Sending out the wrong signals

Antoninus wrote:

Hi, I'm back. I wonder why that is. You'd think jerk guys would go for girls who are more of a challenge?? I was just asking what your kissing style was is all.

Ah, well no jerks are like any other predator. They dont want a fight, they want something they can take down without too much of a struggle. Girls with low-self esteem are easy pickings as far as they are concerned, just pad thier self-confidence, get them thinking your the greatest because you make them feel better and then theyre all yours.

Most men who do that are no different than your average predator. Your best defense is to appear to have self-confidence, even if you dont.

My personal kissing style? Well...I dont really have one, Im not a very foreward or direct guy because Im really shy. Its whatever both of us are in the mood for I guess

Ahhh I see. They want someone who will look up to them, maybe somewhat like a bully? That makes sense. Yes, I'll try to appear to have self-confidence and it'll grow on me. Most people who first meet me think I'm arrogant or snobbish even though I'm not. They think I must have loads of self-confidence...then find out I don't and are severly disappointed. That's why I was wondering about the challenge thing. I dress, act, and look like I'm a HUGE challenge, real intimidating and then when you talk to me I'm really soft and not a loud type of person at all. I blush a lot and get real shy that its noticable. I was wondering if maybe I attract guys who look for a challenging girl and then are turned off by my submissiveness.

Okay, what was your favourite kiss like? Real passionate french kiss, or soft just on the lips, or like a slow kiss... there's lots of different kinds I'm just trying to figure out the different styles so any help would be great. Thanks!

Diane wrote:It doesn't seem like you really have many problems with guys. Maybe they come on strong because you seem to be hitting the dating game strongly (how many different guys did you go on dates with within, let's say, the past 6 months?) If you're really not that desperate to have a boyfriend then don't spend so much time searching for one. Rather, go out with friends, meet new people, and keep your eyes open for someone that not only looks like your type, but someone that you honestly get a good feeling about (first impressions are a lot more informative about a person than many people think, but dont let that give you reason to judge too quickly). And if you don't have friends to go out with, focus more on getting them than getting a guy, because they're generally the more stable relationships one can have. Love is tricky.

And do follow others' advice: Be picky. But realize love's definition is not anything you can learn from watching a disney move. Its about getting along with someone, connecting to them, geuninely caring about them, and enjoying yourself sexually with them (when the time is right).


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And, just a comment (take it for what its worth), but from reading multiple posts of yours, I think you're using your Avoidant Personality Disorder as an excuse - as the reason to all (or a lot) of your problems. Stop hiding behind it.

How so? I think my problems with guys are real, and I'm getting quite scared. What could be worse than the problems I've presented, please do tell. Perhaps I'm missing something. Sure I have no trouble attracting men, is that what you mean? If so, then I agree. I don't have any problem in that area its just getting men to respect me and to not treat me like a sexual buffet. I'm not easy and I'm not going to have sex with them but I'm not really sure why they act like I am?? I read on another avoidant message board someone stated the exact same problem as mine and said its because they revealed the they are a virgin. I'm going to try to keep that a secret of mine and see if things change.

Oh, I see maybe I am hitting the dating game strongly but none of the guys know about each other. O_o LOL. In the past 6 months I've been out with 7 different guys. I kissed 4 of them. Funny thing is, the 3 I did'nt kiss because I decided they were'nt for me were the ones who wanted a relationship with me and one of them told me how he'd be the perfect boyfriend for me and to please go out with him again. *sigh* Why are men SO difficult?!?! I feel I need to get experienced as possible but I've decided to slow it down because I don't want to get physical with any guy until I'm in a close relationship with them.

I'm not desperate for a boyfriend but what am I supposed to do when a guy I like asks me out?? I think its pointless to say no to him and not even get to know him because I might be missing out on a great guy with a lot of potential. Is'nt that simply avoiding the issue?? That's what I used to do when my disorder was at its most severe point. I literally *hid* from guys, avoided eye contact with them, would ignore their notes they'd leave on my desk, and when they tried to speak to me I'd blush and run away. I don't want to be like that anymore.

I don't go out with every guy that asks me out, only the ones I like. There have been guys who tried to ask me out but I lied to them and told them I already had a boyfriend or gave a very strong indication of no. I'm working on expanding my social circle, that's the most important thing to me at this point in my life and the reason I joined this board. The boyfriend thing just happens to be a different issue and actually is directly correlated to my need for friendship and acceptance. My friends are the ones pressuring for me to meet guys. Just the other day my friend asked me how it went with one of the guys I was seeing and I had to make up an excuse. It's embarassing though, because I've been single for so long my friends have this tone in their voice like 'awww don't worry you'll find a guy!' It's annoying and makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for not having one. Actually that would'nt be a problem but there's this one guy I REALLY like, and they're friends with him and I don't want him to think guys don't like me because then he won't like me either ahhh its sooo complicated! Btw, all of my friends have boyfriends except for one and she's really ugly so everyone just assumes that's why.

