How can you win over a Fearful-Avoidant girl?

I'm one.

I second that it will be hard work. you may feel like you don't really know her. depends if you wanna spend the future constantly reassuring someone who doesn't deep down believe you. we can feel like frauds you see and we think that you like some version of us that we try to put out there but it's not really us, it's our shell and probably some sort of emulation of what we think we should be...

maybe I'm talking rubbish now.

you will have to make the move always. it may seem like she can't be bothered to make the effort but it's fear that stops her. even though you reassured her a thousand times.

is that fun for you? will this help you live a happy life?
I will admit something I never have, I feel sorry for my husband. even though we are a great match. guess that's avpd for you. you think ppl aren't into you cos they like you but cos they're stupid/blind/desperate. how terrible.

that's just my story of course.

Me two wrote:I'm one.

I second that it will be hard work. you may feel like you don't really know her. depends if you wanna spend the future constantly reassuring someone who doesn't deep down believe you. we can feel like frauds you see and we think that you like some version of us that we try to put out there but it's not really us, it's our shell and probably some sort of emulation of what we think we should be...

maybe I'm talking rubbish now.

you will have to make the move always. it may seem like she can't be bothered to make the effort but it's fear that stops her. even though you reassured her a thousand times.

is that fun for you? will this help you live a happy life?
I will admit something I never have, I feel sorry for my husband. even though we are a great match. guess that's avpd for you. you think ppl aren't into you cos they like you but cos they're stupid/blind/desperate. how terrible.

that's just my story of course.

That sounds exactly like me.

And I don't know if I would ever want to impose that on anyone, especially someone I cared about... to be "stuck" with someone like me.

I am an avoidant girl. Anytime I start to like someone I get really anxious and push them away and break things off. If things start to get physical, instead of telling boyfriends I don't want to move so fast I go along with things and immediately break off contact the next day. I hate it. I hate being this way and I hate hurting people but I have such bad anxiety and physical reactions that shutting people out is the only way to return to a calm normal state.

Knowledge of my problem has made things a little better for me: I have been forcing myself to speak up and be more assertive and to now question everything negative I think during a date.

Anyways, to your question: I think it is fine for you to make the first move. As an avoidant I have reached out to people I have broken up with but rarely and only if I really felt like we were a perfect match. If you do reach out to her do it gently. I don't know the full situation but if a guy I had broken up with waited a little bit (say a week) and then said, "just thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok" might make me start to reconsider. The important thing is not to bombard her: if a guy texts me too much I feel very overwhelmed and even if I am considering going back to him I will get scared. But I don't see that you telling her you are thinking about her and reassuring you you will support her would be a bad thing. For me, my problems are more with physical intimacy so I truly appreciate a guy who will ask me if I am comfortable ("I like you and would like to kiss you...would you be okay with that?"). If you do get her back just take things slow and check in with her?

Avoidant girl here. You should really try taking things slow with her. We tend to move at a different pace than other girls. I get scared if a guy wants too much of me at once. That makes me feel like I'm not living up to his expectations unlike other girls which will eventually make me cut off contact.

Also, I'm sorry but 90% of the time, you will have to reach out to her. You will have to initiate contact most of the time(although this isn't true if she starts trusting you). I can't say whether she will be able to trust you fully after what has already happened but here are some tips:
1. Be patient. Don't make her do anything she doesn't feel comfortable doing. Give her time. She will ease into it eventually.
2. Don't let her reactions change your behavior. This is really important for me. No matter how weird she acts, how much information she withholds or gives, don't take it personally. But do understand what she wants. Ask questions(not too interrogative though)
3. If you can sense that she has been too withdrawn (more than she usually is), give her some space. Let her come back to you! Honestly, if I like a guy, I will reach out to him eventually no matter how hard I ignore him. But don't completely ignore her either.
4. Don't be clingy. She will run away.
5. Always be there for her. Even a little message asking her how she is after a week or two will show that you care.

