yrs and live in constant fear that one day I will have to leave my sanctuary and go and find another job. The thought of having to deal with new people, strangers as well, terrifies me. I hate talking to people, I'm always worried about what to say and stumble and trip over words trying to make small talk. If I do fumble my way thru a conversation I go over and over it word for word worrying about what I said, or what I should have said. I know this sounds stupid but I can remember specific conversations I've had right back to when I was a kid and still play them over and over in my mind. Phone calls are a nightmare and I can make myself sick worrying when I have to ring someone, and once again I go over and over them in my mind as well.
My private life would be boring for most people but I'm more than happy to not see or talk to anyone outside work hours. I do go to the supermarket but scan the horizon before leaving the car for people I know and avoid them at all costs. I'm always alert in public for anyone I might bump into and go out of my way to miss them. The best invention ever was Internet banking that's made my life so much easier. New places bother me a LOT, if I have to go to another town I have to google map it until its burnt into my brain from the fear of not being able to find something and have to ask for directions. I have family close by and they have accepted I'm just quiet and don't bother me at all about it, I visit them each week to make sure they don't come to my house. I only have one close friend who doesn't live close so we only get to see each other a few times a year but that's enough for me. I've cut people out of my life, as soon as someone looks like getting too friendly or close to me I close up and go cold. Sad really, it's not their fault. Meeting new people is like a nightmare for me, I don't know what to say, I never ask people questions because i think that they would be thinking I'm being nosy or rude so its up to them to ask me then I just give one word answers mostly. My idea of a great weekend, even though I work Sundays, is to stay home with my dog and watch the world go by.
I did an online test recently, well I did it a few times over a few days and it shows avoidant at 90 %, not sure how accurate it is but after reading on here it makes sense..

Thanks for reading, hope it doesn't sound stupid haha

Good evening (or whatever time of day it is where you are), my name's not actually Chris and nor am I all that casual, but that's my name on here. Now it comes to actually writing this I feel really short of stuff to say but I shall plow on anyway.

So background then. Well I'm 21, male, from London where I currently live and study. I've read many many different threads on here and basically thinking "yeah, I do that/am like that" almost every single time, and therefore decided to make this my first post.

I have one real "friend", who is currently becoming more and more distant from me. I will never ask this person if they want to do anything even though we actually live together, due to the fact that if the answer was "no" for a legitimate reason, the perceived rejection would crush me, and this coming from someone who is supposedly close to me, or at least was. I don't actually have a huge problem with speaking to people in college, and my course is mainly female populated, but I genuinely have no idea how to "make friends" as it were. By that I mean I have no capability to turn small-talk and chit-chat into actual social interaction outside of class. Again, possible rejection would mortify me

As a result of this, I don't spend time with anybody outside of college hours, mainly I am staring at the screen on which these words are being typed, idly browsing the net or imagining various social situations in which I am way cooler/better looking/more successful than I (feel) that I am. I tend to take this imagining to a pretty extreme level, often involving either people (mainly girls) from my past who I was hurt by or liked, and also even girls who I "know" but don't actually speak to.

I have this cringe-worthy (well maybe not to you guys) habit of basically imaging myself in pretty serious long-term relationships with people who I may have seen for literally even 2 minutes, and also again, people who are in my classes but I don't really chat to. Fantasising in this way is a double-edged sword really; it makes me feel better some times but also, I know it's pretty unhealthy.

I tend to become massively attached to people very quickly. some may call it "clingy". I will become super paranoid if a text is not replied to instantly or someone doesn't reply on fb chat etc...and assume that they must therefore hate me with a passion. This trait has not helped a great detail in my past attempts at relationships with the ladies, as it comes across as pretty creepy and insecure, but I just can't help it.

At this point in my life I genuinely feel I have nobody to talk to about this, and there are many other "traits" that I could type out, but you all know them anyway and this is just an introduction after all. Or maybe I'm just putting it off/procrastinating for fear of failure or judgement at not being adequately able to describe how I feel.