Hmmm yes, maybe I am hiding behind my disorder. It's just that it used to be extremely severe and now its almost gone. I've just lived with it for so long that its become a part of me. I feel like an alien. I have to stop feeling this way, I just want to be normal and have a happy stable life.

Forever Flamed wrote: Ahhh I see. They want someone who will look up to them, maybe somewhat like a bully? That makes sense. Yes, I'll try to appear to have self-confidence and it'll grow on me. Most people who first meet me think I'm arrogant or snobbish even though I'm not. They think I must have loads of self-confidence...then find out I don't and are severly disappointed. That's why I was wondering about the challenge thing. I dress, act, and look like I'm a HUGE challenge, real intimidating and then when you talk to me I'm really soft and not a loud type of person at all. I blush a lot and get real shy that its noticable. I was wondering if maybe I attract guys who look for a challenging girl and then are turned off by my submissiveness.

It depends. MOST guys who look for weakness in a girl to get close to them get stalled by a girl who has confidence in herself. But if you over-do it, you come off like Xena and you do tend to scare the shyer guys away. You have to be able to recognize what kind of person the guy your interacting with is and change your behavior accordingly

Okay, what was your favourite kiss like? Real passionate french kiss, or soft just on the lips, or like a slow kiss... there's lots of different kinds I'm just trying to figure out the different styles so any help would be great. Thanks!

I really dont have a favorite. They all are, a firey kiss during sex, a passionate kiss just because, a gentile kiss on her cheek when shes sleeping, a kiss on the forehead just to make her smile...I like 'em all.

Antoninus wrote:

Forever Flamed wrote: Ahhh I see. They want someone who will look up to them, maybe somewhat like a bully? That makes sense. Yes, I'll try to appear to have self-confidence and it'll grow on me. Most people who first meet me think I'm arrogant or snobbish even though I'm not. They think I must have loads of self-confidence...then find out I don't and are severly disappointed. That's why I was wondering about the challenge thing. I dress, act, and look like I'm a HUGE challenge, real intimidating and then when you talk to me I'm really soft and not a loud type of person at all. I blush a lot and get real shy that its noticable. I was wondering if maybe I attract guys who look for a challenging girl and then are turned off by my submissiveness.

It depends. MOST guys who look for weakness in a girl to get close to them get stalled by a girl who has confidence in herself. But if you over-do it, you come off like Xena and you do tend to scare the shyer guys away. You have to be able to recognize what kind of person the guy your interacting with is and change your behavior accordingly

Okay, what was your favourite kiss like? Real passionate french kiss, or soft just on the lips, or like a slow kiss... there's lots of different kinds I'm just trying to figure out the different styles so any help would be great. Thanks!

I really dont have a favorite. They all are, a firey kiss during sex, a passionate kiss just because, a gentile kiss on her cheek when shes sleeping, a kiss on the forehead just to make her smile...I like 'em all.

Yea...confidence is key. I think I seem pretty confident, maybe its the words I use that suggest otherwise? I don't know how I'm not being confident. I think its the virgin thing, maybe I'll keep it to myself but they always figure it out.

Awww! Those are really sweet kisses. Especially the last two.

I couldnt be sure unless I actually talked to you face to face. Just always try and keep your chin up and open up to the right people and you should be ok

Forever flamed, a quick question:

Were you brought up in a religious household? I only ask because it seems from reading your posts that you have a strong negative connotation with sex. (i.e. the way you talk about hookers and people in an abused relationship, etc.)

Also, I've read that many avoidants have issues with sex--thinking that it's wrong, dirty, etc and supress their desires etc for that reason.

One of my friends is a twenty-five year old virgin and he's very proud of it and tells people right away that he's saving himself for marriage. His dad is a pastor. I have another friend who is turning 27 and also a virgin and she is less proud. Her close friends know, but I don't think she puts it out there for guys. I know from talking with her that it bothers her and she wishes she had more experience but she's not willing to compromise her values just to get her virginity over with. I commend her for that but sometimes secretly wish she would just have sex with someone because she's soooooooooooooo curious about it.

Anyway, I'm sure you get this all the time: "Why don't you have a boyfriend? I don't get it?" I get it all the time and it sounds like it's supposed to be a compliment but really it's insulting and makes me question what the hell is wrong with me (other than the obvious--I date assholes.) I get it from coworkers, family members, and in a less annoying way, from friends who are not single (they don't ask why I'm single they just hint, like your friends, that some day I'll find someone.)
So I empathize with you on that account.

At the same time, I've always been told, "You'll find love when you least expect it." Most often interpreted as--when you're not looking.