New here. What can I do?

Trigger warnings for brief, un-detailed mentions of abuse, suicide

20, female

As the subject of suggests, I am new to these boards. Moreover, I am new to concept of being avoidant and having a name to what I've understood as normal for myself has opened up the complicated self-defeating and self-perpetuating dynamics that have been left unaddressed for many years.

After finally moving out of my parent's house and going into college, I am having the worst year of my life. I now live in a house with many people, all of whom I consider to be people I care about greatly, yet I cannot connect with them in a way that I would consider "friendship" most of the time. I spend most of my time wishing I could socialize with them, resenting people for not giving me attention, and being upset that I am unable to approach them and tell people what I need in the first place. I am afraid of going outside alone or going outside period, but it feels like I am always alone. Unfortunately, I do not think anyone I know here can provide what I need. Only my boyfriend, who is stuck in an abusive household until he turns eighteen can make me feel that I've connected with anyone in my life, as he feels with me. We cannot contact each other on a regular basis anymore after his parents caught us trying to run away together. Every message he sends me breaks my heart. I must wait two more months or more before he can even think about leaving and each day I spend waiting makes me want to kill myself, and I'm afraid that if he isn't able to escape soon that I will actually do it.

I haven't developed coping mechanisms other than staying inside all day on the computer, but I am losing interest in that. Today, I just lay in bed all day and slept, getting up only twice. What can I do? I don't think there's anything I can do. At the very least, I hope I can find people who can validate my experience and make me feel as though I am not alone in this struggle.

Have you seen a therapist or doctor? They may be able to help you understand your thought patterns, why you have them and help give you techniques to overcome the the negative thoughts and patterns.

From a self education point of view you could always read up on avpd and try to rationalise the thoughts and behaviours you have.

For me I understand that i will always see the negatives in llife, I just accept it's the way I am and its a part of my personality. But I always try to see something positive no matter how small or insignificant it is.

Hi IndoorKitten!

First, welcome to the forum.
Second, *hugs*.
I'm sorry you feel so alone...how are you doing now?
I agree with tiepS; have you given any thought to seeing a psych? Most schools offer a free counseling service, which really can be beneficial.
Well done on getting into college! I know how tough that can be.

Keep us updated.

Well wishes,

Evol

hey evol222, thanks for the welcoming! Funny enough, I had a lot of anxiety to come back here because i was afraid that my post was stupid but i am glad to say my that fear was irrational.

I don't think getting professional help is the solution. Therapists are a resource that only work as much as ones involvement in the process and i simply feel i cannot trust them. it is also possible that my suspicions were valid but my self-defeating tendencies are stopping myself from taking any chances at all, something i struggle with constantly.

Things have gotten worse for me since posted last. i've had even more trauma stacked up to the point where i cannot attend school anymore because i have no emotional capacity to work or read.

Recently, I discovered that my boyfriend is in fact not coming to live with me as soon as i have hoped. His escape plan was always unsure but I had convinced myself it would be sooner. I had developed so clingy to the point where our relationship was all that carried me on. I now realize that living alone with forever and never feeling lonely again was an elaborate fantasy that is not only infeasible but unwanted. I had heard that fantasies were a symptom of avpd but i had never identified with that until now. I was wondering if anyone had advice on fantasy management.

I am now working towards digging myself out of this hole in a realistic way, but it feels like my entire life is working against me. Everything just keeps going wrong.

Hi IndoorKitten.
I've been heavily fantasizing, and actually my life kinda revolves around them. I thought I'd get friends if I did something really great, like become a famous scientist, basically help the entire human race or something on energy problems etc. so everyone would love me for how much good I did.

I am taking physics in university right now, and while I do have a talent for it and like physics somewhat, I am realizing I am no where near a scientist level, I would rather be programming games and other useless funny stuff. So I am trying also trying learn some programming in my spare time, so I may become a programmer or something.

Now for the point, I have been doing other efforts as well, like playing at piano concerts, and I wrote a novel (unfortunately not published), and I had actually acquired that "everyone likes me" state in high school, but it was completely useless for making friends. (You need some kind of intimacy skills or something)

So from my experience, following phantasies have been a waste and unrewarding, (although I may get a good carrier and income, if only I could appreciate it)