Hi. I'm 38, female and have always felt like an alien.
Being around people is draining. I see everyone as superior to me.I'm constantly watching how they act, thinking about what I should say, worried about saying the wrong thing, trying to look confident and pretending to appear to behave the way others do, that I'm totally exhausted afterwards. Sometimes my mind will shut down during, and i feel separate from my body, as if something else is controlling me, not me. This can be casual conversation, but is especially worse if its personal. I stumble over my words and rarely feel like I made sense when I talk to others, especially if they asked me something.
After talking with people, I'm analyzing the whole thing which is exhausting too.
I rarely am able to identify my feelings past words like stressed, overwhelmed, feel good, feel not so good, tired and guilty.
I am often able to write my thoughts out, but can't seem to organize them into speech, unless I've rehearsed.
I've had relationships, but only one really good one. He was way too good for me, and I pushed him away but regret it to this day.
Current relationship, there's alot of things I don't like about him, and we both push each other away often. I think I keep letting him come back because he is familiar. But I can't be around him too much, even after 4 years. I have to have my alone time. Not sure I could ever be married again.
I struggle with depression often. Never suicidal, I'd just rather hide from life. Often, I sleep to turn off my head. I think if I didn't have obligations, I could sleep a week at a time.
I hate answering the phone, visitors, and anything unplanned.
I often want to do things, but almost always back out at the last minute.
I hate people watching me, I always feel like they are criticizing what I'm doing. I hate for someone to tell me how to do something. It makes me feel like they think I'm stupid.
I never ever ever like attention, for birthdays, or any achievements.
I procrastinate everything if I can get away with it without anyone noticing. If it'll call attention to me if I don't do it, then I will.
At school, I did well, not enough to get attention but good enough not to get any negative attention.
At work, I work hard; that way people can't chat with me. I never call in sick, I'm never able to make the call. Unfortunately, I've moved up in my job and am now so stressed with how much I have to talk to other professionals and pretend to be professional that I'm constantly wore out.
Thanks for reading.

Hi, I'm Jason. I'm 17, and I am currently living abroad.

I've sneaked a peak at my psychiatrist's reports, and he cannot decide whether I have Avoidant Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder... or both. So I'm assuming I have both.

I wasn't surprised though. Ever since I started school, I always had issues. I remember in kindergarten, I had a habit of asking my only friend whether she was my friend that day. Eventually the answer became a consistent no.

Throughout elementary, I made attempts to talk to the kids in my class. But in the end, I kept getting rejected, so I became a bookworm. I started to incorporate the aspects of the traditional hero in books into my own personality, and it still persists to this day.

My dad wasn't around, so I made my own father figure in my head to follow. This ended up staying with me as well, but now people get annoyed because I kinda act like a parent at times.

Middle school, sixth grade was a time when I was completely isolated by my classmates. I became a crybaby, and I was bullied. In seventh grade, I moved to Bogota, Colombia, and my dad started to see us more often. But because of the fact that he was gone, I didn't (and still don't) get along with him. In Colombia, I was bullied in groups, and I had no friends. I became a loner, walking around, listening to music from an iPod. At one point, I snapped, and became violent. That year, I got into 7 fights. The next, 2.

I moved to Mexico for high school. There, it was slightly different. Many people disliked me, but there were some that really liked me. My loner habit persisted, but I soon became someone that people would come up to for advice about matters of life.

I moved to Ecuador for my junior year where I'm living now. But everyone in this place seems to hate me. I feel unwanted, generally, and people assume I'm a weak nerd, despite my history of fighting.

Many of my psychologists and psychiatrists have been baffled by me. I'm weird to them, kind of outside of the usual case.

My whole life, I've tried to accept being alone. Being disliked, hated. But I just can't. I just want friends, so badly. I want to meet someone that can understand me, and share my view. That's why I came here, I think. To search for that person.

Thanks for reading.

Hello, my name’s Gintare and I’m 21. I’m from Lithuania, hence the slightly unusual name and my mediocre English. I hope you can bear with that... Now about me:

I was always a rather shy girl, but it seems that with years that shyness progressed into something extreme. Now I know that that ‘something’ got a name. AVPD. I’ve been diagnosed with it just a few days ago, but it was always there. I’ve been struggling by myself for many years thinking that something was very wrong with me, but I guess I was just too embarrassed to tell anyone. I was managing all right throughout the high school. It was by no means easy, but bearable. I was always an outsider. It was not like people were actively bullying me, but I was never accepted as one of their own. I would try and talk with my classmates, but I would always say something wrong and then beat myself over it. I can still remember those moments when I would say something and then everyone would fall silent and look at me like I was some kind of a freak. That made me feel tense and self conscious all the time, dreading to say or do something wrong and have people staring or, god forbid, laughing at me.

