What's Your Story- Introduce Yourself

i've got to be honest here, since my first post i have been diagnosed borderline and antisocial. so i guess i won't be posting in this forum anymore but i just wanted you all to know that i think this is one of the best places i ever found on the internet and i really like you guys.

Having read a lot of the posts on here I can finally identify with how I am as a person. Am in my late 40s but as I get older I notice a change in my personality and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to change it. I know the way I act is off putting to other people so retreat more into my own world where I become obsessed with things as long as they don't involve dealing with people in person. I have awful black times when I plan how I am going to end it all (obviously I don't as I am still here ), I feel that everything that happens to me is payback for the awful things I have done during my life and that the only luck I have is bad - if I were to shoot myself I would probably miss.

I no longer enjoy socialising and haven't done for a very long time. My relationships start off okay but after a few months its as if a switch goes off in my and I lose all interest - just plod on wondering what went wrong. I do daft things without thinking of the consequences and am often vengeful on the spur of the moment which leads to more anxiety and problems than it solves.

In short, I often feel that something is wrong with my wiring as I don't seem to think the same as other people - life confuses me totally and I don't feel I fit in anywhere, not even with my closest family. Incidentally, I don't see them either - apart from my partner the only other people I see are the ones at work and the ones on the train every day. I don't want to be put on drugs or see anyone but would like to find somewhere where I can be open and honest and get some of these thoughts out of my head. That is why I am here

22 years old, college student, recently diagnosed with avpd. I've struggled through 4 years of college (technically 5 years since I took a year off for my mental health) with this- and its been absolute hell maintaining/ruining the vast majority of my friendships- most of which meant a lot to me. I'm excited to finally come across a group of people who suffer similarly to the way that I do, because this has been super hard to deal with alone and it doesn't make sense to most people.

Well, I guess you could say that I've self diagnosed myself tonight after reading the traits of APD and checking off nearly all of them, and I'm still trying to process it all. I'm at a point in my life where I'm unemployed and don't feel strong enough to look for work, but also cannot afford psychotherapy on my own, so I'm really freaking out. I feel so stuck.

I'm female, 26, and (by miracle) graduated with my bachelor's degree 2.5 years ago. I have made a few false attempts (moving to another city, traveling), but haven't really been able to start my life in the real world since then. Issues of self-doubt and extreme feelings of inferiority started to emerge after my first year of college, but they were there all along. School has never been a friendly, welcoming place for me, and as I don't recall any other major childhood traumas other than an absent father, I'm pretty certain that school is where it all started. In the second grade, I switched schools, and had such a terrible experience at the new school that I was baptized at 8 years old for the sole reason of being able to change to the only other school in my district, a Catholic school. I block memories, and don't recall what exactly happened, but I do know there was some bullying involved, and uncaring/generally bad teachers. This was also the time I started to become overweight. Around age 17 I developed an eating disorder, which I'm not sure I fully recovered from.

I've never been in an intimate or physical relationship. I don't really like physical contact, even hugging my own mother or telling her I loved her feels awkward and uncomfortable, and I've always felt like a freak for it. I don't think I was like that as a young child. I just assumed it was because I wasn't raised in a huggy "I love you" kind of family. I also used to think this was just because of my extreme body hang ups when it comes to not being intimate, confusion about my sexual orientation (which I also haven't felt able to confirm due to what I now believe to be AvPD)

I'm naturally quiet and introverted, but always had at least a few friends. I realize now that most of my friendships have been on a more superficial, or common situation basis (like college friends in the same program I was in). And save for one, none of these friendships would last, usually due to a falling out because I felt very hurt by something they said or did. I also don't really open up to friends the way I'm sure healthy, functioning people do when it comes to deep friendships. I once told a friend in middle school that I had been self-harming, and she completely rejected the conversation and acted like I never said anything, so I learned to not be too open. Since I wasn't experienced in love or sex or other intimate topics, I avoided them in conversation, which I was always sure made my friends wary of me and think I was hiding something.

Anyways, the past few years everything has come to a head. After graduating from school, moving to a different city and failing to find permanent work or a place to live, I had to move back in with my mother a year and a half ago, and soon after decided to go backpacking around Europe alone for a few months, I guess as a way to prove to myself that I could do something independently. And while it's cliche to "find yourself" when doing such a trip, in solo travel I was confronted with all my issues like a slap in the face, and it was devastating to have spent all the money I saved, go to amazing places, and be so unhappy through it all. I came back home jobless, unable to relate to my college friends who were living their full post-grad lives, and for the most part don't see or speak to all but one of them now. I have EXTREME anxiety about starting my career, as I am not confident in my field at all, but I feel the longer I wait, the harder it will be to get one. The harder it will be to explain a 3 year absence from the working world to potential employers.

Sorry for the novel, but that's at least part of my story. All I hope to achieve is independence and the ability to be close and intimate with people. And to stop feeling "not good enough"

I'm twenty-six years old and I think its a good possibility that I have some anxiety related disorder. Never been tested for avpd or sa. I don't have a lot trust in people and sometimes feel I can't really relate to them. I was raised by an overprotective mother and an over controlling father(lives six hours away) who always criticizes me. My mother has been asking me to see someone for a while now.

My problems started in the fifth grade, it was my first year in the public school system. It was also my first year being in classes for people with learning disabilities. My classmates were mean and I retaliated back at them. Teacher then told me that I was a horrible person for it and that my problems with my classmates were my own fault. The same teacher even had me moved away from the class lunch table for little things I did. Middle school I was daily harassed by my peers. By the end of my school years I had built a steel cage around myself to block anyone from getting in.