The thing is, it's very hard to find people who are able to strike the right balance between not being clingy and not being too distant either. If you can manage to show her you will be there for her without overstepping her limits and overwhelming her, you'll do it. Good luck!

AvPDs can do strange things to cope with their fears and anxieties. I think a huge fear for me while dating is that the guy I like will think I am desperate. If she is afraid of you or super nervous around you there is a good chance she does really like you but she is so afraid that she is going to screw it up. So you pretty much have to do all the work unfortunately during the dating period. It's unfortunate but the only way to get an AvPD girl is if you fight for her and make it clear you accept her just the way she is. I always had a very difficult time having feelings for a guy and the dating process because the more feelings I had for the guy the more anxiety had about being rejected so I would avoid them altogether or feed myself with lies about how he would never go for a girl like me anyways and when you do reject it just confirms our fears that we aren't good enough for someone we actually have feelings for.

I think it's really cute of you to come here to find answers, because AvPD's often miss out on the right person for us because they lack the confidence to go for them, and I myself have wasted a lot of time in relationships with only confident men that will never understand how it feels to be AvPD. I am happily married, and still don't feel like my husband will every truly understands because he is so confident it's hard for him to understand why I can't be. Even though he considers me to be beautiful, I am so uncomfortable in my own skin that I can't just do normal things.. like our most recent fight was because he didn't understand why I can't just wear the clothes I already had clean and why it was so important for me to wait for the laundry to be ready so I could wear something I felt comfortable in. I am so paranoid about interacting with other people because I feel like everyone is over analyzing how I look and what I wear. I know it's all in my head, but it's not something I can just stop doing. It is a trigger for me of time where I was forced to wear things that I did not feel comfortable in and I was bullied for it. Plus I am pregnant right now and have a huge belly so that limits my wardrobe as it is.

The fact that you want to understand why she is the way she is .. is really awesome and she would be lucky to have some one who wants to understand. My advice is in a list here to make it simple (short term and long term advice):

1. Fight for her even when she seems to push you away, If she doesn't like you she will straight up say she doesn't want anything to do with you, and then you can give up, but don't give up just because she is pushing you away.
2. Be patient with her, because she will not trust quickly. She will only slowly let herself get attached, but once she is attached to you she will not want to every lose you. She will do anything to keep you once she has you if she really does like you. We aren't as afraid of rejection eventually but it takes awhile to earn that trust.
3. She may have traumatic triggers so pay close attention to those because if you constantly hurt her and don't see what you are doing she will not trust you and push you away. It is similar to someone who has been raped... if you joke about raping her or make sex a chore and take the emotions out of it then they resent you. So pay attention to her specific triggers to avoid resentment, but if you really care the won't be hard to see. If she tells you straight up (maybe not using the exact term trigger) that something bothers her like my example..make sure you remember.. if you don't she will think you don't care about you.
4. She will need someone to stand up for her and if you don't no one will. So if you see someone walking all over her, don't be afraid to offer to take care of it for her.
5. Don't get mad at her for her flaws. Asking a AvPD person to change their mindset is like asking a gay person to be straight. You can't just decide who you are so don't start a fight over it because this will cause resentment.
6. If she wants time alone let her! My husband is so hard on me for this. If I am in one of my moods he accuses me of treating a book or a tv show as more important than him. If she gets into one of these moods just let her be there. Trust me if she wants attention she will let you know. I feel so sorry for my husband when I get like this because when I am in this mood I don't want to be touched. I don't want to cuddle or anything, but if you are lucky it will only last a couple hours and you will get your daily dose so be patient and it will pass. The less patient you are for it to pass, the longer she will stay in this mood so I suggest you give her some space and it will pass faster. (I always make up for this later when the mood has passed and I assume that other AvPDs feel the need to over compensate when they snap out of it)

