Does anyone do this?

You tell yourself. Tomorrow I am going to be social. Just not today I can't do it today. I don't want to but I will just force myself to be social tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and you still don't want to obviously and it just keeps going like that. I have always been anti-social as long as I can remember. I am 35. The only one I really like spending time with is my husband. I pretty much don't like anyone else. I feel like everyone is so hurtful to eachother and me. People will be nice to someone and then as soon as they leave the room they start saying mean things about them to everyone. So then I feel what do they say about me when I leave. I have been more social in the past but I just feel so disappointed with people and there behavior I just don't want to be around them anymore. I just found this forum and I think this is where I fit in the best. Most of what I have read from others is a lot like me.

When i was younger i would try to be more "social". I would even force myself to go to parties or even just get out of the house more. I dont anymore because its just not worth the anxiety and embarrassment that it causes me. I guess avoiding is probably hurting me in the long run, but im thinking about maybe getting into therapy, so i can have a somewhat normal life. Anything at this point has to be better than the life im living now.

Kari wrote: I feel like everyone is so hurtful to eachother and me. People will be nice to someone and then as soon as they leave the room they start saying mean things about them to everyone. So then I feel what do they say about me when I leave. I have been more social in the past but I just feel so disappointed with people and there behavior I just don't want to be around them anymore.

YES YES YES! I experience this all the time. My last boss was a classic example of this... she would be so sweet and nice to everyone, but then badmouth them as soon as their backs were turned, so naturally, how could I NOT assume she did the same thing to me and others? A lot of people seem to function this way - it makes me lose faith in the basic goodness of human beings. I would rather be alone than spend my time with people like this - it brings no satisfaction.

I can't get any satisfaction either way anymore. I'm not very social at parties (on the rare occasion where i'm invited to one). And now at home, where I once found peace and solitude, I can stop thinking about how nice it would be to be social. As you can see, i'm a little stuck here.

So I went over to my sister in laws house last Saturday. It was me my husband her and her husband and there two kids. I was totally dreading it. It was OK I was not totally stressed when I was there but I just feel like I have nothing in common with them. I guess I agree with the higher IQ theory people talk about on here. I have a higher IQ but not much higher. The tests I have taken say 111 about but I just seem to be more interested in talking about intelligent things then other people. My sister in law talked about her kids the entire time. Not that there is anything wrong with that but I don't have kids and I like talking about world events and computers and things like that. She hates computers and is afraid of using them. Then we were talkiing about the weather and a storm that came through our area and I brought up theories about global warming. They are all theories but I like talking about scientific things like that and they both did not even respond. It was like I was not even in the room when I said that. It's just hard to find people I have things in common with. I like talking about very complicated things to challenge myself. Then just that day I had spent about 4 hours working on trying to get rid of a spyware on my computer system. A virus that was slowing things down. That was my major interest for the day. I did not even bring it up that night because I know they just are not into things like that. I was proud of myself because I had finally figured out how to eliminate the spyware from my system that I had been working on for about two weeks. That's just me. I guess I am not like most women. I am actually very attractive which noone would think hearing about my interests. Most people assume I am dumb when they meet me just because of the way I look. It's all so hard. What to do. I just feel so different from most people.

I tell myself that kind of thing very often. I do the same with wanting to eat less. "I will start tomorrow."

As an example, I told myself that I could go to our company's holiday party by myself. I told myself that I know a lot of people, and they like me, etc. But when it came down to it, I did not go. I was just too afraid that I would embarrass myself in some way. In large crowds like that, I do not know where I should sit. If I am standing, I do not know where I should stand. I end up in somebody's way. I do not know what to do with my hands. I do not know where I should look. In addition, I had gone to the party for the last seven years with my boyfriend. A lot of the people there know him. We have gone our separate ways by mutual decision since last year's party. I dreaded answering questions about why he was not with me this year.

I also do not feel any satisfaction from talking to people. Women always talk about their shopping, makeup, clothes, and gossiping about other people. I am a woman, but I prefer to be in group discussion with a group of men. They talk about things that are much more interesting to me. Men gossip too, but they are not quite as malicious as women.

I prefer to be alone, but there are so many situations where I have to interact with people. I just want to be able to do it without anxiety. Quite ironically, my former boyfriend that I spoke of earlier is totally opposite of me. He can talk to any stranger and strike up a conversation as if they have known each other all their lives. I was hoping to learn enough by being with him to help me "cure" myself. He was a wonderful "shield" between me and people because he would attract all the attention and I was ignored. That was fine with me. I enjoy watching people, but I wish I could be invisible. With him, I nearly was.