I have a wonderful sister that I have avoided for three years(we live 10 mins away) because I'm afraid she will hate me for avoiding her. She only gets to see me when my brother is down for the holidays and gets me to go with him to visit. She knows I have issues and every year she still doesn't hate me. She deserves a better sister then me.

Hi, this is my first time posting here, I'm a little nervous. I was recently diagnosed with AvPD.
My name is Kimmi, I'm eighteen, living in Canada. I'm currently studying Mathematics and Sciences.
I suffered a lot of emotional and physical abuse starting from the age of 5yo. For as long as I can remember I've felt like I my personality turns people away. I can't imagine why anyone would see anything good in me, but I'm working on that.

I suffer mainly from social anxiety and feelings of ridiculous inadequacy. It has been difficult for me to make friends and interact with people without feeling anxious and having panic attacks. Although I can be difficult to approach, I try to be as nice as I can. I sometimes feel overly attached to people and dependent on them for happiness, and am generally drawn to people who are aggressive and controlling (I understand this is unhealthy.) I am very introverted, shy, and quiet. I love playing video games, reading, cooking, and astronomy.

I really am looking forward to learning more about my disorder and seeing how other people deal with problems I commonly face. I'm new to this website too, so I hope I'm doing things properly (but sorry in advance if I'm not).

Thank you for reading!

Hey everybody,

I'm a 26 y.o. male, though I tell everyone I'm 25. I've been in/out of therapy and on/off meds to varying degrees since I was 7, mostly for ADHD then for depression around 16. In the last couple months, my newest dumbfounded therapist finally conferred with his colleagues who came to the consensus that I have AvPD - perusing a list of symptoms was like reading my own autobiography. I'm not sure how beneficial having a diagnosis will be, but at least it led me to a community like this, for which I have to be thankful.

Things have been pretty dark for me in the last 6 months, though they've been bad since I was 18. I quit my job that served as my primary source of a social life when I couldn't take being ineffective and terrified of my coworkers all day long, so I've been unemployed and isolated since. My girlfriend, who was the first person in years to truly 'get' me and with whom I fell deeply in love, left the area for a job in June, and just last week told me she wasn't returning and had lost interest in me. I have no one around with whom I feel comfortable, am terrified to leave my house most of the time, and I've lost the ability to discern when I'm actually enjoying something. I feel trapped as I need to complete the last couple credits of my Neuroscience degree, but can't afford school without a job, but can't get a job because I'm terrified of people.

Having hit rock bottom, I'm beginning to feel like I can see my real problems and maladaptive habits with clarity and lucidity. I hope that I can find a way out of this hell with a newfound ambition and with the help of the people in these groups.

Hi, I'm Anne, I'm 20 years old and started in college last year, I am now in my second year. I found out I have AvPD last year, well, self-diagnosed it. Most of the symptoms of AvPD apply to me. Since starting college I haven't made any friends, no one ever starts talking to me and I wouldn't even dream of starting a conversation with someone. I tried once and it just ended up really awkward, i don't think that person really wanted to talk to me. The other thing is that I am a very passive person and literally live in my own world, in my mind, where everything is nice and rosy and I am not as worthless and uninteresting. Because I don't have any friends I have no one to tell about how hard I find the college life and worry that if I tell someone they will just laugh telling me that I am lazy and need to work harder, but I have no motivation or dreams to work harder. What people tell me is to try and make contact with people, join clubs in the college, but no one really realizes that for me it would be nearly impossible. I am always arguing with my mother because she when she wants me to make a phone call I usually refuse and she doesn't believe me that I find it extremely difficult to make phone calls. Everyone just brands me lazy and I started to believe that I am just lazy and worthless. I am happy I found people who have similar problems.

Hi there,

My names Joe, im 20 and I am currently at University in my third year. I have realised since being at University that I am useless in social situations. But it seems as if my issues do not fit the stereotype, I loved school, and was fairly popular, and still have close friends and a girlfriend from school.

However since being at university I have made no friends, there is no-one on my course that I could text for a drink etc, and every month since being here I have told myself it'll change, 2 and half years later nothing has, and I think it is because of the following reasons, some of you will probably hate me for this next bit.

I have been told throughout my life Im attractive, Im not vein and am certainly not a 'jock', but I believe I have coasted through life on this, I literally feel like I have no personality, I have no hobbies and no skills, this has only become apparent at university where everyone seems to 'find themselves.' And now I cannot hold a conversation with anyone, even someone who has things in common with me (music etc) and it is completely demoralising. After a bit of research I believe I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, I am petrified of making a fool of myself in social situations and am longing to start a new friendship, however every time there is an opportunity to do so I make an excuse why I shouldn't.

Anyway a bit of a ramble, let me know what you think,
Thanks, Joe.

Yo.

I'm a 24 y.o. guy, going on 25 pretty soon. I self diagnosed sometime last year when i first discovered what AvPD was. The associated symptoms and behaviors fit me exactly, and i was actually kinda relieved to finally discover an accurate explanation for why i'm the way i am.

I have friends no longer, currently live with my mom, and have basically wasted my life for the past 5 yrs. I graduated in the top of my class in H.S., attended a uni and then dropped out after the 1st yr because of my excruciating fear of having to be social. I convinced myself that i wasn't good enough to be where i was, that i wasn't "normal" like everyone else. Since then maintaining employment has proven equally difficult, and consequently my pitiful excuse for a life has been a downward slope ever since.

Because of my innate fear of not being "good enough" i have extremely low self esteem to the point that i'm convinced i could never be successful at reaching any imperative life goal. So instead i daydream about being someone important, accomplished. In my dreams i don't fail and everyone loves and respects me. I live inside my own head.

I decided to post because, well, it's somewhat therapeutic. It does help after all huh?

I am nobody. I have no one. Thank you for reading.