The emotional cutoff

It's funny to find a formal name for something that I've done and seen other people do. That is the emotional cutoff. That can be cutting people off completely, usually not giving a reason. I've done a lot of that, sometimes with family members or friends. Usually it was cowardly on my part. I didn't know how to handle something and just walked away. Or stopped answering phone calls. Or emails. Or letters. I wouldn't even open them.

Another form of emotional cutoff is people who moved away from their family and didn't completely break it off but kept contact to minimum. The occasional phone call out of guilt and the
once a year trip home for Christmas or summer vacation.

In doing some research, I find there's lots of example, And cutting people off doesn't clear us of guilt. It adds to it.

In my case, I didn't see my two sisters for 18 years. I just broke apart from the whole family. I lived several states away which made it easier.

The worst example in my family has continued for more than three decades. One of my sisters (who is white) married a black man more than 30 years ago. The marriage has lasted and he is a good husband. But my sister's then 12 year old daughter, who was living with her father, completely broke off communications with her mother. I'm sure this was at the urging of her dad and step-mom. She also cut communications with her grandmother (my mom) and my other sister---two people who couldn't have been more against the relationship. The daughter, who is now 48 and has two sons her mother has never met, still won't have anything to do with her mom. The sad thing is they probably live no more than ten miles apart and her husband recently died of a heart attack and she could probably use the emotional support.

Anybody else have experiences being on either end of the emotional cutoff?

Yep, that's how my whole family operates. Both my parents "side" with one daughter or the other. When they're with one, they cut the other one off. Because of the polarization (plus, to tell the truth, my sister is completely different from me, and I don't like most of her life choices, nor her, when it comes down to it) my sister and I have nothing to do with each other.

I must admit, it's difficult not to do it to my son, too. When he's done something to piss me off (which thankfully doesn't happen often, maybe a couple times a year) my immediate instinct is to give him the silent treatment, so as to save him from whatever hurtful thing I might say otherwise. But, in this case, I'm talking about maybe an hour max so I can get a grip. If there was someone else around to watch him so I could get out of the house for a bit, he wouldn't even notice it. Still, even thought it's to a much smaller degree, it's there in his life, poor kid.

And my parents' behaviors affect him, too. My mother was picking him up every day from school until recently, then went back to the other side and dropped us both cold. It is unbelieveably cruel of her, but that's life. I'm considering cutting her out completely forever, just so she can't drop him like this again. Which is worse? Never having contact with your grandparent, or always having it going through the back of your mind that she might drop out of your life at any moment, and maybe assuming everyone else is going to treat you like that, too?

I've basically cut myself off from all my family members except my immediate ones (dad, mom & two brothers). I've used to visit over my dad's house with my step-family & see my other relatives. But I never enjoyed the experience. I'm not entirely sure why. I just felt like they were aliens. I couldn't understand them, they wanted to talk to me & get to know me, but I just felt this repulsion towards making a relationship with them. Now I don't visit anymore, complete cut-off. I feel very guilty about it a lot of the time. I can't quite make any sort of excuse for my behaviour because I don't fully understand why I did it.

I did the same thing to my best friend in HS. I was just growing exhausted with being her friend. I couldn't relate to her, she was turning into the opposite of me. Meaning I was socially inept, & she was a social butterfly. I ended up ignoring phone calls, avoiding her in school. Wasn't long before she stopped calling.

Surprisingly though, I got a taste of my own medicine, I guess. My other friend from HS, which I kinda replaced my first friend with - she ended up cutting off contact with me. Very, very, quickly. Meaning - one day she just deleted me from everywhere & everything that could possibly let me communicate with her. Really messed me up psychologically. Haven't had a friend since.

- EGD.

I fully believe that there is only a limited amount of crap you should take from a person. If family falls into this category, it's unfortunate, but they are not the exception. For this reason, I have completely severed all my family ties. They are all dead to me, I don't care. The only seperation that I felt guilty about, was my father (god knows why), but I'm recovered.

I do this with friends too. When the friendship is no longer relevent, I just stop all efforts. If I don't get anything out of it, it is of no interest to me. Done! Next!