After finishing school it seemed that suddenly my whole world just crumbled down and I was left standing completely alone in the middle of nowhere. I was accepted into the university to study law. And that meant leaving everybody and everything I knew behind and starting to live on my own. After the first year I left, saying that law was just not my thing. Basically I just chose to ignore the reality and managed to convince myself that it was just a wrong choice of the career path and nothing more.

Last September I started to study Publishing. I always loved reading and writing, so it seemed like a logical choice, like something that I was going to enjoy. Instead my life became something horrible. It was like my eyes finally opened. I reached a breaking point where I couldn’t pull myself together and stay strong anymore. I couldn’t ignore all those stupid, unreasonable quirks and flaws of mine and believe that they were just natural parts of my personality. I started to see myself as some kind of a weak, sick, defected, pathetic excuse of a human being.

Every single minute of being in the university around other people was like pure torture. I couldn’t eat or write in front of anyone. I was afraid to look people in their eyes. Every time when someone spoke to me or sometimes even looked at me it felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest and my hands were shaking like mad.

Honestly, I felt like some green-shinned alien most of the time. I would walk the corridors staring at the floor, imagining how everyone was looking at me, whispering what a freak I am, pointing fingers and laughing. I would look at people around me, trying to see any signs that they were thinking about me and were about to point out my flaws so that anyone could see them. Basically I just felt like a lamb in a pack of wolves.

I was scared, lonely and totally miserable. But still trying to come up to someone and start a conversation was not an option. I would think about all possible outcomes of such a simple action and every time the fear of rejection or maybe even mockery was too strong.

Eventually I stopped attending my classes because I just couldn’t bring myself to leave home. I dropped out of the university once again, this time just after four months. I was a wreck by then. I couldn’t sleep or eat, or stop thinking. I hated myself like you wouldn’t believe and felt so embarrassed for failing one again. That was when I finally decided that enough was enough. I went to doctor and was diagnosed with depression. Opening up to my psychologist was one the hardest things I have ever done in my life. But it was a start and they say that the first step is always the hardest.

Now I spend my days at home, completely alone. I miss those two people that cared enough to try again and again to stay my friends even when all I did was pushing them away. I’m still pushing and I don’t know how to stop, because it’s the only way to make myself feel safe. Even if that safety comes in a package with unhappiness, longing, misery, self pity and depression, somehow I still can’t refuse it. I guess I’m an addict in a way.

And now you know more about me than anyone else in the whole world… It makes me feel more than a bit vulnerable, but also hopeful that there are some people out there who can really understand me. It gives me hope that maybe I’m not that alone after all.

Thanks for reading.

There was once a girl who had always felt a bit uncomfortable in her skin. It took her some time to realize that she didn't wear normal clothes like everybody else; she was wearing an armor made of iron. It was supposed to protect her, to make her feel safe, but it was also very, very heavy... When she tried to move in a way other people did, every move she made seemed mechanical, artificial and the girl thought that everyone around her is irritated by the metallic sound produced by her armor. So she would usually stay still, alone, dreaming about running, jumping, dancing, flying... When she tried to speak, her voice was merely audible through her close helmet. The armor was also cold, unlike other people's warm surface, but the girl was afraid that if she tried to warm up the metal, it would bring a danger of a skin burn. Sometimes it seemed to her that people weren't even aware that there was a human being inside the armor. Some, who had noticed that there was a heart beating inside that weird can, pitied her (”Why do you keep your armor on? Why don't you wear a nice dress instead, like a woman?”), which often restored the knight' s pride in her.
But of course, she wanted to take it off. If only she knew how to do it...


There was once a girl in a glass cube. It was like a snail's shell: she carried it everywhere she went. The difference was that she couldn't get her head outside that "house"; she was always watching the world through the wall made of glass. Inside, there was as much air as she needed to stay alive, but not enough to take a deep breath.
It was perfectly transparent - no one else knew about its existence, but people could see that, for some reason, girl's behavior was somewhat different. And the girl herself thought from time to time that the cube was only an illusion... but when there were any other people around her, she could only be next to them, near them, never with them - the glass walls of her cage, her home, prevented her from getting any closer to others.
Sometimes it seemed like the only way to break the glass cube was throwing it down through the window.