There are probably a few more than this, but is how I see it. If you don't fight for her she will end up going for someone that is overly confident and she may not actually like them. It's easier for AvPDs to go for people they don't have feelings for just because of compatibility. It is natural for AvPDs to push away people they actually like because it causes them too much anxiety because they fear that they will be rejected. So if you can understand that and work through her pushing you away it can be completely worth it in the long wrong because AvPDs can be extremely loyal and put a lot of pressure on themselves to be good GFs, good wives and good parents. They never feel good enough so they are constantly trying harder and harder to be better people. I feel like we go above and beyond normal expectations for GFs, wives and parents because of it. My fears run so deep, for example, it is normal for a girl to enjoy shopping and spending money that they have worked hard to earn. I feel so much guilt about spending that sometimes I don't even buy things I need let along things that I want. There are absolute needs like paying your bills and food, but then there are needs that you can survive with out, but are still technically necessities. So even when it comes down to small things I put a lot of pressure on myself to be good.

put on a mask. and while she's away. crash into her apartment. and hide under her bed. wait for her to come home. then call her on the phone. pant a lot and say "i love you, i love you, i love you". when she hangs up. call her again. say "mmmhhhh black panties". she hangs up. goes to bed. you crawl out and shout "boo!" then jump out of her window shouting "i loooove you" on your way down.

this. doesn't work? no? anyone? it sounds much more charming in my head.

Rigning wrote:put on a mask. and while she's away. crash into her apartment. and hide under her bed. wait for her to come home. then call her on the phone. pant a lot and say "i love you, i love you, i love you". when she hangs up. call her again. say "mmmhhhh black panties". she hangs up. goes to bed. you crawl out and shout "boo!" then jump out of her window shouting "i loooove you" on your way down.

this. doesn't work? no? anyone? it sounds much more charming in my head.

I like it.



But what if SHE jumps out the window first?

Parador wrote:

Rigning wrote:put on a mask. and while she's away. crash into her apartment. and hide under her bed. wait for her to come home. then call her on the phone. pant a lot and say "i love you, i love you, i love you". when she hangs up. call her again. say "mmmhhhh black panties". she hangs up. goes to bed. you crawl out and shout "boo!" then jump out of her window shouting "i loooove you" on your way down.

this. doesn't work? no? anyone? it sounds much more charming in my head.

I like it.



But what if SHE jumps out the window first?

that would be a perfect opportunity to rescue her and be the hero.

Rigning wrote:

Parador wrote:

Rigning wrote:put on a mask. and while she's away. crash into her apartment. and hide under her bed. wait for her to come home. then call her on the phone. pant a lot and say "i love you, i love you, i love you". when she hangs up. call her again. say "mmmhhhh black panties". she hangs up. goes to bed. you crawl out and shout "boo!" then jump out of her window shouting "i loooove you" on your way down.

this. doesn't work? no? anyone? it sounds much more charming in my head.

I like it.



But what if SHE jumps out the window first?

that would be a perfect opportunity to rescue her and be the hero.

LOL Oh man, I needed a good laugh!
I'm not detracting from the issue being discussed, but sometimes its good to see the humor in life.
I've been thru this same scenario several times and it's tough, but in the end it ends up seeming more trouble than it's worth...for both parties.

Hi
I know this post is from some time ago but it has helped me understand my gf so much. I really had no idea at all how to understand but I only want to. We got very close and then overnight she changed out of nowhere and wanted space. Of course I was hurt and was so confused. I did all the wrong things and bombarded her with too many messages at first which only made things worse. I'm certain it just overwhelmed her and made her scared even more.

So now it's been two months and she's returned to that calm and normal state which she feels helps her at the moment I'm sure, but it's not healthy for her and I know it's just a repeat of the past. She's told me to move on with my life but I know in my heart she really cares for me. I can't move on when I know perfectly well that it's only because she has these avoidant feelings.

I love her so, so much and I want to be patient and find that balance in the relationship and stand by her. At the moment though my mind says you might have lost her but my heart says there is still hope. I just can't let go of her because the love I have is so, so strong.

I don't have anyone to talk to at the moment about this and am really hoping there are people out there with some guidance. I've written a letter to my gf that I want to send when the time is right and I'm hoping she will still have some space and openness in her heart for me.

Anyone out there that can give me some guidance??? Please??